Month: May 2013

  • Ten day blogging challenge XP

    I saw @smile4leena post this and thought I’d steal it since I’m looking to kill time and posting on here is a good way to do that :)


    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust



    So ten facts about me… 

    1. Earlier this month (May 6th) was the two year anniversary of my recovery from self-harming!
    2. I’m really self-conscious about my teeth. :/ If I won the lottery or inherited a large sum of money, I would definitely want to get them all fixed up and looking awesome.
    3. I hate rap. The only song I like that’s rap is “Not Afraid” by Eminem because the lyrics really spoke to me at the time it came out. The rest of rap, is just a bunch of stupid noise {in my opinion}.
    4. I need a new iPod desperately. Mine is a hand-me-down from my older sister. I got it when I was 16 and she’d had it a few years before me. The menu button is broken. It takes a miracle to get it to respond. I can go left to right and select songs, but if you bump it off of play all you’re in trouble. (That happened today actually -.- )
    5. I love thunderstorms, as long as I’m inside and have no where to be. It’s even better if I have my Scriffy (that’s Trey) to cuddle up to :) However, if I have to drive in it… HELLS NO! That shiz will damn near give me a panic attack.
    6. I like watching Law & Order SVU, a lot. When I’m at Trey’s and I’m in control of the tv I tend to put it on that if it’s on. And Trey kind of chuckles and says “You and that rapey show.” Lol
    7. Used to, I never imagined myself living outside of Arkansas. Hell, I figured, I’d stay around Little Rock. After visiting Corpus Christi with Trey last summer, I could see myself living there. We also need to visit Florida too :) I definitely wouldn’t mind living on/near the beach. 
    8. I actually miss Cajun’s a little. Dan has really chilled out a lot and it was good money, plus a guaranteed job. I had to leave though. I was in such a bad place at the time.. I couldn’t do it anymore and everything was falling apart. Hard to believe I’ve been gone a year (plus, one-two weeks). 
    9. I love going to climb Pinnacle! It’s a mountain in Little Rock that you can hike up and it’s beautiful on the top. :) Super fun and good exercise too
    10. I’ve never been on an airplane. My Dad drove our van (with 6 people total) up to Ontario, Toronto, Canada I believe it took 2-3 days to get there.. not certain, I was 9 I believe. Toronto was beautiful and the weather was amazing! I loved it and one day, Trey and I are going to visit there. :)

    Boom ten things! I started this before I went to work and finished afterwards. Anyways, I’m watching Psych so yeah

  • Survey I stole from IcECaT123

    1. Get something off your chest. 
    I’m sad that I haven’t gotten any facebook messages or skype time with Trey yet. (I’m impatient.) 

    2. The last dream you remember having. 
    Considering I’ve only gotten a few hours of sleep the last couple of nights, I don’t remember a whole lot. I just know that last night had Trey init L 

    3. Current relationship in details. 
    Engaged. Sunday we’ll have been together a year and eight months. Date not set for the wedding. Trey prefers to wait until we’re out of school.  

    4. A photo of your best friend. 

     

    Yeah, I don’t have friends really… so you get a picture of Trey.. he’s my best friend xp

    5. You have a sleepover with 5 people from Tumblr, who do you pick and why? 
    I don’t have a tumblr

    6. Your last sexualexperience – when/where/how/who. 
    XP

    7. Tell us about someone you hate/strongly dislike. 
    Someone’s judgmental little sister. 

    8. List everything you eaten today. 
    Strawberry banana yogurt, smoothie (made from banana, milk,peach activia, and cinnamon), and a cutie.

    9. Post an unflattering photo of yourself. 

     

    Trey took this one afternoon when I had passed out from studying xp

    10. Post lyrics that are relevant to how you feel right now. 

     I don’t even know. All I’ve listened to recently is Sabaton and I don’t feel like thinking that much. 

    11. If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to? 
    If he was home, Trey. 

    12. The last time you were angry and why. 
    Monday about having to go to Cara’s baby shower. Or a little angry Tuesday that Trey’s Mom got there way early to take Trey to the airport and stole 30 minutes with him from me.

    13. The last time you cried and why. 
     A little today, but a lot yesterday because I missed Trey.

    14. How your life was different this time last year? 
    Well, this time last year, Trey and I were going to/in Corpus Christi and having a blast, compared to him being in Germany and me being lonely at home.

    15. Go to your photo folder, go to the first letter of your name and post the first photo. 
    Here ya go…

     
    (Excuse my looking like crap :P )

    16. Would you rather run through town naked at midday or sleep with the most disgusting person you know? 
    I’m gonna pass on both… 

    17. Google your horoscope for today – how accurate is it? 
     Well it’s 4am now so today’s sounds like it will fit considering how I’ve felt recently.. Yesterday’s- not so much.

