July 26, 2012
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Frustrated.
I feel frustrated. I feel exhausted. I feel emotional, and I also feel tired of feeling that way. I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel hurt.
I’m frustrated to the point of being near tears.
Trey’s busy so I can’t go hang with him and unload all my minds never ending thoughts on him.
Heather’s at the lake with her boyfriend this week, so she’s busy.
It’s too hot outside to go running, and I don’t want to pay to go to the school gym.
Luckily my counseling appointment in tomorrow morning though.In the mean time I decided to do art-therapy. Well, I don’t know if what I did fit the technically terms, but it’s my version of it anyways…
(This is done with pastels/charcoal)
The picture doesn’t make them look as good as they do in person, but oh well.
This is a picture of what my emotions would look like if you could see ‘em.
(I wish I’d taken steps as I went because you’d be amazed at how it looked in the beginning, middle, and end… very different lol.)
(This is done with crayon.)
It helped me feel a little better.It feels like my Mom cares more about her house, than she does about me. She claims she can’t afford to help me get help (despite the fact that I’m at the point of really needing it), yet she’s getting new floors, repainting the whole house, soon getting new furniture. She’s gotten new light fixtures and shit. And she has money to constantly fill her gas tank so Connor can go running around town driving her car where ever he wants to go all the time.
However, I’m not stable. I hate to admit it but I’ve relapsed and I haven’t been doing well at all with eating lately. It’s frustrating. I haven’t acted on it, but there have been times were I think it’d be better on everyone if I would have fully OD’d. I know I can’t have any repeats of that, but it crosses my mind sometimes. There are some nights were I drink nyquil just for the comfort of being tired and sleeping a good ten hours (sometimes more). I need to see this psychiatrist (not just the UALR counselor), but if I see her she will also require me to see an eating disorder specialist because she’s found in years past that she’s not very good at fixing those. That’s two doctors and QualChoice doesn’t cover any mental health needs. And my Mom expects me to cover that. I quit Cajun’s in May. It’d gotten too much and was depressing me and I was miserable there. I now just work 2 and a half hours a week at the church working the nursery. It’s ten and hour, but that’s only $25 a week. I can’t cover medical bills at $100 a month. I’m looking for a new job, but school starts in less than a month and I’m taking 16 hours. I can’t work full time. She said I should find a job with insurance, but HELLO! I’m 19, I have a high school degree and 32 hours of credit at UALR… I’m pretty damn sure it’d be impossible to find a job with insurance at my age and considering I’m going to school. I mean, maybe I could afford everything if I started working the pole every night and then going to school in the weekdays, and doing the nursery on Sunday morning… yeah, that’d work, but then I wouldn’t get sleep and I’d be degrading myself. SERIOUSLY!
I sent her a text last Sunday saying, “I know you’re old and don’t have a lot of money, but if you don’t get me help, I’m going to end up dead. Just saying.” She didn’t respond… I mean, honestly, if I have to keep on going like this and I don’t get help I will eventually lose Trey and that’ll probably push me over the edge, which I’m already on. I can’t live like this. I’ll kill myself if I have to go on like this.
I don’t know why she doesn’t want to believe I need help. For fucks sake, I OD’d a little more than a month ago. Intentionally. I don’t like having to admit it, but I was trying to kill myself. I’d gotten to the point of hopeless where I didn’t see the point of going on. I’d like to get help so I don’t ever get to that point again. I’d like to be healthy and happy again. But I can’t do that on my own… I need help financially and I need professional help too.
Comments (13)
*big hugs* I’m sorry you are going through all of this. If you ever need someone to vent to, send me a message on here and I’ll be glad to help you <3
i had a full time job at 19. and then i started school. school during the day, work in the evenings. you may not be able to find a job with insurance but restaurants are always hiring and you can make great money working nights and weekends. you just have to put forth the effort.
(hugs) it sounds like you’re going through a tough time and you really do need your mom…maybe instead of a text you can sit down with her and have a one on one “hey mom i really need help i’m not kidding” talk.
Well you need to start with the way you talk to her, hun. You sound bratty….why is she going to want to help if you constantly insult her and giving her a guilt trip? I’m guessing that’s why shes not taking you seriously. Man, if I talked to my mom like that i’d get slapped in the mouth….and like what @grizzlybearr said, sending a text message isn’t a good way to convey to your mom that you need serious help. Take some time, sit with her, compose yourself and tell her whats going on (without insults or guilt tripping).
I had two jobs at 19. I ended up with a third one too. It is pointless. I joined the military to get away and then they stole all of myresources as usual. I flip them off these days. No, i do not know why that happened. It is their turn. I play video games and type nonstop, and i will until i die. I am mortal human. We are going to put some hellfire down here to share the burden. We are breaking to broken. Everyone needs to be apart of civilization. They are cheating.
@grizzlybearr - ehere did you work? You inspire the stupidity. Roar. I ended up with 2 to 3 jobs, school and a 20+ mile bicycle trip every day and night. I worked split shifts. I thought the 6 hour night in bootcamp was heaven. I then tried to keep going on full speed until we had a trainwteck, which everyone used for their own end. We can share this burden. Ritual sacrifices to the gods are annoying.
Focus on school or youll be trapped. I eventually got a lobotomy. That screws them over because i cant multitask now. They should have just injected me for awhile. We all know we dont take them. Now im stuck like this forever. Useless. It wasnt just one operation either.
Are there any crisis centers around there? Or free clinics?
I could give you money… but what would I get in return?
@grizzlybearr - Right now I have the Arkansas Lottery Scholarship and I have to take 15 hours a semester to keep it, so I can’t only do school part time and work full time, and I’d be afraid to try full time student and full time work because if I don’t keep my grades up then I’d lose the scholarship.. and I really need that. Plus full time worker and student would add a lot of stress which I don’t deal well with, so trying to recover and get into a good mentally stable place would be a lot harder with all the extra stress.
@UnconventionalButterfly @grizzlybearr - - As for the talking with my Mom, I know the text wasn’t a good start. I was sort of having an anxiety/bpd fit when I texted her and I wasn’t in a calm, rational mood. After my counseling tomorrow (because she wants me to check if UALR has an eating disorder specialist) I’m going to talk to her in a mature matter and try to come up with some possibilties.
@xdeelynnx - Thank you
@ccrider17 - Tomorrow during my counseling I might as about that. Maybe there’s some group or something there that I could join?
@RulerofMasons - My gratitude and deep appreciation!?
some grocery stores give insurance, even with part timers. you could maybe look into that, too.
Consider finding another job that provides you with about 10-15 hours of work when school starts, that should be a reasonable load. Working 20+ hours is possible, but it will add stress. I know people who did it, but it’s not their choice.
I used to do between 14 to 19 hours of school (excluding labs) and about 10-15 hours of work going through school. It didn’t affect my study even when i have to travel 30 min each way to work via public transportation.
You definitely need help, and your mom’s not listening. I would suggest talking to a youth counselor at church. If you’re uncomfortable w/ people at your own church, go to another one. Ultimately, it’s God who’s able to help you, and He will, if you let Him.
BTW, your life is worth much more than you realize. Don’t give it away that easily.
don’t feel bad as this is just a small hiccup. things will get better real soon. stay focused on the goals in front of you and forget the rest. you can do it and you know what to do.
Worst case scenario, come live with me.