Even without any make up, I now feel like the most beautiful girl in the world!

Thank God for my boyfriend. He brings out the best in me.

I am the luckiest girl in the world, just sayin'.

            When I was only around 3 years old, I already had really long hair. Heck, I was even born with a lot of hair. I loved having my hair done when I was younger. My Mom would sit down on the couch and have me sit in the floor so she could do all different things with it. There were so many different possibilities. She could put it up with all kinds of different, colorful barrettes. She could use pretty head bands. She could braid it. Or she could put it up in high or low pig tails. Pig tails were my favorite because they made me feel extra cute.

            I'm sure most parents of three year olds know you have to be pretty careful when giving them gum. If you're not careful they'll swallow it or get it stuck to their clothes or the furniture. This is one to the reasons my Mom rarely ever gave us gum. I'm guessing parents could also imagine raising four children, practically by yourself, isn't the easiest thing to do. You most likely will always have someone calling your name, wanting your attention, or getting into things they shouldn't be into.

            My family didn’t have cable when I was growing up. However, my Mom would spoil us by buying lots of movies. If it was Disney, we probably owned it. One afternoon, I wanted to watch the Flinstones. She put it on, and I went to one of my favorite spots to watch television. My parents would tease me about it because it looked odd and uncomfortable, but I use to love lying on my back, right in front of the entertainment center and watch movies. Earlier that day, I’d helped put away all the toys that had been spread out throughout the house. My Mom rewarded me by letting me have some gum as a treat. I'd actually been trying to master blowing a bubble for quite a while, but I hadn't quite figured out the techniques. Actually, I was no where near it. I had yet to learn that you needed to flatten the gum out before attempting to form a bubble.

            As I laid there watching the Flinstones, I kept trying to make a bubble. I'd been working at it for what felt like forever, but I was determined and wasn't giving up. I tried my hardest and blew, but no bubble was to be seen. Come to think of it, there wasn't any gum to be found either. Confused, I looked around on the floor then on my clothes, but couldn't find it. It had to have gone somewhere. After searching for a few minutes, I found it... in my hair.

            It was just slightly below my ear. I tried pulling it out but it wouldn’t budge. The more I tried the more entangled it became. Fear began to sink in. I knew my Mom would be upset with me. What was there to do? How could I get rid of this? Then a light bulb went off. I don't know why I didn't think of this before; I had the perfect solution. I went into the school room and grabbed the safety handled scissors. I went to the nearest bathroom, where no one would see me. Grabbed a big chunk of hair from the left side and snipped it off. All better now. The only thing left to do was hide the evidence. Because this bathroom was only a half-bath, it didn't have a trash can in it. Thus, I put it in the best place I could think of... right along the base of the toilet and the sink countertop.

            Feeling a bit of relief, I went to my room to avoid unwanted attention. I began to play with my Barbie’s and my worries drifted away, until my Mom called my name. I knew then that I had done something wrong. I sheepishly shuffled to the dining room where my Mom was. Apparently, Sean and Erin had found the hair and shown it to my Mom. They also pointed out the scissors which were still lying on the countertop. What can I say; I wasn't the sneakiest kid around. To my surprise, my Mom wasn't mad at me like I imagined she would be, but I could still tell she was upset. She told me I should've come to her and she could have gotten it out with ice or peanut butter, instead of having to cut it out. I knew I’d messed up my hair and I felt horrible about it. I knew my Mom enjoyed playing with my hair, as much as I loved having it played with. It only got worse when she told me she'd have to cut the other side as well to even it out. Later the next week, after changing into my leotard for gymnastics, I wanted my Mom to put my hair in pigtails. It upset me immensely to find out that this time she couldn't do that though. My hair was too short.

            That was probably the first time I can remember having to face the consequences of my actions. By not asking for help and trying to fix things on my own, I'd temporarily lost the ability to wear my hair different styles and have my hair played with. The incident taught me not to make hasty decisions and some mistakes cannot be undone. It's not the way I would've preferred to learn that lesson, but it's how it happened. At least hair grows back.

So, I'm being lazy and using my journaling entry for comp as an update... sorry?

How am I feeling now? In pain! I just kicked the underside of my desk with my toes and it really hurt! I'm extremely challenged when it comes to coordination. On to what I was going to say though.

I'm really ready for today to be over with. It's not been a terrible day, by any means. I'm just so eager for tomorrow. I get to hang out with Trey all day and we're going to climb pinnacle mountain then probably figure something else out to do after that. As for today, I went to walmart- while hungry which wasn't the smartest idea. I ended up buying cookie dough, vanilla wafers, cinnamon rolls, and strawberry milk. All of which I wouldn't have bought probably if I wasn't so hungry, hehe. Oh well, it'll get eaten eventually. I also got some really pretty smelling shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. Oh, and I got something I'll need for Monday!

Once I got home I got on the internet and bought tickets to Trans-Siberian Orchestra this December. I've never been before, but I've wanted to for the last four years. Besides, Trey mentioned how he liked them too, so I checked with him to make sure he didn't have any plans for that day, then I bought them. He has no idea! All he knows is that he's suppose to save that date for a surprise! Gahh, I'm so excited!

