I’m pretty sure I could feel more at ease if I lived at a museum!
“Don’t touch the walls! Careful the floors are new! That rooms off limits!”

WTF!? I get it you repaint every room except the kids bedrooms this summer, but someone putting a hand or leaning against it lightly isn’t going to fuck it up. And yes, I brought my paint brushes in to the kitchen to rinse out in the sink, but I’m not stupid. I cleaned them off in my room, with a cup of water, and then carried them (across your new fucking floors) with the [already cleaned off but wet] brushes in my hands. I made sure they didn’t drip, and if they had of dripped it would’ve been water, not paint. WATER, which you could wipe up that whole drop with a towel.

Another thing, this morning you were fussing at me because you didn’t think I was eating enough and getting enough nutritional value, yet this evening when I was in there making something for myself you walked in and sighed as if it was so horrible that I was in there, making food.
Oh, and then I also got yelled at by you because you’re in a bad mood ’cause Connor’s out late [don't take that shit out on me!] about how I’m always in the kitchen! WTF?! First off, no, I’m not. Secondly, most of the time I’m in there, I’m just getting a beverage. Thirdly, fuck you. You bitch that I’m not eating enough then you bitch about me being in “your” kitchen? [If anything, it's Dad's kitchen.. he's the one who actually has a job.] It’s taking everything in me to not be like “fine, I’ll stay out of your kitchen. I won’t go in to eat anything. I’ll just starve myself like I used to!” And then actually go through with it. I bet if I went a while without eating she’d be thrilled to have me enter “her” kitchen to make some food for myself.

No worries. I’m just venting about that. I know I can’t do that. I am more important and my health is more important than being immature (and I guess in a way, a little controlling).

Back to my point, I just want to live in a place where I feel comfortable and welcome. That’s not here. I don’t feel welcome…. I’m living here, this is my parents house. This isn’t home though.
Trey’s house used to be home, but now it doesn’t even feel like that. I feel like I’m constantly being watched and judged over there. They don’t trust me. They don’t seem to feel comfortable around me.

I just want to have a place where I feel comfortable and welcome and wanted and loved. I’m not wanted at my parents house. I’m not wanted by Trey’s family at his house. I want a place to call home.

It just sucks. I don’t fit in with my family. I don’t fit into Trey’s anymore, maybe eventually I can get that back, but at the moment I don’t.

It’s just… I’m sad. I’m also crying right now. I wish I could text Trey, but he’s asleep and I don’t want to disturb him since he’s two-week training school thingy is exhausting and they have them waking up at like three in the morning. I just wish I could have a Trey hug right now and have him hold me and comfort me.

 

I’m not an artist by any means, but I got inspired/had an idea.

It didn’t turn out as I originally planned, and I was actually quite dissatisfied with it in the middle, but I kept working on it and now I’m really pleased with it/myself.

 

Yeah, it’s kind of weird, but so am I. I like it.

So my mother started being really bitchy to the workmen again right before they went to lunch around 2pm. Once they were outside Connor started telling her that she needed to chill out and not be so disrespectful or they would and could walk out and leave the job unfinished.

She started telling about how they weren’t communicating well. They’d put tiles down in the laundry room and now we couldn’t walk in there until 6am the next morning and if they’d told her that, she would’ve been able to pull the clean towels out of the dryer first. Connor commented that it wasn’t that big of a deal and she said it was because we wouldn’t have enough to all shower in the morning. He went to check the closet and said that there were enough, and this is when I decided to leave my room and join the conversation/yelling match.

I owned four towels myself from living at Trey’s house were there never were clean towels to be found. So I offered to share my towels if needed, because I knew for a fact that I had three clean towels in my room. She yelled “Hell no! Those have been over with those nasty dogs!” Yes, they had been, but they’d been washed and dried since I’d gotten here. She started getting icky and saying stuff like not before hell freezes over and yadda yadda. So I was like “fine, you can fucking air dry for all I care. I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL! Fuck you bitch!” (yeah, I know real mature, but she was pissing me off.)

