September 15, 2012

  • I wanna try it

    I'm thinking about seeing an hypnotist. Trey has psychology this year (just a different class) and they were talking about how traumatic experiences can burying themselves down deep in the psychy (sp?) and wreck havoc later on in the person life. 

    It's definitely save to say I've been through some trauma. 
    I don't know what happened when I was little, but I'm sure something did related to guilt, because I am so easily guilted... Think I'm exaggerating... check out this.
    Yeah, that's extreme. 
    And then I became anorexic when I was 14 as I was starting to date an 18 year old who convince/manipulated/forced me to do sexual stuff I wasn't ready for nor did I want. However, part of what made it easy about me is that he discovered the guilt thing and used it against me... and filled my head with lies. 
    After that I continued with my eating disorder and started cutting myself at 15. 
    I had suicidal thoughts until I was 18, which is when I pretty much recovered, only to be continued to by a spiral down which included a relapse and 2 suicide attempts this last summer. (May 24th, minor in my opinion) and July 14th (Way major, almost succeeded). Oh, then I got wasted and drove drunk until Trey came over which consisted of a psychotic episode...
    I'm doing better with eating, but I still have bouts of depression and anxiety. Oh and I'm now on 40mgs of celexa. 
    When Trey mentioned the hypnosis he made a comment about maybe even getting me where I'd eat chocolate again. (I refuse to eat it.No for eating disorder reasons. For reasons related to the sexually abusive ex.. long hard story). That scares the crap out of me. I promised myself never again. I don't wanna. It makes me wanna cry... I don't know if the hypnosis would cure that but still....
    And I just want to be normal. Pretty much all aspects about my life, have been abnormal. My school, my health/eating disorder ( in the fact that normal people don't have them), my relationship experience, my guilt factor, just a lot. I don't know if hypnosis works but I'd be willing to try. I'm tired of abnormalities. 

September 14, 2012

  • Pictures!

    Had a pretty good day. Yesterday sucked balls, but I survived. Honestly,  I wanted to grab Trey's beretta and shoot myself in the head, but I was a good girl and even told Trey at one point that I was in a good place mentally, which was really hard because  I know I already put a long of stress on him, and I don't want to make the load any heavier. 

    Within the last hour, I've been chilling, and I decided to doodle.
    Ehh, too bold.
     close up...
    this one's better. 
    And an anchor because I refuse to sink. I'm going to survive. 
    :D
    Trey took this back in February when I passed out studying in the day :P
    And this was like, within the last month... I was watching tv with him and just died lol.
    And this is the bunny I'm trying to convince my Mom to let me get! I already named him Bugs :)
    True dat.
    :D

September 11, 2012

  • I WILL make him mine...

      

    This last Sunday, a girl at my church brought a bunch of baby bunnies. She has two bunnies and turns out she has a girl and a boy, not two boys like she thought. So there's now a bunch of bunnies!
    My Mom got me from the nursery to come look and I fill in love. I want him so bad, but my Mom doesn't want him at the house and Trey's house has four dogs (ones' a hunting dog, one's a german shepherd, one's an old dog of which type I'm not sure, and one's a long haired chiahuahua thingy), so it wouldn't be safe over there. 
    I'm still bugging my Mom about getting him. The girl has a bunch she's giving away so she said she'll have him for a while and to keep trying to convince my Mom. 
    I already bonded with him and he loves me (a lot) and I love him (a ton) and I fed him lettuce and he was sooo cute when he ate!! :3 AND I already named him! 
    (By the way, my voice sounds weird in the video... especially when I did a squeaky baby voice... yeah, sorry 'bout that..)

  • ha^3 = HAHAHA! :P *pic*

    community 

    What's really funny is this is from a comedy/sitcom/show and my psychology professor just showed us a clip from this show in my class before (literally, an hour before I saw this...) Talk about coincident!

  • *(short) video* Silly-ness :P

     

    Made this video on Labor Day (9/03), but you're getting it now :P

September 6, 2012

  • FINALLY, I can explain

     

    forevers ago (August 14th) I had a night filled with emotional drunk pulses and a drunk blog...

    I've been trying to load the video explaining ever since the day after but I have google chrome and aparrently internet explorer loads video better (or is the only one that does?).

