Month: June 2013

  • Short breaking news

    So Trey’s sister.. the pregnant one who is younger than me, (still lives in her parents house and plans to have the baby there, knew the guy like a month before she got pregnant, didn’t really work until she got pregnant, has no drivers license, just recently bought a car, and thinks she’s going to have her own house in a year, oh and who had just had an abortion two months before getting pregnant again.. yeah, her.) 

    She posted something on facebook earlier today. 
    Apparently Daddy-baby (or as she calls him sperminator… blech) has a second baby-mamma…
    What a fucking mess. 
    Anyways, that’s all. 
    I just hope that girl can get her shit together for the sake of Demi (her baby), and hopefully before she’s born in about 5 weeks.

  • Today sucks

    So I know I’m behind on the challenge thing I’m doing, but i’ve been in a shitty mood the last couple of days or just haven’t felt like writing. 

    Today has just sucked.
    Woke up about 9-9:30am (first night in a while that I slept that long without waking up.)
    I had a sucky dream that left me in a foul mood. 
    I didn’t work today, so pretty much stayed in the mood.
    Well, first I went to lay outside in the sun around 9:45am.
    Came in around 11am showered off. Then went to make a bowl of cereal for breakfast.
    In the middle of making my cereal, I went into the living room to ask my Mom a question and evidentally whatever was on tv was super important because the 2 secs I was speaking before she motioned for me to shut up, ruined the show and she turned it off. I told her to turn it back on but she said it was too late. (Fucking really?! Grow the fuck up woman!)
    So that pissed me off and I yelled at her from the kitchen to turn the fucking tv back on because that was clearly super important and not to worry, because now I realize that the tv is so much more fucking important than me and that I just shouldn’t ever talk anymore. I would’ve said fuck the cereal, but I’d already began to unpeel the banana I was going to put in it. 
    So I took my cereal to my room, finished it, then went to the gym shortly after that. 
    Ran a mile, did a few tumbling passes on some gym mats that happened to be there, 50 push ups (30 on a balancing ball, 20 normally), 50 inclined sit ups, a few pull ups, and 25 things on each arm {where I was on my hands and knees and I would take a 25 lbs weight and pull it up to my chest/shoulder and bring it back down.}
    Came home, laid out for 30 more minutes before coming in to hopefully skype with Trey. 
    That was at 2:00pm (9pm his time) I stayed by my computer (though I did dose off for maybe 30-40 minutes around 3-4pm) and finally said fuck it at 4:00pm and went to shower off from the gym. 
    I’m pissed that I didn’t get to skype with him. I was really wanting to after my dream last night. I’m assuming he went out to a bar or club or some shit since it’s a Friday night (now Sat morning) over there. What the fuck ever. 
    If I had a friend to drink with I’d do that too. Hey, I can get fucking wasted and not give a shit enough to consider you too. Anyways, I’m venting and also assuming things. 
    I made a small chicken and egg white sandwich  around 5:30-6pm. Then went out just a minute ago and got a vanilla cone from mcdonalds and went by a redbox to pick up “Warm Bodies”. Some dude was trying to flirt with me at the redbox which was sort of flattering, but whatever. 
    He also inquired about my tattoo, which is the eating disorder recovery tat, and I told him what it meant. He said it was cool and he’d never had guessed I had had one because I looked so healthy. 
    I’m glad I can now take that as a compliment. In the past, I can see my eating disordered mind turning that into an insult. I’m glad I look healthy. Hell, I was using heavier weights in the gym today than one guy I saw.. Ha! :P
    I’m still in a foul mood and don’t want to interact with people (in person that is, I don’t mind people from the interweb). This better wear off before tomorrow because I work 10-6pm. 
    Mehh, and I haven’t done any of my homework for counseling yet. It was assigned Tuesday and my next appointment/when it’s due is Tuesday. Blllerrrrr
    This is longer than it was supposed to be…

  • Day 6 of 10 day challenge

    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust
    Day 6… so five things I can’t live without…
    I’ll try to not state the obvious like food, water, oxygen, etc.
    1. I’ll begin with coffee :)
    2. Trey! I love that man so very much:))
    3. Working out. If I go too long without running or working my arms I feel icky and lazy. It helps me feel better. xp
    4. Music!!
    5. Talking lol. I talk A LOT. If you don’t believe me ask Trey I think a lot.. I guess that’s what I attribute it to. I just have so much going on in my head and it moves so fast that I want to voice my thoughts, and there are so many that I voice them frequently lol. I don’t know.. I’m a chatter box.

