April 22, 2012
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Trigger warning
I really hate myself right now.
I keep thinking about different ways to off myself.
I could cut my wrists really deeply.
Or try to overdose.
I could shoot myself in the head with one of Trey’s hand helds.
I could sufficate myself with a plastic bag or something.
If I could get my hands on a ton of potassium chloride that would do it.
I’m tired of living.
Tired of fucking up.
Tired of being a burden on other people.
It suck for the people around me at first, but shortly after they’d realize they’re better off without me.
I bet if I stuck my tongue in an electrical socket it’d do it?
I’m not really what you’d call stable right now.
I switch from being numb to being overwhelmed with emotion.
I hate myself.
I don’t see the point of continuing this honestly.
You could say I’m extremely depressed right now.
P.S.
Maybe some nyquil could help me stay numb. Or it’d at least knock me unconscious so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of living.
Comments (26)
There’s plenty of reasons for you not to do any of those things. Everyone would be worse off without you. I’ve never even met you, yet I care enough for you to not do any of that.
I wish I could actually hug you. Sigh… you’re a good person and you don’t burden others. Well, not me anyway. I can’t speak for the planet, but I’m pretty sure people would agree that you’re wonderful and not a burden. I’m sorry you’re so down. I wish there was an easy fix. Suicide isn’t the answer. It’s the right kind of “quick fix” you know? Don’t cut… you’ve worked so hard to not do that and you’ve worked hard to feel okay. If you need to talk, I’m here or on Facebook if you ever need (Alexandra Gold Nolan) and I hope you can find a way to make things look up for you. You’re amazing and I love your existence.
What is going on? Where is this all coming from?
Love you…you are not a burden. You are loved. Praying for you.
<3<3<3<3 sending you strength and love from nyc. i don’t comment too often but i read everyone’s journals and you, more than most, have grown into a wonderful young woman. i’m really proud of you for all that you’ve been through. some days and weeks and months are harder than usual, but know in the long run, everything works out how it should. look to hard times as periods of profound growth.
What has caused this to come out? I think you should talk to someone because it may help and even taking medication could help as well. You have everything going for you, you just need to learn to love yourself right now. Chin up, it’s never as bad as it seems *hugs*
Yeah I feel like that too and have always…sometimes. Think of it this way…whats better than being numb? Relief! Oh yes the sweet taste of relief. Sometimes it feels so good that you cry or just burst with complete utter…well idk what you call it but it feels really good. Orgasmic I guess you could say. The problem is you can’t feel relief unless you stay alive.
I found this website helps. I don’t like to talk to people about it so all I can go off of is websites like this.
Suicide: Read this first.
**hugs** You’re an amazing person, and very much loved.
Oh sweetie. I hope you don’t even try any of these. You have so much life left to live and there’s so much you haven’t experienced yet. Don’t let go of that. *hugs* Love you so much Riley! <3
*hugs* you can make it out the other side of this darling. You are one hell of a strong woman.
I’ve been where you are many times. I’ve had those same thoughts, feelings and desires. I felt for a LONG time that I was a burden to everyone around me. I thought they would be better off without me. But then I tried (and failed obviously) to off myself and realize what an effect just TRYING and WANTING to die had on those around me. It was astonishing. I look back and I feel guilty for wanting to die. Think of all the people that would miss you.
- your family
- your friends
- everyone on here
- your teachers
- your coworkers
- your classmates
- pets
- people you don’t “know” but smile at everyday
Unfortunately I don’t know too much about you, but I garantee the list goes on. You don’t realize the effect your life has on people, the good effect your life has on people, even people you don’t know very well. And you don’t realize the negative effect your death will have on people. You are an important person whether you want to believe it or not. Suicide will effect your ENTIRE community.
When I tried to kill myself I was taken to the ER, this nice elderly man (who could barely walk) was volunteering there. I was in the room by myself and he brought me some blankets, he politely inquired why I looked so distraught and what I was doing there…I told him I wanted to kill myself. Without missing a beat he said “Why would you want to kill yourself now?! It’s spring time, the tulips are out!” I was just like…wtf?! But it stuck with me. This guy, who I had only encountered for a few minutes cared enough about ME to try and give me a reason NOT to kill myself, and it wasn’t any of the cliche stuff everyone lectures you on. Tulips come in all shapes, sizes and colors, and each one is beautiful just like each one of us. Tulips also live in all types of climates, attesting to their durability and spunk (which is something we have to have in order to live). Life is hard, it is. But its WORTH it. Just hang in there, I’m so thankful I did.
here are some resources I found a bit helpful.
