Tuesday morning Trey woke up with his stomach really bugging him. Apparently it felt like he'd swallowed a rock and it was on fire in his belly. He had friends over from the night before, and we'd all ate pizza and they'd all drank some. Trey's not usually hung over, so he thought perhaps he had a stomach ulcer and the drinking had worsened it.

Just a little after his friends left, my sister arrived to pick me up to go shopping because she wanted to hang out. I felt bad about leaving him while he was still in a shit ton of pain, but I wasn't going to bail on Erin since she'd driven all the way out here to pick me up.

I texted Trey a few times while out to check on him but didn't get any response, so I texted his Dad to see if he'd heard from him. Trey had driven himself to the ER because it'd only gotten worse and they couldn't get a normal doctors appointment anytime soon.

While I was on my side of town Erin had gotten called into work, meaning I was dropped at my Moms house and had to wait for Sean, the older/bum brother, to get back with Moms car. Once he finally did (took friggin' forever!) she drove me over here. On the way over my tummy didn't feel one hundred percent, but I accumulated it to some news I'd heard from Erin about work and the fact that I'd just drank some of my Moms keurig starbucks coffee, which has left me feeling a little not well in the past. When I got home I nommed on a little cereal then laid with Trey, who'd finally arrived back home.

At one point I got up to pee and wound up getting sick twice in the bathroom. I didn't want to steal attention from Trey, who was definitely in a lot worse shape than me so I just laid down next to him again, face first, hoping it wouldn't happen again.

Maybe ten minutes later I had to bolt up from the couch and dash to the bathroom again. :/

This time it was obvious. Apparently whatever stomach bug/flu Trey had contracted, he'd shared with me.

We both got to spend Tuesday night feeling absolutely miserable and I wound up getting really dehydrated because I threw up a lot and didn't want to drink anything 'cause I felt like shit. Thankfully my sister was sweet enough to work for my Wednesday night, because I felt like crap all day.

For the most part I'm feeling better today and Trey is too. We got to be sick buddies together... I guess if I have to be sick with anyone he'd be my first choice lol.

He joked "in sickness and in health, right?" and I replied "what's yours is mine"

[If I wasn't feeling so scatterbrained this would've flowed better.]

***updated***

I wound up throwing up two more times this morning.  I think it was due to drinking coffee... that probably wasn't the smart idea on a recovering stomach.

I like how I continue to get emails from Christian Single Mingle.

I'm practically a married woman now. 

Don't they know polgamy is not very Christian like?

Around mid-November this chick "Taylor Culwell" tried to friend me on facebook. I asked myself aloud "Who the crap is Taylor Culwell?" Trey heard me and told me all about "Taylor."

"Taylor Cuwell" is actually Amber or Ashley (I can't remember which), an ex of Treys. Well, barely an ex. He dated her for a week then discovered she was an absolute psycho, therefore, he broke up with her and told her she needed to leave him alone (because she kept reappearing at his house).

"Taylor" first appeared when this Amber/Ashley girl decided to try to ruin a former relationship of Trey's by messaging his girlfriend of that time and trying to turn them against each other. You know, pathetic psycho stuff.

Well... today I was on facebook and discovered two messages I'd received from a Taylor Culwell on November 24th and 27th. They both read:

"Hello
I'm not sure how to put this, and it would have probably been better if I let it go. Please don't be mad at me becuase I had no idea he was with someone. I had sex with what I hope was only your boyfriend at the time. Like a week or two ago.

Wow, this sucks. He has a kind of hairy chest and a red and black tattoo on his arm with arrows pointing out, so if it's a different trey s******, thank god. It was only when I looked him up that I see he was engaged. In his defense he does like to drink.
Ive been talking to my gfs and it was either forget about it or let you know, so I thought if he did that to me, I would want to know.

good luck and sorry :/ "

All righty then....

First off. LOLZ!

Trey and I both got a good laugh out of this.

Crazy bitch doesn't even know her facts.