    18. You have to spend a day with number 23 on your IM contact list. How lucky are you? 
    I haven’t used IM in forever.. 

    19. Refresh your dashboard, whose blog do you prefer, the first or fifth person to appear. 
     Umm.. the only dash board I know of is on my car xp

    20. Tell us about someone you miss or the time you miss. 
    Big shocker here… I miss Trey.

    21. List things you spend money on in an average week. 
    Gas and groceries/food.

    22. Your plans for summer. 
     Keep busy until Trey’s back and work lots.

    23. Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10. 
     Trey… he needs an infinity symbol. XP

    24. Post the last FB group/page that you joined. 
     Man, I don’t even know. It’s been way too long.

    25. Your best friend starts dating your ex. How do you feel about it? 
     Well since I listed Trey as my best friend… that’s awkward 0.0

    26. Address a few words to 3 people. 

    1. I think we could become good friends. I hope you were serious about wanting to hang out.. I could use a friend.

    2. Reality is gonna hit you hard. I guess you need that though.. maybe it’ll knock you out of the “la la world” you’re living in.

    3. We were really good friends. You were there for me for a lot and I don’t want to lose our friendship, but I’m also tired of being the only one who ever tries to hang out.

    27. Refresh your dashboard. Who would you rather sleep with, the second person or the sixth that appears? 
         No dashboard.

    28. Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship?
     No lol. I’m in one now and there’s no problem about it.

    29. Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? 
    Better not have. 

    29. What was the last sport you watched on TV. 
     I don’t even know.

    30. How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? 
    Depends on who it is and what they did. 

    31. Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you? 
    Pretty much. 

    32. Ever had a crush on a teacher/someone at least 10 years older/member of the same sex. 
     Nope.

    33. Do you like being alone? 
     Sometimes, right now, not so much.

    34. Describe what youare wearing. 
     Navy shirt that used to be Trey’s and navy shorts- knee length.

    35. Name one thing youlove about winter. 
    Warm coffee! 

    36. What’s your phonewallpaper right now? 
         Three flowers.

    37. Is there someonethat you believe you will always be attached to?
    I think so. 

    38. How did you get one of your scars? 
     One of those bouncy/play houses.

    39. What board games are you good at? 
    Urm, ones played against little kids?


    40. When you like someone do you tell them?

    Depends.

  • Little favor…

    So Lexie (aka @listenslikespring) had done something like this a month or so ago and I thought I’d try it myself. 

    As you all probably know, Trey’s gone to Germany to study abroad until June 29th. In ten minutes it’ll technically be 30 days left, but his flight isn’t scheduled to get in until 5pm, so I’m not sure whether to call it 31 until 5pm or just to call it 30 when it’s officially tomorrow. Not the point though…

    My favor is for you to entertain me. I’m spending a lot more time on xanga than I have in a while now, to help keep my mind busy. I like reading about you guys. Updating a lot this month is one way you could help, but what I had in mind was for you to submit stories to me. If you want, it could be fictional, but I was thinking life events or dreams, childhood memories, the day you met the person you knew you were going to marry, your first job, etc. 

    You could submit it in a comment or private message me. It’s whatever you prefer. 

    I don’t really expect to get many responses to this but I figured it would be worth a try. 
    It can be super personal or simple and silly. It can be fiction or non-fiction (would like to know if it’s real or not though), whatever you would want to share. 

    Any if you want to help entertain me but don’t want to share any stories you could REC this instead  

  • Lil update on me and the last two days

    I might try to do an update after work, but now I’m getting ready for it, so I don’t have time. 

    So just a quickie… 
    Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast with Trey. He left at noon and I stopped by Build-A-Bear on my way home because I didn’t want to be home, alone yet. I got home about 2:00pm. I was super sad, and cried a bunch, on and off. 
    I took some nyquil around 4:30 and napped for 30 minutes-an hour. Trey had texted me until he boarded the plane around 3pm, I got a text at 7 saying he was on his new plane  (I think in Atlanta) and heading to Amsterdam. 
    I barely slept last night. Like maybe two hours, but I don’t feel tired.. just sad. 
    I’ve done better about not crying so much today, still really sad though. 
    I got a text from Trey at 2pm from his German phone. He doesn’t have an international plan yet, so he couldn’t text much because of cost. Basically I got his number, he told me he loved me and he was going to bed, and that he’d try to text or call once he’d gotten a better plan. After that I cried a little. I miss him a lot. 
    All I’ve had today was a yogurt around 11am and I just made a smoothie (one banana, a peach fatfree activia yogurt, milk, and a shake of cinnamon). I didn’t want the smoothie, but I don’t need to risk feeling weak at work. 
    I don’t feel like eating. I don’t have much of an appetite and the empty feeling is comforting when I’m sad. 
    I know I have to though. If Trey came back in a month and I’d lost a bunch of weight, he’d be so sad and disappointed. I weighed in today at 116. Of course, I’m dehydrated and I haven’t eaten much the last two days. When I get home I’m going to try to eat better. If not then, then tomorrow. 
    During the semester, my weight went between 120-124 lbs. 115 is probably the lowest I should be and it’s the lowest said he’d want to see me. I’ll eat better and I’m going to continue to do weights and stuff while he’s gone so I’ll keep my muscles up and I’ll try to eat normally too. 
    It just sucks… I’m really sad and lonely and I just want Trey back and to have him cuddle me. He’d cook me something up and we’d eat together and laugh and have a good time. I just want him back… 
    31 more days… I’mma stop now. I already started my make up for work and if I cry it’ll mess up the mascara I put on.. Later