    So now that's I'm in my computer literacy class using the computers with internet explorer, I figured I'd post it now.

September 3, 2012

  • Goodnight call (plus pics)

    Trey's had a rough day today and felt really down. :( So a few minutes after he told me he was going to bed I called him... "Okay, no laughing if I suck... 

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
    You make me happy when I am sad, 
    You'll never know dear, how much I love you,
    Please don't take my sunshine away."

    I was so shy to do it but he really loved it and said it was uber cute lol. I don't like him being sad or upset, so I like to take any opportunity I get to be cute and put a smile on his face. :)
    I was being a photo whore this morning

August 26, 2012

  • SSUURRPPRRIISSEE!!

    I suppose I'll go ahead and let you all in on the surprise/ result of my spontaneity. 

    Well, first off I was more spontaneous than Trey... 
    Thursday night he asked me to go with him after school to get some estimates, and I agreed. 
    We went, and after looking at the persons work he decided to get this...
    It's a bow and arrow that is stamped onto some Russian Sniper rifle that helped win WW2. (sorry about the glare on it, that's from my camera and A&D being on it)
    While he was getting his done I was just curious and asked the dude if he had a book of fonts I could look at and he let me look through his computer at all his fonts. 
    I didn't have my wallet (need money and ID) so after Trey was done I came back like an hour later (I also borrowed a tank top from Cara since I had a tshirt on..).
    Trey took this picture at the house. (And like i mentioned earlier, the shine/glare is because of the flash on my camera plus the A&D)
    And I took this yesterday in my bathroom using the timer setting on my camera lol. 
    The meaning behind the tattoo is that if you keep procrastinating, you're never gonna get better. 
    Ever since I first began to get my eating disorder it was 'today's already been ruined, I'll just start fresh tomorrow'. Even when I was serious about getting better, I could have a bad day or something and it was oh well, I'll start new tomorrow, or at the beginning of the week that way it's a fresh start! "Hey, it's already December... I'll just wait until New Years and have a fresh start." "Well, it's March, I'll just begin doing good on my birthday, start a fresh new year." And so on and so on. 
    It's with any habit [drinking, smoking, doing drugs, etc.] you can't keep putting it off for "tomorrow" because it never comes. If you allow that then you'll most likely be able to find another good restart time and it's a vicious cycle. So no more starting tomorrow for me. 
    It starts today. 
    And for everyone who was interested in my surprise... @GreekPhysique, @ ListensLikeSpring, @heythereJOANN, @Mrs_FoodLover, @hopethatitglows, @Grizzlybearr, @dewdroptear, @IntoTheWind1, @tjlittlegirl, @cmdr_keen, 

  • Hey!!! I (and Trey too) went out and were spontaneous on Friday... only four people know what I did.

    I asked in a pulse but now I'm asking here... 
    WHO WANTS TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!?
    Only catch is no blabbing on my facebook about it, if you're my facebook friend, until I've lost the game. [A.K.A. my family has discovered it.] 
    Anyways, it's freakin' awesome!! So you should be curious and want to know
    Who wants me to reveal my surprise/secret?! :D

August 22, 2012

  • Acting sneaky in the bathroom...

    So I'm over at Trey's and we ate lunch fairly recently and he's now working on his sniper rifle trying to perfect something about it... after going up stairs to get something for him, I told him I was stepping into the bathroom and keeping the door open but he could not look. That obviously made him suspicious. He also heard stuff crinkling around (something being opened) but I promised he'd understand when I was done... I asked if he was ready and I popped out....

    ...like this! LOL
    Thank you target and back to school for making this possible :P
    (I'm sitting by a window so I tried to show you all of the stickers since the light was making some of them hard to see...)
    I asked Trey if I could do my face like this when we get married and he said yes, YAY! lol
    I've been in a better/happier mood the last couple of days/week. 
    I still haven't explained about last Wednesday night. but I will get to that soon. I made a video explaining but I can't post it for some annoying reason.. (Hey, xanga team, wanna get on that? :P ) 
    Anyways, Trey and I are doing good.. a lot better actually. 
    School starts tomorrow.. I have psychology and some computer class (Tues./Thurs.) and I have physics, speech, and Civ. 2 (Mon./Wed.Fri.)
    Anyways... I just wanted to show all of you y awesomeness