I went back to my room and then came back a minute later, and told her how when I went to the doctors Monday he had said what she did was really stupid and dangerous. I know what I did was stupid to begin with (talking about the OD’ing about a month ago), but by her not taking me to the ER and just monitoring me until things got to the point where she’d take me if she felt I needed to be taken was really risky. If I had gotten really bad, to the point where she would consider me worthy of going to the ER for my OD, I’d already been fucked. There would’ve been too much damage to my organs. Damage that could’ve been prevented. Then she said, “well I don’t have money to blow at doctors. It’s not my fault I can’t afford all your doctors you need (my doctor also recommend I start seeing a therapist/psychiatrist).
So I yelled back well maybe I would’ve need so many doctors if you hadn’t have fucked me up so bad! You’re the reason I have most of my issues! And she was like oh, so I’m the reason you had an eating disorder and you have anxiety?! I was like YES!!
“I don’t know how to cope with stress or anything because I was never taught that growing up! You never showed or taught healthy ways to handle stuff, you just through fits! No wonder I have two year old tantrums!! I’m a product of my environment! When ever you don’t get your way or something goes wrong you freak out, over-react, and explode! And when I was 11 and 12, yeah I carried a little extra weight, but that’s normal for girls around that age. I was about to go through puberty. You criticized my body and made me so self-conscious! Those uniform the first year of cheer, I know I looked horrible in it! That wasn’t a flattering uniform on anyone, but that doesn’t matter. I knew I looked bad, you didn’t have to constantly point it out! Yeah, it made me self-conscious and I didn’t know how to handle stuff well so I went to unhealthy habits.”

At that point I walked away and went to my room. I text Trey, “I know I’m not suppose to text you unless you text me first but I’m sorry. I can’t be here anymore, I can’t live with this bitch anymore. I need out.” Then I immediately started grabbing clothes and putting stuff in my bag: clothes, my medicince, running shoes, a towel, shampoo, tooth brush and paste, and I took off.
I’d texted Heather to see what she was doing and she was at work, but would be off in an hour, so I asked a huge favor from her and basically told her shit had hit the fan at my house, and I was wondering if I could stay the night (we were already planning on going to lunch and the mall today, so it’d just be an extended visit). She said it was no problem, and I went to the school gym until later.

I’m not taking summer classes, so I don’t have free gym access (stupid rule), so I bought a three dollar day pass and work off some anger. I ran a mile around the inside track, then biked three miles (which took 45 minutes), and I was uber sweaty after that! Then I went to the weight room and did some crunches and some ab/core work out with the exercise ball, and then I did some “man builders” with 15 lb. weights, and I finished up with that inner thigh workout machine thingy. Then I showered off and headed to Heather’s.

My Mom didn’t know where I went because she and Connor had gone somewhere when I left and I wasn’t answering my phone. [Connor called my 12 times yesterday and 4 times today before I got back, and my Mom called once yesterday.] Heather and I caught up since we hadn’t hung out in forever and then we went to the Villa to have some Italian. After that we came back and chilled the rest of the night. Just watched tv and chatted.
This morning we got up and around 11am or noon we went to the mall and shopped around for a while, then we went to Pei Wei (an awesome Asian diner!) around three for lunch. After finishing eating {and jacking a bunch of fortune cookies } we went back to her house and hung out there. She tried on some stuff that had just come in via UPS and we messed around tumblr. Then her boyfriend, Evan, came over and shortly after that I heard from Trey, and was able to go see him for a little bit.

I got to his house around seven, and he only had like two hours before he had to go back to base, but we got to watched some tv and rubbed his back and feet for him while I was over. Poor baby is exhausted. [Did I mention he's doing this two week training thingy for some mortar thing?]

I came back home after that and no one was here, but the floors were all done! And maybe 10 minutes later everyone got back, they’d gone to watch Connor play a gig. No one questioned where I’d been, which was nice. Not like I did anything bad, but not being interrogated was nice. Especially considering I was M.I.A. for 32 hours.