  • Day 5 of 10 day challenge

    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust
    Day 5… so six songs that I’m addicted to…
    #1. A Lifetime of War by Sabaton :)
    #2. The Price of a Mile by Sabaton!
    #3. There For You by Flyleaf :)
    #4. Justice and Mercy by Flyleaf, also Okay by Flyleaf
    #5. Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People
    #6. Counting Stars by One Republic
    bonus song… Far From Home by Five Finger Death Punch! XP
    Luckily that was an easy one because my day was hectic and otherwise I probably wouldn’t have been able to get it posted within the “time requirement”. Urber der xpxp

  • Crying again.. damnit.

    I’ve been doing really well the last couple of days. 

    Tuesday, I cried a bunch.
    Wednesday, once or twice. (One time was when he texted me so I’d have his German phone number, but i can’t text it much because it’s expensive.)
    Thursday I did really well and same thing on Friday. 
    I’m trying to keep busy and distracted and I’m been doing well with that. 
    Yesterday I got up and messed on computer til I had to go to work, then I went to krogers with Allie, got some beers, came back home and had one and showed her minecraft. After she left (which was 2 hours after her one beer), I went up to BAB (Build-A-Bear) and hung out there til they closed, and then I went to cajun’s and hung out with Derrick and road around on all the van runs with him. He was done shuttling people around a little after 1am, so I came back here (home), and finished the beer Allie home opened (would have been her second) but after a few sips she decided she didn’t want it anymore. Then I went to bed. 
    This morning I went to the nursery and got a facebook message/text from Trey around 11:30am! He’d sent a message about getting his tablet working and trying to skype me tomorrow (now today) around 3am last night and now I’d gotten another message! He messaged me for about 30 minutes then disappeared (for dinner apparently) and a little after 1pm he started messaging me again. I got home and saw he was on skype, so at 2pm I called him. My mic didn’t seem to be working so he talked and i typed. 
    After 30 minutes the video quality got really bad because his battery was about to die so we had to say our goodbyes and he’s going to try to get  a converter so he can charge his tablet up again. 
    When I got his message around 11:30 I felt like crying a little but I tried not to and on skype I was holding back tears a few times. Once he ended the skype call I couldn’t help but crying. 
    I just miss him a lot and I really wish I could have cuddles with him. I saw his face on skype and I was just like, I want a hug. 
    So now I’m sitting here, hugging Lil Sergeant Scriff (camo bear) and wishing it was Trey… and trying to calm down so I can leave my room and maybe distract myself some more. 

  • Day 4 of 10 day challenge

    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust
    Day 4… so seven fears or phobias…
    1. I’m afraid of being unloveable.
    2. I’m also afraid of being abandoned.
    3. I’m afraid of failure and not being good/smart enough.
    4. I’m afraid of snakes and spiders.
    5. Cockroaches! I’m terrified of those things… like at school one morning, one snuck up by me and I saw it and FLEW across the room! Screamed and everything lol.
    6. Driving in the rain. Huge fear there. If it’s really bad, I get super tense and anxious. 
    7. Umm… I’m claustophobic when driving lol. I can’t stand having to drive through narrow spaces, I like hold my breath and suck in. 
    Well, there’s seven. Still at the nursery. Time’s going by slow. I just got Sam in here now, so I guess that’ll give me something to do now. Later.

