July 14, 2012
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This is Hell
I’m pretty sure I could feel more at ease if I lived at a museum!
“Don’t touch the walls! Careful the floors are new! That rooms off limits!”WTF!? I get it you repaint every room except the kids bedrooms this summer, but someone putting a hand or leaning against it lightly isn’t going to fuck it up. And yes, I brought my paint brushes in to the kitchen to rinse out in the sink, but I’m not stupid. I cleaned them off in my room, with a cup of water, and then carried them (across your new fucking floors) with the [already cleaned off but wet] brushes in my hands. I made sure they didn’t drip, and if they had of dripped it would’ve been water, not paint. WATER, which you could wipe up that whole drop with a towel.
Another thing, this morning you were fussing at me because you didn’t think I was eating enough and getting enough nutritional value, yet this evening when I was in there making something for myself you walked in and sighed as if it was so horrible that I was in there, making food.
Oh, and then I also got yelled at by you because you’re in a bad mood ’cause Connor’s out late [don't take that shit out on me!] about how I’m always in the kitchen! WTF?! First off, no, I’m not. Secondly, most of the time I’m in there, I’m just getting a beverage. Thirdly, fuck you. You bitch that I’m not eating enough then you bitch about me being in “your” kitchen? [If anything, it's Dad's kitchen.. he's the one who actually has a job.] It’s taking everything in me to not be like “fine, I’ll stay out of your kitchen. I won’t go in to eat anything. I’ll just starve myself like I used to!” And then actually go through with it. I bet if I went a while without eating she’d be thrilled to have me enter “her” kitchen to make some food for myself.No worries. I’m just venting about that. I know I can’t do that. I am more important and my health is more important than being immature (and I guess in a way, a little controlling).
Back to my point, I just want to live in a place where I feel comfortable and welcome. That’s not here. I don’t feel welcome…. I’m living here, this is my parents house. This isn’t home though.
Trey’s house used to be home, but now it doesn’t even feel like that. I feel like I’m constantly being watched and judged over there. They don’t trust me. They don’t seem to feel comfortable around me.I just want to have a place where I feel comfortable and welcome and wanted and loved. I’m not wanted at my parents house. I’m not wanted by Trey’s family at his house. I want a place to call home.
It just sucks. I don’t fit in with my family. I don’t fit into Trey’s anymore, maybe eventually I can get that back, but at the moment I don’t.
It’s just… I’m sad. I’m also crying right now. I wish I could text Trey, but he’s asleep and I don’t want to disturb him since he’s two-week training school thingy is exhausting and they have them waking up at like three in the morning. I just wish I could have a Trey hug right now and have him hold me and comfort me.
Comments (7)
<3
I love you.
This will pass. It’s okay to vent and it’s okay to cry. Just know that way out West, there are peeps who would be glad to see you and accept you for who you are. The way your folks are says more about them than it does about you. Hang in there.
I only just stumbled on your page here a week ago or so, so I don’t know anything about your past or really anything about you, but I wonder if you’ve ever given college a thought. Financial aid covers room and board usually so you could have a place you could feel comfortable which is not even the biggest benefit. It’s just a thought and it’s not an easy process, but it IS possible. I’m sorry you are not comfortable where you live.
Any chance you could go visit someone for a few days? Just a change of atmosphere?
Come live with meeee, I love youu <3
@lovelightwellness - @RighteousBruin - @sunflower_surveys - @prexskinny - @Doubledb - So I know this is a really late response, but thanks every one.
@ccrider17 - And thank you too. Unfortunately I’m not able to stay over at Trey’s a whole lot right now and I stayed at Heather’s a week or two ago, but she has a job and a boy friend and I don’t want to impose too much, so I try to save asking to stay over for a day or two for when I really need it. And unfortunately I don’t have a very big group of friends… Heather’s basically it, well at least of people who I actually hang out with.. I have some aquaitances, but not the kind that you impose yourself on.