At least things are calm now. Oh, and there’s a possibility Heather and I might go to the lake Sunday afternoon and stay at her houseboat until Tuesday morning, then drive back in because she has an appointment! She just has to make sure she can take off from work. If so that’ll be fun. Neither of us have been swimming this summer and I haven’t been the the house boat in ages! Fingers crossed it happens!

My Mom’s getting hardwood flooring in her bedroom, the hall way, the living room, dining room, and kitchen. The carpets we have are from the 70s when my Mom bought the house.

It’s loud and noisy and yesterday I got to see Trey got a little bit and he pointed out that my pupils were really dilated and asked what I’d taken but I hadn’t taken anything. It was just from this really strong gluey stuff they were using here.

I went down to the library this morning  because you couldn’t get to a bathroom at all. We have two full baths and a half bath, and they were all blocked off. So I just chilled there and felt free to pee as I needed to.

I think the kitchen’s about to be blocked off for several hours too. All I’ve had to eat today wa two pieces o toast around ten this morning… Someone needs to come save me.

My Mom’s also being really icky. (Like usual.) I know this is stressful and you’re pissed and you don’t like people in your house, but you were the one that wanted new floors. You were the one that hired and invited these men in and they’re just trying to do the job they’ve been hired to do. Maybe they aren’t working on one room at a time, like originally planned, but things change. Go with the flow and stop yelling at them.
You know, this morning when you were being completely disrespectful I was thrilled to hear that poor man stand up to you and say that he didn’t deserve to be treated like that and he wouldn’t. He was about to pack his stuff up and walk out. I’m glad you had to apologize and be put in your place. Yes, they were late by about an hour, but if I’m not mistaken it was because they had trouble getting the tiles needed for the dining room. Shit happens, plans change, yeah it’d been nice of them to call and let you know what was up, but oh well. Chill out and go with the flow!

All right, speaking of chilling out, I’m just breathe now. Sorry that turned into a bit of a vent, I originally got on to write about my doctors appointment yesterday, but then I started on the floors and yeah… I’ll try to post about that soon separately. I’m going to go read or something and attempt to relax.

Hope everyone is having a good day!

 

Mother, just because you’re stressed and pissed does NOT make it okay to yell at and be disrespectful to these men you hired to do your floors. That is not okay!

Dear mother,

I realize I was out of the house for the last eight months, but I’m still your daughter. And it’s not like I even want to be here, you and I both know I’m only here because I have no other choice.

The way you run your house is ridiculous. I know you don’t like people messing around in your kitchen, but I refuse to be dependent like your two sons and be waited on hand and foot it I want something. I like acting like an adult and doing stuff myself, like going in the fridge and getting a glass of milk or making some coffee for myself. If I want a sandwich or a bowl of cereal, I’m perfectly capable of getting up and making it. And unlike your sons, I know how to put my dishes in the sink, rather than leaving them where ever I had them. I’m also quite capable of handwashing my dishes or loading and working the dishwasher.

Speaking if doing stuff for myself, I know how to do my own laundry. Since you refused to ever teach me or allow me to learn, Trey taught me when I moved in with him. The fact that you have to micromanage the laundry is ridiculous.

Other things that you micromanage are the bathroom. It’s pretty ridiculous how I’m not allowed to shut the door when I shower. I know no one would purposefully walk in on me, but I’d still like my privacy. Not to mention when you step out of the shower, the mirror on the wall gives a perfect reflection to everyone outside the bathroom. I’d rather not risk my parents or my little brother getting a peak at me naked just because you don’t want the door shut!

Oh, and the bathroom door. Normal people lock the bathroom door when they go to the bathroom. You don’t even want us closing the door all the way! What the fuck?! I don’t think it’s abnormal to want to have the door closed when I’m going to the bathroom. It’s called privacy.

