May 27, 2013
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This isn’t normal :/
I’m usually pretty cheerful. Sometimes, though, something little can set me up. It’s not usually something major, just something that really seems to frustrate me (it sometimes even makes no sense to me) and i focus on it too much. I get upset and basically explode. I’m angry and hurt and I don’t agree with the situation. I throw the equilvalence of a two-year-old tantrum. (Last night, I legitimately stopped me feet and stomped around…) I can’t handle it anymore and everything seems unbearable.
Then I realize how miserable I make people and how much of a burden I am. Then, regardless of the fact that I love them, I insist they leave me because I’m a burden, I don’t make them happy, I’m not worth the trouble, I don’t deserve love and attention. Besides, by staying with me they just make me obligated to live and be okay.I have thoughts… I want to bang my head into the wall as hard as I can, or hit my fist and feet against it. I want to bang my head or fist into a mirror. Throw a glass or bottle, or better yet, bang it against something while it’s still in my hands so it’ll hopefully cut me too when it breaks. I want to take a bunch of pills, or cut myself. I want to drive recklessly. I want to hit the person I’m around in hopes of provoking them to hit me back. Occasionally, I picture myself grabbing one of Trey’s guns- I’d have to be careful because only a few are even loaded now.In moments like these, where I’m tired or existing, tired or be a burden, tired of it all, I have all these destructive urges.Earlier today, over something so unimportant and little, there was a big blow up. Lots of crying and bawling, wishing to bang my head against the wall until… I don’t know-probably until Trey stopped me. Wanting to cut flashed into my mind for a second, as well as taking pills. I was just tired of being a burden. Tired of dealing with life. There was lots of screaming. Lots of tears and snot on my part.I even shoved at Trey in hopes of getting him to do something back but he refuses to ever put a hand on me.He wants me to get professional help while he’s in Germany…Idk… I suppose I should mention some of this to my counselor Thursday. :/This isn’t normal
Comments (9)
I went to professional counseling when I was 40 and it helped a great deal. I went 3 other times for short periods of time and it helped.
I hope you find the help that I did.
hugs
frank
I have these moments sometimes. I go from feeling nothing, to feeling so much negative emotion that I lose control. I almost don’t know what I am doing, like an out of body experience or something. It is truly terrifying. If you can, get some help. Talk to a professional about what could cause this and if there is something to help. Take care, please. I love you, dear. <3
Reilly, I agree with @HUMOR_ME_NOW and @BREATHE_THINK_BE_THIN. Perhaps professional help could be of some assistance. Maybe they can give you tools to help deal with these emotions. Some of the things you said about being worthy sound pretty deep rooted. Good luck moving forward. Take care.
Talking to someone would be the best choice of action. The last think you want to do is allow the destructive thought pattern to spiral into a full blown melt down and cause harm for yourself. I’m always here If you need to talk, can’t promise my advice or words of wisdom will be as good as a professional though
Demons from our past are still haunting you. That dude did a number on u and the hurt still remains. U need to tell our counselor and rebuilt or self worth.
If u want to feel important, start by helping others. Strange concept but it works.
I have to go to my group therapy so I don’t gave time… I’ll text you later, okay? I have some things to offer/share.
I’ve been there. I’ve been there so many times before. I was lucky enough to be able to pull mysel out of it but I still get more angry than I should sometimes. It’s hard. You do need to see a professional. Let someone help you. Love you!
sounds like depression? definitely mention this to your counselor.
It would be a good idea to mention this to your counselor. I think people get into this destructive mindset when they are trying to judge and punish themselves. When you have these feelings, do you know if they are triggered by anything specific? I used to have some triggered by not being able to fix something and it would make me feel worthless. It could be more general or specific than that. I hope you overcome this soon. You deserve to treat yourself better.