September 15, 2012

• I wanna try it

  I’m thinking about seeing an hypnotist. Trey has psychology this year (just a different class) and they were talking about how traumatic experiences can burying themselves down deep in the psychy (sp?) and wreck havoc later on in the person life. 

  It’s definitely save to say I’ve been through some trauma. 

  I don’t know what happened when I was little, but I’m sure something did related to guilt, because I am so easily guilted… Think I’m exaggerating… check out this.

  Yeah, that’s extreme. 

  And then I became anorexic when I was 14 as I was starting to date an 18 year old who convince/manipulated/forced me to do sexual stuff I wasn’t ready for nor did I want. However, part of what made it easy about me is that he discovered the guilt thing and used it against me… and filled my head with lies. 

  After that I continued with my eating disorder and started cutting myself at 15. 

  I had suicidal thoughts until I was 18, which is when I pretty much recovered, only to be continued to by a spiral down which included a relapse and 2 suicide attempts this last summer. (May 24th, minor in my opinion) and July 14th (Way major, almost succeeded). Oh, then I got wasted and drove drunk until Trey came over which consisted of a psychotic episode…

  I’m doing better with eating, but I still have bouts of depression and anxiety. Oh and I’m now on 40mgs of celexa. 

  When Trey mentioned the hypnosis he made a comment about maybe even getting me where I’d eat chocolate again. (I refuse to eat it.No for eating disorder reasons. For reasons related to the sexually abusive ex.. long hard story). That scares the crap out of me. I promised myself never again. I don’t wanna. It makes me wanna cry… I don’t know if the hypnosis would cure that but still….

  And I just want to be normal. Pretty much all aspects about my life, have been abnormal. My school, my health/eating disorder ( in the fact that normal people don’t have them), my relationship experience, my guilt factor, just a lot. I don’t know if hypnosis works but I’d be willing to try. I’m tired of abnormalities. 

  • 12:22 am
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