I only have about an hour before I need to leave for work. I'm not looking forward to that. A lot of people are going to be in Fayetteville, so we'll be slow. If Cajun's does get any business, it'll probably be the bar, which is great for them, but it sure doesn't help me out any. At least I should be out around ten tonight, instead of eleven like last night. I should probably get some reading in for history, since I'm sure that won't happen tomorrow.

Thank you walmart bakery department, for giving me a good laugh this morning!

Earlier today on the way to history, as I walked by the student union I caught a glimpse of someone. I thought to myself, no it couldn't be. Curiousity got the best of me, I went down that way and as I passed the writing center, it was confirmed. It was Richard, my ex. I ran across him last Thursday as I was leaving the library for sociology. He didn't say anything to me, but we made direct eye contact and it set fear into me like no one should be able to do. I felt scared and sick. If I didn't have a class to go to right then I probably would have lost it and had a break down. It left me feeling paranoid. However, this time I didn't feel any of that. I walked right passed him, while still avoiding eye contact. I don't want him to have that kind of power over me. I am so much better off without him. Especially considering how I was in such terrible shape when he last saw me. Now, I am healthy, strong, and happy, while he still looks sloppy and miserable. It sounds horrible, but that kind of makes me a little happy. He completely broke me down. He ruined my health, my confidence, several years of my teenage years. He really fucked with my mind. Once he was done using me, he left me for death practically. Sorry if that sounds a little dramatic, but it's how I feel. I have spent a lot of time and energy building myself back up. I am truly beginning to realize my worth now. I know I am smart, talented, beautiful, worthy, loving, creative, and worth being respected. I wouldn't say I look forward to running into him again on campus, but if I do I'm not going to hide my head and avoid eye contact. I will hold my head up high and show my confidence I now have. I'm not letting him have control over me anymore, he's had enough of that.

Yesterday was amazing! After meeting up with Trey when he got out of his last class, we went to Pei Wei. The food was great and I had a really good time. After that we went to my house and I showed him around the creek behind my house. We probably traveled a mile at the least. The farther north we went, the more different things had gotten. I never realized how many trees had been knocked down and uprooted from the tornados last spring. I ended up falling into the water while hanging upside down from a tree trying to retrieve my flip flop after it had floated under a tree. That part was sort of funny. We finally found University and walked the way back.

After getting home, Trey hung out with my Mom for a few minutes while I showered off. Then we chilled with my Mom for a few more minutes before heading out. We picked Super Bad from some video rental place in Sherwood then went to his house. I hung with his sister while he showered off then we watched the movie. It was good, though a little.. errm, inappropriate, perhaps? He kept apologizing because he didn't remember it being so offensive, nor having so many penis and boob jokes. It was sort of amusing. After that we listened to music, talked, and cuddled. We ended up falling asleep on his futon, but I didn't mind. It was so comfy and nice. My Mom was kind of worried about me just because of stuff that happened in my last relationship, but I talked with her later and she's fine now.

Once we were more awake, Trey and I went to ihop for breakfast. Maybe I'm weird, but I'd never eaten at ihop before, so it was a new experience. I got strawberry and banana pancakes and they were so good. Trey then dropped me off at my house and managed to get to his class with two minutes to spare. I'm glad he wasn't late at my expense.

After talking with my Mom and kind of comforting her fears I washed my face, changed clothes, brushed my teeth, and brushed my hair. With my backpack reloaded for the day I headed back to school. History took forever, but it normally does just from the anticipation of comp. On the way from history I stubbed my toe really badly and made it bleed. Worse than that it freakin' hurt! Even though comp was Trey's last class of the day, he hung out with me until it was time for sociology because we got out early from comp.

Sociology was boring like usual. Plus, the professor ticked me off pretty badly with her stupid comments about how Obama's a freakin' angel and everything that is wrong with our country and economy was due to the Bush administrations. I wanted to be like "What the f**k?! Were you not around for the Clinton administration?" Gahh, sorry. It just aggravates me. Just like when she claimed that the reason we're in the economic situation we're in now is all because of the selfish republicans. I can't even come up with words to describe it. I'll just be so happy once I'm out of her class at the end of the semester.

Since I've gotten home my day has consisted of studying for my anatomy and physiology exam tomorrow. I wonder what the difference in test and exam is? Hmm...

Anyways, now I'm just procrastinating so I better get back to study my lecture notes. Boo.

Depending on how long you have been falling me, you probably know my life hasn't always been the easiest.

I've gone through a lot of shit..

had some pretty rough patches..

been used and abused..

almost lost my life to anorexia..

suffered through some rough self harming..

almost lost my life from suicide..

felt ugly, fat, and worthless..

and over all just been miserable..

I am happy to declare to you all that I am now

clean from self harming and have been for approximately 6 months..

recovered from my eating disorder..

no longer overwhelmed with guilt from the shit I went through with my ex..

able to realize how beautiful I really am..

able to realize my worth..

and happy as a fucking clam!

My life is coming together and it's truly amazing. I've transformed from this destructive, unhappy girl to feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.

Life is good.

& it's totally worth it.

So Sunday evening after getting home from spending the day with Trey, I found out Connor had gotten mugged.

Apparently walking home from a concert, two guys (who he thinks were drunk) slugged him in the face and took his money.

He had it posted as a status on facebook and this dick started making fun of him.

Alec ... Hahahahaha...that's halariouusss