• Trey and I live together.
• When Trey drinks, he wants to play video games and dance to techno.
• Sober or not, I'm the only girl Trey would ever want to have sex with.
• Unlike most guys, Trey has to have an emotional attachment and love for a girl to want to be with someone like that.
• When Trey does occasionally drinks, there aren't other girls there.
• A week or two after that happened... I would've been in the room with him. And I KNOW for a fact no threesome went down.

So, I responded with this...

"Nice try bitch.
We live together. If that had really gone done in the time line you gave, I would've been there.
I also know for a fact that he would never do that.
How about you do yourself a favor and stop making a fool out of yourself. You're only making yourself look pathetic and psychotic."

I could've gone off about so much more, but she's not worth the time.

I'll admit Trey and I haven't known each other for a super long time, but if I'm going to become engaged to someone, especially after such a short time, you better fucking believe I'm going to know the person well enough.

I know Trey, and he's loyal as all get out. He loves me and I love him.

Oh, and I love your morals. Apparently having sex with someones boyfriend is perfectly fine, it's not until they're engaged that it's crossing a line.

I'd like to dedicate this to Allison (@hopethatitglows)

Recovery... it's fucking hard.

But it's worth it.

It's going to be scary as fucking hell.

And you're going to have to put yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes, but it's necessary.

You only have one life to live.

And if you waste this one or end it, there's not turning back.

(No doing that)

Recovery is your second chance in life.

While you won't get another life to make things better in, you do have the ability to turn this one around.

Because going through life miserable isn't worth it.

When it comes done to it, it's pointless. We have so much more important stuff we could be spending that energy on.

I'd recommend getting rid of the scale, or at least not stepping on it.

Your weight is going to go up some.

And I know it's going to be scary and seem like a huge amount and that you think you'll end up looking like a whale.

BUT it's not the case.

Chances are you'll end up looking better.

You'll most likely end up having a REAL smile on your face a lot more often.

Instead of having to fake being happy and okay all the time.

Your mood improves tremendously.

Clearly not all depression is caused from eating disorders,
but having an eating disorder can definitely bring on or worsen depression.

You might even start seeing the world as a brighter place.

You don't have to quit exercising completely,
but if you do it obsessively or to an extreme,
you will probably need to cut back and get that to a healthy amount.

Think on the bright side...

With all the time you won't be spending on excessive exercising, counting calories, stressing over food, worry about your body, hiding food you "ate", binging and purging, or whatever it may be..

You can discover new interests, new people, notice the little things in life you might normally over look, be creative, spend time with loved ones, focus on your studies or just read for fun, and the list goes on.

You can take silly pictures without feeling uber self-conscious in front of the camera.

You actually have energy to do fun things!

(That's a really bad picture but I was showing off my muscles )

You actually start to see things differently...

Instead of focusing on the scary amount of calories and fat in this dessert you can see the amusement of the figurines (and the yumminess beneath it )

It might not seem like something you'd want now, but you'll be able to eat lots of yummy foods that used to give you panic attack at the mere thought of eating.

(Because obviously it taste better when it's purple!)

Plus you can drink your starbucks drinks without having to worry about knowing the precise calories contents in it and not feel guilty

Now... you are going to gain weight. It's just part of the package.

But here's a little secret.

Despite what you may think...

You actually wind up looking a HELL OF A LOT better...

Oh...

And the very best part?

You get to tell your eating disorder to FUCK OFF!

Your life may feel like it's ruled by ED right now, but it's not permanent.

You can recover.

And trust me, you have so much in life to recover for.

It's worth it.

Oh yeah, and I have a little secret for you...

From my lowest weight
I have gained around 20-25 pounds.

And I look pretty good now,

You know... if I do say so myself

 Darlin', don't know you

You'd be so much happier

if only you spent a little more time laughing

and having fun with friends,

instead of bashing your body and analyzing every bite?