  • Day 3 of 10 day challenge

    I started this yesterday but I ran out of time and had to go to work. I worked, the Allie came over, I showed her mine craft and we talked, then she left around 8pm because she has to go to church tomorrow (and she lives an hour away) since her Uncles preaching for the first time there, then I went to the mall and hung out at Build-A-Bear, and after that I went to Cajun’s and hung out- Talked to a few people, but mainly I road around with Derrick when he drove the shuttle to drop people off at their hotels. Anyways, I got home about 1:30am and didn’t feel like finishing it then, so now I’m going to try . xp
    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust
    Day 3… so eight things that annoy me…
    1. Sagging pants. Like yesterday at the mall, I was going up the stairs and got stuck behind maybe 5 guys all who had their pants sagging off their ass. Plus, they moved so slow, so I had to stair are their underwear the whole way up the stairs. -.-
    2. Sudden changes in plans. I like consistency and I like knowing what’s going on.
    3. The amount of time it takes hair to grow out lol. I wish I could just cut my hair and give myself bangs and then if I changed my mind or didn’t want them anymore I could just magically grow my hair out to the appropriate length again. 
    4. When someone doesn’t text you back and you know they’re not busy and their phone is on them. 
    5. Stupid people. Like those who are so ignorant/arrogant/oblivious to everything. (Mini Rant to follow) -> For instance, Cara, who’s a month away from having a baby, who’s baby Daddy isn’t in the picture, who’s going to have to work full time to provide for her child, but is still trying to go to fall this fall. Full time job, college, new born baby… those three don’t mix easily. Who’s going to watch the baby while she’s at school and work, and her ass still doesn’t have a drivers license so how is she getting to and from these places while the imaginary person watches the baby? Goals are awesome, but it’s time to come back to reality. 
    6. Cigarette smoking. I really despise it. It’s gross, the stink penetrates everything it’s around. It’s bad for you and those around you. And once again, it stinks!
    7. When people see the signs telling them a lane is ending and to merge, but they keep going on until they can go no further and then they expect you to let them in. -.- Especially if it’s the way the road is designed (like it’s not construction work or something, but the road is set up as two lanes that merge into one at the end of a on-ramp). Unless you have an out-of-state license plate, I’m going to assume you know and even if you aren’t from around here, you saw the signs back there. Big pet peeve there.
    8. When people know you’re insecure about something or upset about something and they push your buttons or make jokes about it, when they know how you feel. It’s like, yeah, aren’t you such a funny guy.. no you’re an ass. If you know saying something (in a joking manner or not) will upset/offend/embarrass someone, it’s no longer a joke. You’re being a bully and an ass. 
    Well, that’s my eight. Some of them are a little long, but if you don’t want to read the whole number, read the first sentence. That’s the main part, the rest is venting or examples of it. 
    I’m at the nursery without wifi, so I’ll have to post this when I get home.

  • P.S.

    I realize my last post was really long but I thought of something else I wanted to update you all on. And rather than adding this to the previous post and making it even longer I figured I’d just post a new short post. 

    I think I mentioned that I didn’t have much of an appetite since Trey left and I was having a hard time eating. 
    Tuesday I just had cereal with Trey that morning and then a yogurt later in the day. Wednesday I had a yogurt, a small smoothie and a cutie. 
    Thursday I had cereal, a chicken salad, a yogurt, and toast. 
    Yesterday, I had cereal, a yogurt, and a tuna sandwich.. oh and carrot sticks. Then I drank a huge strawberry (vodka) lemonade. <- At least that was probably packed with calories lol. 
    I’ve had coffee today and I plan to have some breakfast before work. I don’t know what else will be consumed aside from beer tonight, but I’ll try to eat more today. 
    I’m not eating awesomely, but I’m trying harder now. I worked out Wednesday a little which is why I had the smoothie. And I also worked out Thursday which is probably why I chose to have the chicken salad. Friday morning I went on a 2.25 mile run outside, which also helped encourage lunch. 
    It’s not that I’m trying to starve or lose weight right now. I want to clear that up since the section above makes it look like that. I’ve just had less of an appetite and working out boosts it. I also know if I want to keep working out, I have to fuel my body properly in order for my body to allow me to do so as I wish. 
    So yeah, still have a slightly reduced appetite, but I’m trying to eat more now. 
    I suppose I’m going to put some mascara on, fix my hair, and eat a little before heading to work now. Later ;)

  • Update over the last four days

    I’m not sure what to write about. I just thought I would. 