It’s also really annoying how you over-react about your fucking walls. I understand you just spent the last couple of months painting the whole house, but my placing a hand on he wall isn’t going to damage the paint!

You make me feel completely inadequate. You act as if I’m a humongous bother to your existence. It’s quite obvious you were happier with me gone, but unfortunately, I have no choice but to be here for at least a little bit. I mean, it’s that or living under a bridge. And you know what? I’m here because I fucked up. I fucked up because I was raised by a psychotic, controlling bitch who didn’t know how to raise children or teach them how to express emotions or cope well. When I was eleven or twelve and started to put on a little weight, like most children do around that age, you sure pointed it out and made me feel disgusting. You made me feel uncomfortable and hate my body. You criticized it and made me feel insecure. It’s no wonder I developed an eating disorder! And you know how I throw fits or have temper tantrums sometimes when I don’t get my way, guess who I learned that from! You are just the same way, if things aren’t how you want them then you’re going to make everyone just as miserable as you are. I mean, I realize I have to take personal responsibility to change myself, but I’m just saying I’m a product of my environment. You make me feel worthless and as though I’m not good enough.. like I can’t do anything right.

You talk shit about other people judging others, but you’re so narrow-minded. You’re extremely picky and stuck in your way. You’re a pessimist, you call it being realistic, but there’s a difference. You always think the worst of things and other people can sense it. You put out this vibe.. where it’s just like ‘calm the fuck down’.. you stress over too much stuff.

You make it seem as though money is the most important thing. Yeah, the first time I OD’d Trey took me to the ER.. he was worried about me. He was afraid for my health and thought if he didn’t take me that I could have really fucked my body up. He was concerned for my safety. I realize ERs and hospitals are expensive, but you can’t put a price on someones life. The second time I OD’d, honestly, you should’ve taken me to the hospital. I know it’d been expensive and I’d probably been locked up somewhere in a mental ward, but maybe I needed to be. I know as an adult you have to consider finances, but putting that before your childs health is ridiculous. There’s a difference between being financially responsible and being irresponsible. Having money is important, but humans come before money. [And the money stuff has always been a big thing with her. It's not even just about the OD's and stuff. She always thinks about money and costs first.]

You always put so much infesses (sp?) on not airing our dirty laundry. When I was really sick with my eating disorder, you didn’t want a soul to find out. I didn’t want everyone knowing either, but you made so much shame and guilt put on it. Same thing when I finally came out about the sexual abuse with my ex. Maybe if you were more caring and reacted calmer, I’d been able to come forward to you a lot sooner than I did. (And the only reason I did at first was because the doctors at the eating disorder clinic were going to alert the police so you had to know.) And when Connor was having issues and having episodes you put so much secrecacy on it. Hell, you basically taught us to lie if it made things look better. You taught us to fake stuff and that having any problems or struggles was something to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.

Out of the four of your kids, the only normal one is Erin, and that’s probably because she barely spent time with you. She did school, then went to gymnastics for hours, she hung out at friends a lot, or she’d stay in her room and entertain herself. Once she was sixteen, she was pretty much at gymnastics, work, or with friends. She escaped the damage you inflected upon the rest of us. That’s the reason she’s normal.

Pretty much all of my issues I have, I can link back to you. The damage is done. You set me up to be fucked up. I guess not I have to work my ass off to help myself.

I want a fish. My Mom doesn’t want any type of pet but I had one when I was 14-15 and did fine with it. It’s frustrating. I went to walmart and I know what kind of fish I want and I even picked out a specific one I wanted, but she’s really against it. I already have a bowl, I would buy the pebbles and food,  and the fish! It’d be kept in my room and the only time it would even be a “problem” was when I needed to clean it’s bowl. I’d have to do that in the kitchen sink and she has an issue with having fish water in her sink. Even though I could freakin’ wash the sink out once I was done!

I mean, it’s a FISH. I’m not asking for much. Hell, I kind of want a cat, but I know she’d never go for that. Besides, I used to bug her for a dog or hamster. [That was before I lived at Trey's with their three big dogs and discovered I'm not as much of a dog person as I thought...]