  • This isn’t normal :/

    I’m usually pretty cheerful. Sometimes, though, something little can set me up. It’s not usually something major, just something that really seems to frustrate me (it sometimes even makes no sense to me) and i focus on it too much. I get upset and basically explode. I’m angry and hurt and I don’t agree with the situation. I throw the equilvalence of a two-year-old tantrum. (Last night, I legitimately stopped me feet and stomped around…) I can’t handle it anymore and everything seems unbearable. 

    Then I realize how miserable I make people and how much of a burden I am. Then, regardless of the fact that I love them, I insist they leave me because I’m a burden, I don’t make them happy, I’m not worth the trouble, I don’t deserve love and attention. Besides, by staying with me they just make me obligated to live and be okay. 
    I have thoughts… I want to bang my head into the wall as hard as I can, or hit my fist and feet against it. I want to bang my head or fist into a mirror. Throw a glass or bottle, or better yet, bang it against something while it’s still in my hands so it’ll hopefully cut me too when it breaks. I want to take a bunch of pills, or cut myself. I want to drive recklessly. I want to hit the person I’m around in hopes of provoking them to hit me back. Occasionally, I picture myself grabbing one of Trey’s guns- I’d have to be careful because only a few are even loaded now. 
    In moments like these, where I’m tired or existing, tired or be a burden, tired of it all, I have all these destructive urges. 
    Earlier today, over something so unimportant and little, there was a big blow up. Lots of crying and bawling, wishing to bang my head against the wall until… I don’t know-probably until Trey stopped me. Wanting to cut flashed into my mind for a second, as well as taking pills. I was just tired of being a burden. Tired of dealing with life. There was lots of screaming. Lots of tears and snot on my part. 
    I even shoved at Trey in hopes of getting him to do something back but he refuses to ever put a hand on me. 
    He wants me to get professional help while he’s in Germany…
    Idk… I suppose I should mention some of this to my counselor Thursday. :/
    This isn’t normal

  • Creations and a short ramble

    Tonight, I made this XP

    It’s Skinny Girl Pina Colada, orange juice, and a little pina colada mixing syrup. Oh and it has ice cubes. 
    It’s amazing! I wants more but Trey would probably veto that
    Oh and yesterday I made these!
      
    I found a recipe a while ago, but I kind of winged it from memory. I used crescent rolls and laid them out, put 2-3 pieces of turkey pepperoni on it and a cube of (monterey jack) cheese, and sprinkled a little Italian seasoning and garlic powder on them. Rolled ‘em up and brushed some extra virgin olive oil on ‘em and an egg white and put ‘em in the oven for about 15 minutes on 350. Oh and I opened up a can of garlic and herb tomato/pasta sauce for dipping. Trey loved ‘em! :)
    Now we’re mine crafting together. 
    We went out tonight to try to have crawfish but the two places we went were out. So we went to maddie’s place and had po-boy sandwiches. 
    Here shortly I’m going to have him rub my feet. xp
    I can’t believe I have Friday, the weekend, Monday, and half of Tuesday before he’s gone for a whole month. 
    Tis really going to suck :/

  • Salty snack help!

    So my counselor has asked me to find a snack I like that is salty. Like chips or salted nuts. I’m not big on chips, I’ll eat tortilla chips at Mexican restaurants or occasionally at home, and buying things of nuts (I really like almonds and pistachios) can be semi-expensive. So I’ve come here for help!