Maybe we'd all be a little happier, if we stopped worrying about losing weight

& we spent more time gaining memories with loved ones.

Eating disorders aren't worth the time or the tears.

Life is precious and recovery... it's so worth it.

Besides...

Having a real smile on your face, is SO much better than having a fake one on all the time.

Plus, if you've spending all your time stressing about your weight/intake/out take/eating disorder... you might miss something really wonderful, right in front of you.

Mini update!

Tuesday was my first official day of Christmas break! Not to mention the only real day of break I have since starting yesterday I'll be doubling my time at work until school starts again, but oh well. Back on topic.

Josh, Trey's best friend, came over around eleven to help him bottle his brew -side note: Trey knows how to and really enjoys brewing beer... he's German , anyways- and after that we headed up to the base so he could fill his truck up at the gas station up there and so he could get his hair cut.
Right before he went in for his hair cut, his phone rang. It was someone from his unit calling about the summer. It wasn't hard for me to figure out what was going on even just through the one side of the conversation I could here....

Trey is most likely going to Vietnam this summer...

He's stoked about it.
I, on the other hand, am not quiet as excited.

Apparently it's some sort of joint mission with the navy. Allegedly a 60 day mission, but then again, Trey's told me on different occasions that they always underestimate missions and people wind up being on them a lot longer than planned.

I had to sit there the whole time he was getting his car cut and force the tears from flowing over.

He's so excited. I can't let him know I'm not, I don't want him to know... that I'm scared.

I texted my Mom and told her and told her I was scared for him and she replied "duh"... thanks Mom. She also said, "That's just part of being with someone who's in the military". Once again... Not helpful.

<We'll still be getting married, but most likely postponing the honey moon, by the way.>

I realize this kind of stuff comes with being engaged (and at that point, married) to someone in the military. Duh! I'm not ignorant. It still doesn't make it any easier. He has my heart completely. 100%.

If something were to happen to him... I can't even think that.

Honestly, I'd almost hope my parents would lock me up in a mental institute if something like that were to happen, because I know I couldn't handle it.

He's my world- my everything. I love him more than anything.

The way he makes me laugh...

The way he holds me..

He respects me and my boundaries and would never do anything to ever push himself on me. My being comfortable is a big priority to him.

He tells me I'm beautiful and that I'm perfect just the way I am.

He loves me unconditionally.

He makes me feel beautiful, even when I'm not wearing any make up.

He's unlike any guy I ever even imagined existed.

He doesn't judge me for my past nor present.

He knows my scars and how they got there, and he doesn't care. All that matters to him is that he's there to make sure I never feel the need to create another one on myself ever again.

Waking up in his arms and getting to just stare into his eyes in the morning is the best thing in the world.

Falling asleep in his arms, embraced by his warmth and love... it's incredible.

I guess it'll just be one of those "you don't know how strong you are, until you have no other choice than to be strong" moments.

So almost a month ago, I totaled my car... badly!

While my sternum still hurts from that

*just remembered something!*

I went to see a physical therapist Friday for a one time thing and guess what. Apparently, I also tore some of the tendons and ligaments that attach my ribs to my sternum. It explains all the pain I've been in and promises another three months of pain... yay -.- I've also been sneezing like crazy. Like 20-25 times a day. It literally goes "Ah-ah-achoo OWW!" Making me sounds really weird and stupid.

Back to my point. After having my wreck, my car had to be towed. I called to check on it and see if there was anything I needed to do a few days later and they gave me the impression to take my time, my car was there, and whenever I found a place to sell it to or have it towed to I could do that. No rush. Take my time.

What they failed to tell me was that there was this "tiny" storage fee accumilating everyday day my car was in there junk yard. It wasn't until ten days after it'd been there that they sent me a letter telling me this. When I discovered this I was livid. Unfortunately the letter came to my parents house Friday while I was at work and no one told me about it Saturday so when I discovered it Sunday morning I had to wait until Monday morning to call the people.

