June 19, 2013

• Updating!! *Feelings, counseling, & meds*

  Okay, so this will not probably be a long post, but I’m going to try to stay on track.

  I mentioned a little bit ago that my counselor, Amy, at school thought I might be bipolar. 

  She wasn’t certain, so she wanted me to meet with a LPC/APN (Tara) too, to get a second opinion. 

  Tara didn’t think I was bipolar, but she agreed something was up. They talked more after I left, and now Amy agrees bipolar doesn’t fit. 

  Tara did, however, think it’d be a good idea for me to go back on celexa (which I had started February 2012 [stopped taking for a little bit in June-July] and then was on it until mid-December 2012). When I stopped taking it last time, I was on 40mg; this time she would want to put me on 10mg. This was June 4th and I told her I would think about it. I really wanted to stay off of medication if possible. 

  Well, a week passed and I felt really down. I didn’t do any of the homework Amy had assigned for me either. I felt unmotivated to do it or anything really. Even work had felt more draining (as opposed to energizing and spirit-lifting like usual). Right before we were supposed to meet last week, something came up in the office, and Amy had to reschedule our session for the upcoming week. (I normally see her weekly.) So yesterday I saw her and she asked about the homework. I explained why I hadn’t done it the first week and offered that I did do the feeling check in the second week, despite still feeling really depressed and lethargic. 

  She said she thought it was a good idea for me to go back on celexa too. 

  I sort of wanted to so I’d feel better, but I also thought I’d feel better once Trey got back (not only because Trey would be back and he’s a big part of my happiness, but because I’d be out of my house more. I don’t like being stuck at my house so much). 

  I came home and skyped Trey for almost 2 and a half hours, which normally would make me super happy! [Actually, we instant messaged via skype because the calls keep getting dropped because of A) he has a crappy internet connection, B) his tablet, or C) Skype is sucking.] Anyways, the whole time I still felt really sad and would cry a little bit for no apparent reason. 

  After that I e-mailed Amy and told her I would go ahead and get back on it.. Though I didn’t know if I needed to tell her or Tara. I didn’t hear from her that day and around 9pm I just… I felt so empty. 

  I wasn’t suicidal, like in the sense I wanted to do something to hurt or kill myself, but I had that feeling of just wanting the sadness and the pain to ceased. The fact that I was feeling that and I didn’t have a specific cause for the feelings- nothing bad or depressing had happened- made me realize I definitely needed to start on the celexa again. 

  I went ahead and e-mail Tara too and she got back to me this morning asking where she should call the prescription in to. She responded back just recently and said she would have it called in tomorrow. 

  Also, Amy mentioned the possibility of me having “Impulse Control Disorder” NOS. She explained it, but rather than me trying to repeat that I’ll just give a link…. http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Impulse-control-disorders.html … I looked over a couple different google results and this site seemed the clearest and most helpful. It definitely sounds like it could fit me. NOS if you don’t know means “not otherwise specified” meaning, I don’t fit exactly into a specific category, but I have bits in pieces of lots of them. 

  With bipolar, I have the ups and downs and the flightiness a little; with borderline personality disorder- she can see some of the symptoms, but not enough to declare me BPD… so I don’t. I kind of feel like an Easter basket full of problems. 

  Anyways, I should go to bed now. I plan to get up at 6:30am, go to the gym, get a good work out in, then shower off and have breakfast before I work 10-2pm. Then I’ll try to talk with Trey (since 2pm here is 9pm there) before he goes to bed, and then I’ll probably try to get my medicine. 

  Tomorrow also will be 9 days until he’s back! Finally, in to the single digits.

  • 10:33 pm
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