    Give me your ideas for snacks that are salty (and preferably cheap!) lol.
    What is your favorite salty snack? 
    Basically the only time I consume moderate-high amounts of sodium is when I use condiments (mustard especially). And Asian foods with soy sauce. Hmm… if there was a cheap and good sushi place local I’d just go eat sushi with soy sauce as my snack lol :P But the good sushi around here is more of a special occasion/ once in a blue moon luxury xp. 
    And in case you’re wondering why a counselor is suggesting this  (Cause truthfully it sounds a little strange), it’s because bipolar disorder is normally treated with lithium carbonate (I think that’s the name?) which is kind of like a salt and it helps the neurons in your brain and shit. Idk, I understand what the counselor said and it makes sense, I just can’t repeat it back in a way that makes sense. Anyways, the sodium can help be calming and shizz xp 
    So tell me your favorite salty snacks, ideas for cheap salty snacks, even salty snacks you don’t like, and feel free to REC in order to spread the word and get a better collection of ideas! :)

  • This is where my talent is! *video*

     

    This was from October 2012. I uploaded it on here but for some reason it was on private… so I’m time standing it and posting it now. 
    This is me at the cheer gym. I dragged Trey along so I could show off for him XP
    I do a round off, back handspring, full. The full (flip where I do a 360 twist), I actually have a double (720 degree twist while flipping). I haven’t done it in a while and I hadn’t tumble in at least a year or two when I took this video so I didn’t attempt it yet, but I was to drag Trey to the gym sometime again and maybe work on getting it back too! I did it on the tumble track (like a trampoline, but it’s a long strip so you can tumble on it and there are cushion-y mats at both ends so you can practice skills on to it). 
    Maybe if I’m lucky I can drag Trey to the gym before he leaves for Germany on the 28th. I like showing off and he thinks it’s cool. I’d told him about my tumbling before, but this was the first time he’d ever seen it and he was MEGA IMPRESSED! Lol, he went home and was telling his Dad all about it and was like “She’s really amazing!” Lol and he hasn’t even seen the full extend of it! xp

  • I need to feel better right NEOW :/

    Woke up feeling fine this morning, now less than an hour before work, I’m beginning to feel ill. We’re supposed to be super busy and short handed today so I’m just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it. To make it better, it’s a seven hour shift. Usually the shifts are 4-5 hours (short, I know.. I guess that figure you can only handle being there surrounded by kids in small doses XP). I don’t mind working longer, I’ve done 9 hour shifts before at a previous job, it’ll just suck if I feel bad. I feel really warm and my head feels foggy and warm. My tummy is bugging me a little bit. 

    I don’t know what it is. I had cereal this morning. The milk might have tasted a little strange.. but I didn’t pay it much attention so it couldn’t be too bad. And I started a cup of coffee but it tastes gross to me today. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the coffee per se, but my taste buds are off today. 
    I took some pepto and tums which will hopefully help my tummy from feeling any worse. 
    Oh, and there’s a chance I close too which means i’d work 11am-9:30pm. The managers think Tevin isn’t going to show up tonight and he closes. Last Saturday he called in that day saying he had something to do with his school and couldn’t come (which would’ve been okay if he’d told them two weeks in advanced or even as soon as he knew, but not the day of) and apparently he didn’t make another shift before that. So we’ll see. I’d love the extra hours, but right now I’m not sure how I’ll be feeling. 
    I just hope it’s better. 
    I originally just started this as a pulse and it was going to be a little too long. Like the first two sentences of this was all it was going to be. Now I’m just blabbering and stuff. So I’mma get off and hope in the next 30 minutes I make a remarkable recovery. :/

  • Go home Reilly, you’re drunk

    Yeah, so honestly, I’m either tipsy or drunk now. I drank half a coffee ale and  had a bitburger and now I’m splitting one with Trey. I don’t know what percentage bitburger is but the coffee ale was 9.something percent and I had half of it. I on;y get to drink on nights when I’m able to spend the night with Trey… tonight happens to be one of those nights… 

    I came on with an idea or an attention of writing about a specific topic, if only i could remember…
    /I might remember it.
    This is the point where I ought to stop drinking because I feel it but Trey is gamin and he doesn’t normally allow me to drink this much so oh well.  
    I had counseling Wednesday. What I got from it was basically I was sexually abused (that’s the not the topic or reason for counseling but it came up), I was just cohersed. So I wasn’t forced or sexually abuse, simply,  i was convinced to do what i didn’t want to do and because they age difference just happened to be 14 and 18 instead of 14 and 17, i was able to file charges later. So hey, good news, I wasn’t molested and in an abusive relationship, i was just a promiscuous, slutty 14 year old whore!! No worries here, the fact that he was a manipulative bastard doesn’t’ matter . I was just a whore and experimental. Now I’m the cohersive whore in the relationship and the terrible person. 
    Holy shit, I have uber bad hiccups! I thought it was just a joke that u hiccup when drunk XP
    SO for the last two days I’ve been upset because of counseling Wednesday morning and it’s sucked. 
    i just wanna go for a long stroll but I’m only 20 so I can’t because legally I can’t drink anything so if a police noticed i’d be screwed. at least I’m with Trey tonight. I just wanna not feel like a whore.
    What if I was. maybe i made the whole “abusive relationship up” and used it as an excuse to cover my whore-ness. Anyways… I’m drunk/tipsy/ I’mma try to fix my typos and then convince Trey to lay with my (once I’ve finished the rest of my beer) because I’m feeling it. 
    I just wanna be loved.