I called the people and asked about it as soon as they opened that Monday. I told the lady I hadn't been informed of any storage fee and hadn't signed anything and thought it didn't sound right for them to charge me an undeclared fee. The lady who answered the phone got snooty with me. Started copping an attitude and talking down to me. Commented "Obviously you got in a wreck-" which I had to interrupt with "No duh! I totaled my car I hit a tree head on at great speed!" Oh and she also had the balls to call me uneducated .    

I should said, "Oh really? I'm uneducated?! YOU ma'am are a secretary at a rinky dink tow shop! I have a close to 4.0 GPA and I'm going to college to be in the medical field. I'm uneducated?!"

Long story short... I went off on her! I mean I was so freakin' angry. I probably scared Trey and I was so mad I was shaking. Literally shaking. After getting off the phone with her I called my Dad and told him I was going to need a lawyer or attorney because I wasn't paying those storage fees.

After my parents dealt with some attorneys, lawyers, car peoples, legislative people, etc. we discovered apparently as RIDICULOUS as it is, legally they can charge you a fee without telling you about it, having you sign anything, or even informing you of it when you call, and give you the impression everything is hunky dory.

My Mom's working on getting that law changed because that is NOT right. I don't care if it's legal. That's bull hockey.

That letter they sent me told me they could charge the storage fee for 45 days then my car hunk of metal would be theirs to do whatever they pleased with. Meaning they would sell it for scrap metal at an auction and put that towards my outrageous bill and make me pay the rest.

My bill would've probably ended up being around $2,200-$2,300

My Mom, Dad, and Mr. Red (car person my Dad knows) apparently have been calling these people a lot to talk to them about trying to work something out. When my Mom called Monday, my bill was approximately $1,500.

Thanks to my wonderful mother, the guy said he was tired of having to deal with all of us and if I just paid the towing fee and gave them the title, they wouldn't worry about the other fees.

FUCK YES!

Total bill = $235.37

Approximately $2,000 less than it would've been. HELLS YES!

I'm a happy camper!

First off, in order for this to make sense, you should watch this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvw0KdwoEw8

No worries, the link is safe and the video's only 2:45 so it isn't super long.

"It's funny how much regret can be brought on by such simple memories."

I just came across that on facebook and wow. Holy crap, that makes me miss cheerleading so much.

Not only does it make me miss cheering.. it makes me regret wasting so many of my years I could've been cheering on my eating disorder.

My eating disorder took over my life.

It made me too weak to cheer.

It made itself the most important aspect of my life so I didn't care about cheer.

It became my existence.

I've taken my life back now...

and despite my last post, I really am happy with my life.

I was an amazing cheerleader. I tumbled like crazy! I had a front walk over into double full. (Youtube double full and you'll see what I'm talking about. DO IT.) I was and still am flexible as all get out and I'm little, meaning I was a good flyer. The only thing that hindered my flying potential was when I got sick. Starving= loosing muscle mass= loosing the ability to squeeze those muscles and stay tight in the air.

I can't go back and change that. The past is set and there's nothing we can do about it. I can use that as fuel to continue to eat well in my future though. I will never let my eating disorder take something so precious away from me.

I am strong.

I have worth.

I have something to live for.

I am loved.

I have recovered and I plan to stay that way.

For those who read my rant about my sister... she ended up apologizing to me Friday night before I was dropped with Trey's Dad to be taken back to their house. I accepted her apology and we're good now.

I really want to have a melt down though. I almost did yesterday. I went to the bathroom during sociology and wound up just sitting in the floor for a good fifteen minutes just letting my mind rush around and crying a little.

So what's wrong?

-My nose (and the roots of my front two teeth) feel like they got donkey kicked. & A) I don't have my pain meds. with me and B) I don't want to take them because they make me 1) sleepy, 2) out of it, and 3) unable to concentrate. I mean, I'm taking two hydrocodine/oxycotin tablets every time I choose to take my meds... that's a lot of drugs.