Seriously, a fish is like the simplest pet!  Oh, and I also know what I want to name my fish.
I’m not asking for that much. Just a freakin’ fishy.

 

{I realize this is kind of a pointless/boring post, but I just felt like writing and kind of like venting about it, so yeah.}

I painted my nails yesterday, but I didn’t have my camera cord until today. But now that I have it, I can upload pictures!

 

LEFT HAND!

 

RIGHT HAND!

 

Left fingers! {And my ring ^.^ }

 

Right fingers!

 

Aren’t they awesome?!

I love looking at them. They just make me happy. 

I did ‘em all by myself!

Jealous?

• My Mom’s in a really bad mood and being quite bitchy.
• Trey’s busy doing something with his family in Missouri right now,
  so here’s not really responding to my text.
• Heather and I were going to hang out today but she’d forgotten about some holiday plans with her Mom, so he rescheduled for Sunday.
• I just finished reading my book, and have yet to start a new one yet.
• There’s nothing on tv really.

There! That’s my reasoning for doing this.. not like I really have to explain myself

I found this on @RighteousBruin ‘s site…

81 Things

1. What Color Is Your Toothbrush
Red

2. Name One Person That Always Makes You Smile?
Trey

3.What Were You Doing At 8 Am This Morning?
Drinking coffee and messing around on the computer

4.What Were You Doing 45 Minutes Ago?
Drinking a banana protein smoothie!

5. What Is Your Favorite Candy ?
Hmm.. probably Hot Tamales (the cinnamon chewy candies)

6.Have You Ever Been To A Strip Club
Nope!

7. What’s the last thing you said out loud?
Not bad.. strange song though.

8.What Is The Best Ice Cream Flavor?
Vanilla Bean

9. What is the last thing you had to drink?
Coffee!

10. What Is The Longest You Have Gone Without Sleeping
I’ve gone like three days before…

11.Have You Ever Made A Promise You’d Die To Keep?
Errm, not that I remember?

12.Have You Bought Any New Clothing Items This Week
Nah.

13.The Last Sporting event watched?
An Arkansas Baseball game.

14. What Is Your Favorite Flavor Of Popcorn?
Kettle Corn

15.Who Is The Last Person You Sent A Message On Facebook?
Jamie or Lexie?

16.Ever Go Camping?
Not yet.

17.Do You Take Vitamins Daily?
I try, sometimes I forget.

18. Do You Go To Church Every Sunday?
This year I have with the exception of one Sunday (when I was in Corpus Christi), but that’s because I work in the nursery, to be honest.

19. Do You Have A Tan?
A little bit of one.

21. Do You Drink Your Soda With A Straw?
No.

23. What Are You Doing Tomorrow?
Hopefully seeing Trey in the afternoon when he gets home from Missouri! Otherwise, I won’t get to see him for another two weeks due to army training stuff.

24.Where Is Your Dad?
Umm, I think Pittsburgh.

25. Look To Your Left, What Do you see?
My bed and window.

26.What Color Is Your Watch
I don’t really wear a watch at the moment.

27. What Do You Think Of When You Hear Australia?
Australian accents

28.What did you do yesterday
Nothing really… Chilled, did an insanity video, biked some, drew a little bit.

29. Do You Go In At A Fast Food Place Or Just Hit The Drive Thru?
I rarely ever eat fast food, but if I were to I’d go in.

30.What Is Your Favorite Number?
Three!

31. Who did you last talk to on the phone?
The secretary person at the UALR counseling center.

32.Any Plans Today
I had plans with Heather, but those fell through… so not really now.

