June 10, 2013

• I’d rather live in a Pineapple under the sea…

  I’m ready to have my own place. Well, my own place with Trey.I loved it when we had our apartment together and wish that’d never stopped.Since his roommate (who got the place with Trey about the time I entered the picture) didn’t like the idea of living with a married couple (we’d just gotten engaged ), Trey talked to the guy who owned the apartments and he was willing to let Trey out of the lease because of the situation. (I wasn’t officially on the lease and didn’t pay rent, that was going to change before TJ complained about us being engaged, so I wasn’t on lease or anything.)

  {I really don’t see what the big difference was between living with a boyfriend/girlfriend couple and a married couple  is/was, but whatever.}

  So Trey and I looked for an apartment we could get together and found one. We put a deposit down and it was supposed to be ours in mid-January.However, late November-early December Trey lost his job at the liquor store because the owner realized he couldn’t work there until he was 21 (and he was a few months away from 20). I was still working at Cajun’s and making good money,but he couldn’t let me pay the rent and utilities until he found a new job by myself so he ran by the place and got out of the lease and even got out deposit back.

  He moved in with his parents and I sort of tagged along. I’m not sure how it even happened, but I ended up living there too. I lived thereuntil a year ago (June 2012) when I got kicked out because… well, there was a lot of shit going on with me and it just had to happen.

  I’ve been at my parent’s house since. I hate it here. I but heads with my Mom. And I hate my oldest brother. He’s controlling and a freak.He tried to strangle me once (I think it was over something related to my eating disorder when I was 15 or so) and most of the freezer is taken up by his food so there’s barely room in it for anyone else to have frozen food, he has two shelves in the cabinet, the family food- I don’t feel as though I can really eat that. My Mom says I can have stuff that she makes but it’s already claimed really (she makes some for her and Connor and then what’s left is usually what Dad has for dinner so it’s not really available because I know other people are going to be expecting it later).

  I have bread, yogurt, bananas, and cereal that are mine. If there’s eggs I’ll eat that too, but my Mom always bitches about the smell.Turkey (like deli meat) I snack on when we have but there isn’t any right now.I get an apple or two a week. There’s mesquite chicken in the freezer but if I eat that I get complained at too sometimes. And that’s about it.

  When I’m at Trey’s, we have a rice cooker and we make steamed rice and cook chicken and do it up Asian-y or Indian style. We make eggs and potato hash and other shit. That’s another thing.. over there, I’m allowed to cook. My Mom bitches at me if I use her kitchen to cook anything.She’s a control freak too.

  I’m not allowed to cook, clean up after myself, I can’t do my own laundry, she cares more about her new floors that me (it feels like that at least sometimes). 

  She knows Connor smokes pot but doesn’t seem to give a shit.And it fucking pisses me off when I try to go to the bathroom and it stinks like a fucking blunt.

  I’m just tired of being here. Since Trey left, I’ve dropped maybe 5 lbs. Like, back in the school year I was between 120-124 lbs. Then after school got out, I lost a little bit more.. that was just eating less after I got over that horrible stomach bug. It was terrible and I couldn’t eat much for maybe three days after it (playing it safe to avoid upsetting my stomach more) and after that it felt like my stomach had shrunk some (though I realize it probably takes longer than even a week for it to shrink) but I wasn’t as hungry. Then I was sitting at 118 lbs or so… Then let’s see… Trey’s been gone for two weeks tomorrow.

  The day he left and maybe the next day or two, I barely ate because I felt depressed. (I think it was Tuesday-Thursday… tried eating more on Friday… idk.) Anyways, I’ve been trying harder to eat well and I’m not feeling as depressed (at least, not to the point where I’m just lying in bed crying depressed, still down though) but now there’s like nothing to eat!

  I weighed myself this morning and my house scale said 110(Which REALLY means, 113-114… it’s old and off by like 3 pounds- I’ve compared it to the scale at the gym and doctors.) Still, that’s not good. It’s not super horrible but it needs to stop and it needs to go up a few lbs.

  I’m just ready to have my own place with Trey… and that probably won’t happen until we’re out of school because if he goes to PA school, he’s not allowed to work when he’s in the program… unless he goes in through the army (which is a backup plan), in which case, we’d get married before he went, so I could live on base with him (it’d be in Houston, Texas).

  Mehhh..

  • 4:02 pm
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