-My sternum, spine, and clavicle/scapulae/shoulder area all still hurt. It still hurts to laugh or sleep in certain positions. I have a physical therapy appointment Friday morning, but I'm probably only going to be able to go to the first appointment because I have a free coupon. After that, I'll find out my insurance won't cover most of it and I won't be able to afford it.

-Speaking of my sternum... I don't have a car because I totaled mine. Not only did I ram my fairly new (to me) car into a tree, I now have to rely on bumming rides off of other people and I have to make sure I schedule stuff not just so that it fits into my schedule but also into whoever I'm burdening's schedule.

-That car I totaled. It's still in the tow dump, accumilating a ridiculous high storage fee which I refuse to pay. My total is already near a grand and I don't know what to do about it. My parents are looking into talking to attorneys but I don't know what's happening or going to happen.

-Anatomy and Physiology is stressing me out! I have to pass that class (nothing less than a B) for my major and in order to be able to enroll in AP2 next semester like I was planning on. I took the exam today for lab and the final exam for lecture is the 12th. I could pull my grade up to a A if I got 100s on both exams, but that's not likely. I'm also worried about my scholarship and hours and GPA and everything. I can't loose my scholarship. (I'm talking to my advisor tomorrow morning but I doubt it'll help... she never seems very helpful...)

-I need to find a gynecologist. I've actually never seen one before so I figure I need to start on that, plus I'm going to need to figure out a form of birthcontrol for the near future obviously.

-Not going into specifics but I have some extra stress that relationships bring. Not anything major or anything like a deal breaker- no worries, just some stress.

-I've been having a lot of thoughts and shit about Richard. I don't like expressing them to Trey because I don't want him to think I'm not okay or that he's triggering the thoughts.. he's not. It's just, it's really weighing down on me. I also had some bad dreams about him a couple weeks ago. I really wish I'd never met that bastard. I wish I could say I am 100% okay, but I guess I'm not. It makes me weak that I can't just forget about my past and say it doesn't matter and just not let it affect me.

-I've lost all my coping mechanisms right now. I used to have really bad ways of coping... starving or cutting. But that's a used to. I replaced that with running. When something in my life is going really wrong or I'm worried or stressed or upset, I just run away from my problems. I can't do that now. My nose kind of hinders me from running for a bit and it sucks. I actually ran 3/4 of a mile yesterday, despite my better judgement... I really needed to though. It helped a little.. it also hurt like hell. I guess I paid for my stupidity.
>Truth be told... I've had the urge to cut a few times recently. Looking when I look down at my wrist I see my tattoo and I know I can't do that. Hell, forget the tattoo, I can't do that to Trey. No, no, no. I couldn't do that do him.

-He's also stressing because he probably isn't getting his pay from the military from school for some reason? And his boss called him today and wanted to talk to him, so he has to do that after school and he's freaking out because he preparing for the worst- which would be getting fired. If that were to happen we wouldn't be able to afford this apartment we were planning to move into in like two weeks. We've already put money down on it too. Plus if the military doesn't pay for his school he's barely going to be able to afford it and he'll be back in with his parents. If he can't afford school he'll have to work full time if we were trying to afford the apartment. And a whole bunch of financial crap.

-Plus finals are upon us. I have my algebra final exam on the 6th (at 4pm, which is freakin' late), I have my history and sociology test on the 8th, and my AP1 lecture final on the 12th.

I'm just overwhelmed and I really need a good melt down

This was suppose to be a short list of issues, but it turned long when I went into ranty-detail about specifics.

I'd been texting my Dad and sister through out the day because we were trying to set up a time for me and Erin to get together. At first it was lunch or coffee and she picked coffee. We had to wait until my Dad had time to pick me up from Sherwood and bring me and Erin together because I don't have a car and her's is in Fayetteville because she road down to Little Rock with someone.