34. Biggest Annoyance In Your Life Right Now?
My Mother.

35. Last Song Listened To
“Tears Don’t Fall” by Bullet For My Valentine <3

36. Can You Say The Alphabet Backwards
Yes, I can.

37. Do You Have A Maid Service Clean Your House?
Pfft. NO! lol

38. Favorite Pair Of Shoes You Wear All The Time?
Currently, flip flops.

39. Are You Jealous Of Anyone?
Not really.

40. Is Anyone Jealous Of You?
I don’t know.

41. Do You Love Anyone?
Yes

43. What Do You Usually Do During The Day?
Read, mess around on the internet, text/hang with Trey.. other stuff.

44. Do You Hate Anyone That You Know Right Now?
No, but there’s definitely someone I don’t like right now.

45. Do You Use The Word ‘hello’ Daily?
Not necessarily, but I use synonyms of hello daily.

47. Do You Like Cats?
Yes.

48. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
No.

49. How Did You Get Your Worst Scar?
A rough night.

50. Been physically attracted to another woman?
Nope.

51. Last Cd Played?
Flyleaf

52. Last Bubble Bath?
I can’t even remember.

53. Last Time You Cried?
Maybe Saturday?

54. Last Meal?
Banana protein smoothie

55. Have You Ever Dated Someone Twice?
Like broken up with them, then gotten back together? No.

56. Have You Ever Kissed Someone & Regretted It
Not immediately, but I regret the whole relationship in general.

57. Have you Ever Fallen In Love
Yes!

58. Have You Ever Lost Someone?
Kind of.

59. Have You Ever Slept Until 1pm?
Yes, but in my defense I didn’t go to bed until like 8 or 9am… I was in a bad place.

60. Have You Ever Been Drunk And Thrown Up?
Yes.

61. Someone You Tell Pretty Much Anything To?
Pretty much.

62. List Three Favorite Colors/shades/tint/tone —
Blue, purple, pink.

63. Laughed Until You Cried:
Yes, just last week I did that. :3

64. Went Behind Your Parents Back:
Yep.

65. Who Posted This Before You?
@ RighteousBruin

66. Favorite weather?
That’s hard.. it depends on my mood.

67. Lowering The Drinking Age?
Err, I’m not getting into it.

69. Who Are The Best Huggers That You Know?
Trey.

70. Do You Believe In Love At First Sight
I guess it depends.

71. Is There Something You Want To Tell Someone?
Yes.

73. Would You Kiss Anyone On Your Top Friends?
Wasn’t top friends from myspace? Lol and no.

74. How Many Kids Do You Want To Have?
I think two.

75. Do You Want To Change Your Name?
Only my last night.

76. Last Time You Saw Your Father?
Sunday before he left for Miami for work. (Then after that he went up to Pittsburgh.)

77. What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
7:07AM

78. How Old Are You?
19

79. What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night?
Reading, about to go to bed.

80. What Is Your Favorite Thing In Your Room?
Umm, Idk… I guess my ipod, cell phone, or laptop?

81. Where Is Your Best Friend?
Apparently she’s doing 4th of July stuff with her Mom.

 

Anyways, I might vent about my Mom in another post later today.. it’ll just depend on how I feel.

Happy Independence Day everyone!

So if you know me very well, you probably know I don’t know very many healthy coping mechanisms.

One of the things my councelor wanted me to think about was healthier coping mechanisms.

I see her next Thursday, and I haven’t come up with much.

I’m hoping you guys would be willing to help make suggestions on ways I could cope when stressed or anxious &/or share what you do to cope.

I’d really appreciate it!

One thing I know therapist always say is journaling and that doesn’t work for me. Blogging on here helps sometimes, but sometimes I’m too frantic to come get on computer and write and other times my laptop isn’t available to me when I get anxious/stressed.

I would say running is a good option for me, but right now in this heat, it’s not such a great idea lol. I’d hate to get heat stroke or pass out or something trying to run when it’s in the 100s here lol.

Anyways, any advice you can give would be awesome. Oh, and I don’t typically ask for it, but if you could REC this then it’d be seen by more and I could possibly get more responses and more advice on coping mechanisms. So yeah, REC please?

Thanks guys!