March 17, 2012

• Explaining what’s postponed

  A lot has changed since I last updated.

  Two Thursdays ago, the 8th, Trey and I went out to dinner with my parents.

  They brought up trying to get together with his parents so we can make more wedding plans and begin to get things figured out in more detail.

  {By the way, speaking of details. When I went dress shopping on the 3rd, I discovered you have to have an appointment to try dresses on. So I looked around and made an appointment to return the next Saturday.. the 10th.}

  Friday, the 10th, my Mom called on the way home from school reminding me that we needed to all get together. I mentioned it to Trey again because I was tired of dealing with it. I’d mentioned it to his Dad twice and both times he’d kind of put it off as jokingly saying stuff like we don’t need to meet with those people. I’m way better than them. You know, being silly while actually avoiding the topic. Friday morning before school Trey was talking to his Dad and his dad made some comment about us not having a place to live and Trey not having a job (aside from the army). I was beginning to get the feeling Trey’s dad was growing less supportive.

  Before getting in the shower, Trey called his mom because she’d be easier to set something up with. Even without the phone being on speaker, I overheard the conversation…

  Apparently Trey’s parents don’t think the timing is good. They don’t support us getting married now. They think we should wait until we are more financially stable and have our own place… She also assumed I was the one pushing for this…. He proposed to me. He wanted to get married in March or April, I pushed it back until after graduation. (May 27, 2012) I’m the one who has two jobs and is taking 16 hours this semester.

  I went ahead and hopped into the shower before I could hear anymore… I didn’t want to hear anymore.
  You know what’s awesome about showers? You can stick your face under the water and it’s hard to tell you’re crying.

  After Trey got off the phone he came and talked to me. He wanted to make sure I was okay with it and I basically responded I had to be. He thinks it’s a good idea (he thinks it sucks too, but he still thinks it’s best).

  Initial reaction: I felt hurt, sad, confused, numb.

  It sucks. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said those two words describing this. It sucks.

  I told Trey he was going to have to tell me parents. He didn’t want to but I said I wasn’t doing it. Honestly, I think I made him do it as a way of punishment. He was putting it off. He didn’t say anything sooner. His parents are responsible for this. They planted this idea in his head.

  I texted my Mom later that day and told her I had a lot of homework and studying to do this weekend so we would need to reschedule the wedding dress appointment. I really didn’t feel like trying dresses on after that. Sunday at the nursery I had to keep changing the subject when she’d mention it because I didn’t want to talk about it or have to lie about it.

  Oh, and Friday night at Cajuns. I had a break down. I was texting Trey and we were talking and I lost it. I ran into the womens room as I already had tears streaming down my face and locked myself in the bathroom. I just sat on the floor bawling hysterically. After a few minutes I called TJ at the hostess stand from my cell and told him to call a manager up there because I’d be a minute. After I pulled myself together I walked out and Dan was up there. He went to ask what was wrong and as soon as I went to say “nothing” my voice cracked and I started crying again. He took me up to the office and called David and Ricky to help up front and he made me talk to him and tell him what was wrong. He said I could go home if I needed to, but I told him I just needed a moment and I could pull myself together. I took a quick breather, drank some water, and managed to get it under control. I couldn’t allow myself to think about it all night or my eyes would begin to water again.
  I cried so much when I got home.

  Trey texted my Mom and she wanted us to meet up at Sam’s to talk with her and my dad. So we did. Basically, they thought it was a good idea. They kept trying to get me to talk and give my opinion and thoughts, but I just wanted to play with my berry sundae. I didn’t want people asking how I was. How do you think I am?!

  Tuesday would have been two months and two weeks ’til! I was the one making plans and trying to be productive thinking this was happening. I was looking at dresses and trying to figure out bridesmaid/maid of honor dresses. My Mom had gotten a photographer, and talked to someone about this candle holder decorative piece, and I’d talked to my cousin about the flowers (she does flower arrangements professionally). I had someone set aside to do my hair and make up. I was looking at invitations and trying to come up with a guest list. I was trying to figure out the cake and any food. I was making arrangements with the church and ordered some book we’ll need to read first in order to get “approved” by the minister. Someone was about to start setting up a bridal shower for me at the church.
  I was being productive and evidentally oblivious! I thought everyone was for this and supported this.

  I thought everyone approved of us getting married. I was going to sound like a boat this summer (my initials after I get married will be RSS). I feel stupid. Apparently I’m the only one who thought this was a good thing.

  I’d picked out the date and really fallen in love with the sound of 05-27-12

  I’m hurt by all this.

  I’m upset.

  I feel foolish and silly and stupid.

  I feel rejected.

  I’m mad at his parents for putting this in his head.

  I’m mad they didn’t say something sooner.

  I’m mad they watched quietly while I tried to make plans and get things in order.

  I resent them for fucking up our wedding and us getting married then.

  I’m angry Trey didn’t say something earlier.

  I’m angry my parents agree that it’s best.

  I’m frustrated my sister thinks it’s best.

  I’m upset that I’m the only one not okay with this.

  I’m not happy with this. I’m sad. It hurts.

  IT SUCKS.

  I don’t like it.

  I’ve tried to be strong and not, be too depressed but it’s really got me down.

  From Thursday night to Friday at noon EVERYTHING changed.

  My whole world did a 180 flip.

  I don’t want to cry in front of Trey a lot or express how upset I am because I know he doesn’t like it either, but I hate this. My emotions are all over the place.. I’ll feel fine and then all of a sudden something will happen or something and I’m depressed and wanting to cry.

  Maybe I’m insecure and want to security of marriage back. I know he loves me and he says he’ll never leave me and we’ll still getting married someday. I liked having a date. A plan. Plan’s make me feel like I know what’s going on and make me at least think I have some control on the situation. Now I have none. I have no idea what’s going on.

  All I know is this sucks.

   

  P.S. I’m terrible about replying back to comments so I’m going to tab everyone who was sweet enough to show concern and comment on my previous post. This way everyone can know what that was referring to…  @listenslikespring, @sentimentaldoll, @mamabeans, @greekphysique, @tout_nestpas_parfait, @malestop, @mysoldier_myworld, @mrs_foodlover, @lexisbossy, @doubledb, @lovejennyy, @ccrider17, @sf2slc, @willgojogforicecream, @hushedjournal6,

  • 12:13 pm
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