http://morgaine.typepad.com/vox/2007/03/on_vox_things_t.html
http://livingissobig.com/index.php
http://www.twloha.com/
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
You may encounter defeats, but you must not be defeated
I used to get like this. I lived with my mom until I was 13 because my stepfather drowned in a lake on Father’s Day. After that my mom got addicted to meth and used it to distract herself from losing her husband and soul mate. So I decided to live with my dad because he was a pretty stable guy. He met a women, though, and she has two daughters that made it really difficult for me to want to live there. Seeing her and her daughters always laughing and doing things together made me feel angry. Why the hell should they be able to spend time with each other when my mother doesn’t even want me to live with her anymore? After they moved in with me and my dad, things just started fucking up. Everything I did or said would somehow backfire on me and they’d all be mad at me while my father was disappointed. To make matters worse my boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me on my birthday and didn’t even say happy birthday to me. I almost downed an entire bottle of tylenol and levothyroxine. Once I turned 18 I was expected to go to college and have a job, which I had no problem with, but it took me 6 months to finally get a job. During thsoe 6 months my dad’s girlfriend would always nag at me, saying I lazy and not motivated enough to want to succeed in life. This made me feel like an awful person and I figured anything I did would never be good enough for her. So I almost swallowed an entire bottle of pills again, thinking it was my only option left.
Then I realized that if I did that, it would be too easy. My dad wouldn’t have anything else to live for and would probably go into a major depression and maybe commit, and my mom (already being depressed) would kill herself. Then my sister would have to deal with losing her baby sister, her mother, and her father to depression and suicide. I would also be leaving my boyfriend behind (I met him a few months after my ex broke up with me) and he would probably be under the impression that even if I told him I loved him, he still wasn’t enough reason for me to want to live.
Killing yourself seems like the answer when everything seems fucked up. You don’t win if you kill yourself, and you certainly don’t solve other people’s problems. People don’t get better or think better of you if you sit and sulk and take your own life, they start to dislike you even more. You think you have it bad? There are kids, women, and men all around the world who don’t have nearly as many opportunities as you do, and you’re just going to waste it by killing yourself? If you do, you’re not as wonderful as some people think. Do yourself a favor and don’t take the easy way out.
“Right now.” “Right now.” “Right now.”
I don’t know you, but I saw this on top blogs so I hope you don’t mind the random comment from a stranger… but…. you kept saying “right now.”
remember that. it’s right now that you feel this way. Maybe you’ve felt this way in the past (I’m thinking that’s a safe bet) but right now won’t always be right now. Don’t hurt yourself, please. Just don’t. It DOES get better. I’m LIVING proof.
Whatever you’re going through, just know it’ll pass soon. I’ve been a subscriber to your posts for so long & I care very much about you! Please don’t do any harm to yourself. This too shall pass. <3
Love, we all feel like this at times. I know it is bleak now, but it will get better. I wish you the best of luck~
I swear I could’ve written this exact same post. You almost word for word describe how I feel very often. I’m not very good with advice because I’m in need of some too .. but I just have this to ask ..
What do YOU love to do? … do it! This will make you happier .. even if it is only for the time being
Dear Panda,
You could take a couple of minutes first to READ THIS. It’s helped others.
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool
Been there. Been diagnosed with clinical depression, been through hell and back. It feels like the right solution, but please trust that it’s not. There’s always something worse for you to appreciate what you have and there’s always something better for you to find.
I definately know the feeling, I’ve been there MANY times, but as a lot of people above my comment have said, there are SOOO many reasons not to kill yourself. Just remember we are here for you. Even though we have never met in person, you are still very much cared about. You’re an amazing person, an amazingly strong person. If you need someone to talk to I’m here.
Or you can find the will and fight the struggles that’s placed before you.
I bet you had faced more challenging issues in the past and survived. I am sure you can manage to overcome these difficulties in front of you.
Some people say things when they’re frustrated… don’t let that hurt you so deeply.
You have plenty of things to live for. focus on finishing school right now; the world needs more caring people like you in the healthcare industry.
Be Strong and Remain Beautiful. You have plenty of people personally and world wide who care for and support you. If you truly are this low things can only go up from here ^_^
Peace and Love
I love you so so so so so much. Please call me at any time, I don’t cafe if it’s 5am, whenever. You are so loved and cherished, and you’re meant to do great things. Think of Trey, think of all of your hard work so far…keep going! You’re so worth it. <3
I came upon this too late to be of much help..Then, I see you rec’d someone else’s post tonight. So the world is not going on with one less Reilly. Damn good thing- though if you post like this again, anytime soon, i will have no choice but to drive from Dallas to Little Rock next month, and act all goofy until you start laughing uncontrollably.