She kept on complaining that I should just have Trey drive me to get her or meet up somewhere, but I wouldn't ask him. He isn't my chauffeur. She rebuttled "And Dad is? You don't even live there anymore." I was like but I impose on Trey all the time. He has to drive me to and from school everyday and to work, then his Dad has to drive me from work. Dad's driven me over here twice and picked me up from work once. She then said "You're getting married, he has to get use to you depending on him" At which point I changed topics because my mind was set. "Coffee or lunch?" She picked coffee and I told her I'd let her know when Dad was on his way to get me.

While we were at the liquor store, my Dad called and said he was leaving Little Rock headed my way. We finished up at the liquor store, dropped by the mall to pick up my engagement ring because it was ready (we had to get it sized.. it's still slightly loose, but I don't want it super tight, and besides, I'm still partially dehydrated), then headed to the house. My Dad got there just as we did.

I texted Erin to tell her we were on the way and she said she was going to talk to Cajun's... (She was trying to get a job there cocktailing). I asked if she wanted us to meet her there and she said she didn't know if they were just talking or if she'd be training today. That pissed me off. I'd already been out and about more than I wanted to be and I was tired and if I'd just been dragged out to Cajun's for no reason, I was going to be pissed. Erin does stuff like this all the time. She's so self-centered.

Once I got there I had to wait for her about 30 minutes, so I just hung out in the kitchen halfway asleep against a wall... at least the servers got some amusement out of me probably.

We then went to starbucks were my Dad dropped us and told us to call when we were ready, well ten minutes prior so he could be there. She had wanted to do dinner instead of coffee, but only if I was paying. A month of two ago I was trying to get her down here earlier than Thanksgiving so I could show her my tattoo and offered to buy her dinner if she came down. I guess she didn't realize that pertained to that specific time range. Plus, work has been slow recently and I just totalled my car two weeks ago. I said I'd buy her coffee, but I couldn't buy dinner.

After buying our coffee and sitting down she practically began bombarding me with bullshit. She called me financially irresponsible for not being able to wait six months for my nose when I'd be on Trey's insurance. But that's not his responsibility. Yes, he's in the army and has tri-care or some good insurance shit, but he shouldn't have to pay for my nose. It got fucked up when I was 13 and my Mom promised to take care of it once I was out of cheer. I'm out of cheer now! She never said, once you're married to someone who has insurance. That's bullshit. Plus, I'm NOT a gold digger! I don't look at Trey like a bag of money. That's just stupid. He's a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, he's not just merely transportation or insurance. She also bitched that Trey should've had to come pick me up from my house after the surgery, but once again, Mom had promised she would take me over there. It wasn't his responsibility to come pick me up because my Mom had given her word on that.

I tried changing the subject to who all was coming to Thanksgiving lunch tomorrow and she brought it right back to criticizing my engagement and saying we're too young and immature to get married. I sat there and listened to her out of respect for a few minutes, but then I'd had it. I texted my Dad "I'm done" and then told her I wasn't putting up with this shit. I got up from the table and walked outside to wait for my Dad.

When he got there I silently got in the car then Erin did like a minute later and he drove me to Treys parents house again. I'm so pissed off at my sister.

She doesn't have to be excited for my marriage, but if she doesn't support it, she can just keep her opinion to herself. I want her to be my maid of honor but if everytime we talk she's just going to attack me, it won't happen.

Plus, does she not think I don't need this kind of stress right after my surgery. I'm exhausted and hurting and it's stupid. I mean, I went home and cried because I was in so much pain and so frustrated. I'm not too thrilled with my parents either. Apparently my Mom's been saying some shit behind my back.

Oh, and another good thing about the surgery. I was actually healthy enough to do it! When they took my heartrate it was 64 bpm. That's a healthy rate. Two-three-four years ago, that would've been in the forties. I'm healthy now. Why don't they give a fuck?

Blah, I'm exhausted and I'm probably going to go crash. I've slept most of the last two days away, but I'm going to go sleep some more.