    Also, the news about xanga shutting down has made me a very sad panda  
    I really hope something works out.
    My countdown is now to 28 days. So four weeks from today a 5pm, Trey’s plane should be arriving. 
    I think I’m doing pretty well. I cried a bunch when he left and on my way home from his house. I went to build-a-bear to hang out for an hour and a half- two hours before going home. That was a good distraction. Then I came home, cried when I entered my room because I guess I realized I was going to be stuck here by myself for the next almost 5 weeks. I layed out in the sun some and then I layed around cuddling my bears. I took some nyquil and probably slept from 4-4:40pm. I moped around some after that, and ended up going back up to build-a-bear to kill time. After that night I’m now hesitant to hang up there when Shelby is the manager because I feel like I just bugged her and talked too much. :/ Angie is really sweet about me coming up there and she understands why I’m there.
    Wednesday, I went to the gym for just a little and I got a text from Trey around 2pm saying that this was his German phone number, he didn’t have an international plan yet so it is uber expensive for him to text, he loved me, and he’d tried to text or call when he got a better plan. 
    I worked Wednesday which was awesome. Work provides a great distraction and it really puts me in a good mood. 
    {{ Perks about my job: I play with kids and help them make bears. I can help them dress them, and last night I got to help a little girl, Millie, braid her Rainbow Dash My Little Ponies’ hair and put bows in it. The heart ceremonies are great and they always put a smile on my face and usually on the guests faces lol. I like everyone I work with. I get to make the bear and dress them up for display sometimes. It’s just an awesome job and an awesome environment to work it. :)  }}
    After work Wednesday, Angie and I ended up talking for like an hour and a half in the parking lot outside! I had no idea we were out there that long lol. Thursday I had counseling and I worked out before it. After counseling, I ran a few errands. I went to lay out around two, and Shelby called and asked if I could work 5:30-8:30 tonight, so I was like Sure! :) That was good and it gave me a few extra hours and kept me occupied. I also got to work with Allie then and we made plans to hang out Saturday night because my closing shift got switched with Cierra’s 12-4:30 shift, so yay! 
    Then yesterday I worked 10-2 and was on call for 2-6. They didn’t use my on-call, but I did stay over 30 minutes because I was helping a guest with something and we were a little busy. 
    Basically  when I got home I cleaned my room more and tried laying out in the sun (I waited too late because my Mom had cleaned the shower and I was trying not to rush it) so the sun was about to set and it became cloudy, so they was a bust. 
    Then I went to the mall, got some jelly beans, looked in a store and went up to build-a-bear to hang. I kept feeding Allie jelly beans while she worked and I found this one flavor, chili mango… OMG, it was horrible! I had it and was like wtf is this shiz!!! So of course, I had to give it to Allie Lol! It was fun. 
    After closing, Angie wanted a smoke break so Allie and I went out with her (freakin’ Allie took on too! :( She’s been without for a month, and before that it was a month too. She quit when she started working at BAB so that’s three months, but it seems like once a month she has one. I don’t want her to start back). When Angie and I came back in, because Angie had more closing stuff to do, the dude from the Pretzel place offered us a lemonade. I was like sure. He offered spiked or regular. Thought he was joking but nope lol. He had pinnacle vodka he added to my strawberry lemonade. Angie knows him very well and he made himself a drink too and Angie one, so I felt comfortable taking it. It was good. :)  
    Today I work 12-4:30 and Allie is going to meet up with me when I get off (since she’s off at 2), then we’re gonna maybe run to Colonial Wine and Spirits and grabbed a few beers. I’mma introduce her to German beers if she’s up to it. Then we’re coming back to my house to chill and maybe game. I’m going to show her mine craft and if she can find her cd she’s gonna bring Oblivion (which Trey was going to download to my computer, but he never got around to it before leaving). 
    I’m excited :) Well, I’m going to go get me some coffee and probably try to eat a little something before going in to work. 

  • Day 2 of 10 day challenge

    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust

    Day 2… so nine things I do daily…

    And I’ll try not to post the obvious like, shower, go pee, eat, drink, sleep, etc.

    1. For the last month, I do a “Feelings Check In” journal entry three times a day. Basically, I list date, time, where I am/what I’m doing, and how I’m feeling. 
    2. Drink coffee! Lol, for those you know me, this might be considered an obvious, but oh well. There are some days where I don’t get to have any, but those are infrequent and sucky. 
    3. Check the weather. I like knowing what it is supposed to be like outside.
    4. Eat a banana. Pretty much everyday I eat a banana with my breakfast. 
    5. Listen to music. Not always a whole lot; sometimes it’s just on the radio, sometimes it’s hours of itunes or running with my ipod. Regardless, it’s usually a daily thing. 
    6. Cursing. I should probably cut down on this, but it’s probably safe to say I cuss on a daily basis.
    7. Use chapstick. And no, my lips are super dry, I just usually keep it in my pockets and use it through out the day. (Especially in the went.)
    8. Talk to myself. Not like in a super crazy way, but the mildly crazy way XP
    9. And normally, talking to my Scriffy/Trey is a daily thing, but not currently :/

    That’d been a lot easier in the school year because my schedule is a lot more ritaul/habit based and stuff. XP