• My Mom's in a really bad mood and being quite bitchy.
• Trey's busy doing something with his family in Missouri right now,
  so here's not really responding to my text.
• Heather and I were going to hang out today but she'd forgotten about some holiday plans with her Mom, so he rescheduled for Sunday.
• I just finished reading my book, and have yet to start a new one yet.
• There's nothing on tv really.

There! That's my reasoning for doing this.. not like I really have to explain myself

I found this on @RighteousBruin 's site...

81 Things

1. What Color Is Your Toothbrush
Red

2. Name One Person That Always Makes You Smile?
Trey

3.What Were You Doing At 8 Am This Morning?
Drinking coffee and messing around on the computer

4.What Were You Doing 45 Minutes Ago?
Drinking a banana protein smoothie!

5. What Is Your Favorite Candy ?
Hmm.. probably Hot Tamales (the cinnamon chewy candies)

6.Have You Ever Been To A Strip Club
Nope!

7. What's the last thing you said out loud?
Not bad.. strange song though.

8.What Is The Best Ice Cream Flavor?
Vanilla Bean

9. What is the last thing you had to drink?
Coffee!

10. What Is The Longest You Have Gone Without Sleeping
I've gone like three days before...

11.Have You Ever Made A Promise You'd Die To Keep?
Errm, not that I remember?

12.Have You Bought Any New Clothing Items This Week
Nah.

13.The Last Sporting event watched?
An Arkansas Baseball game.

14. What Is Your Favorite Flavor Of Popcorn?
Kettle Corn

15.Who Is The Last Person You Sent A Message On Facebook?
Jamie or Lexie?

16.Ever Go Camping?
Not yet.

17.Do You Take Vitamins Daily?
I try, sometimes I forget.

18. Do You Go To Church Every Sunday?
This year I have with the exception of one Sunday (when I was in Corpus Christi), but that's because I work in the nursery, to be honest.

19. Do You Have A Tan?
A little bit of one.

21. Do You Drink Your Soda With A Straw?
No.

23. What Are You Doing Tomorrow?
Hopefully seeing Trey in the afternoon when he gets home from Missouri! Otherwise, I won't get to see him for another two weeks due to army training stuff.

24.Where Is Your Dad?
Umm, I think Pittsburgh.

25. Look To Your Left, What Do you see?
My bed and window.

26.What Color Is Your Watch
I don't really wear a watch at the moment.

27. What Do You Think Of When You Hear Australia?
Australian accents

28.What did you do yesterday
Nothing really... Chilled, did an insanity video, biked some, drew a little bit.

29. Do You Go In At A Fast Food Place Or Just Hit The Drive Thru?
I rarely ever eat fast food, but if I were to I'd go in.

30.What Is Your Favorite Number?
Three!

31. Who did you last talk to on the phone?
The secretary person at the UALR counseling center.

32.Any Plans Today
I had plans with Heather, but those fell through... so not really now.

34. Biggest Annoyance In Your Life Right Now?
My Mother.

35. Last Song Listened To
"Tears Don't Fall" by Bullet For My Valentine <3

36. Can You Say The Alphabet Backwards
Yes, I can.

37. Do You Have A Maid Service Clean Your House?
Pfft. NO! lol

38. Favorite Pair Of Shoes You Wear All The Time?
Currently, flip flops.

39. Are You Jealous Of Anyone?
Not really.

40. Is Anyone Jealous Of You?
I don't know.

41. Do You Love Anyone?
Yes

43. What Do You Usually Do During The Day?
Read, mess around on the internet, text/hang with Trey.. other stuff.

44. Do You Hate Anyone That You Know Right Now?
No, but there's definitely someone I don't like right now.

45. Do You Use The Word 'hello' Daily?
Not necessarily, but I use synonyms of hello daily.

47. Do You Like Cats?
Yes.

48. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
No.

49. How Did You Get Your Worst Scar?
A rough night.

50. Been physically attracted to another woman?
Nope.

51. Last Cd Played?
Flyleaf

52. Last Bubble Bath?
I can't even remember.

53. Last Time You Cried?
Maybe Saturday?

54. Last Meal?
Banana protein smoothie

55. Have You Ever Dated Someone Twice?
Like broken up with them, then gotten back together? No.

56. Have You Ever Kissed Someone & Regretted It
Not immediately, but I regret the whole relationship in general.

57. Have you Ever Fallen In Love
Yes!

58. Have You Ever Lost Someone?
Kind of.

59. Have You Ever Slept Until 1pm?
Yes, but in my defense I didn't go to bed until like 8 or 9am... I was in a bad place.

60. Have You Ever Been Drunk And Thrown Up?
Yes.

61. Someone You Tell Pretty Much Anything To?
Pretty much.

62. List Three Favorite Colors/shades/tint/tone —
Blue, purple, pink.

63. Laughed Until You Cried:
Yes, just last week I did that. :3

64. Went Behind Your Parents Back:
Yep.

65. Who Posted This Before You?
@ RighteousBruin

66. Favorite weather?
That's hard.. it depends on my mood.

67. Lowering The Drinking Age?
Err, I'm not getting into it.

69. Who Are The Best Huggers That You Know?
Trey.

70. Do You Believe In Love At First Sight
I guess it depends.

71. Is There Something You Want To Tell Someone?
Yes.

73. Would You Kiss Anyone On Your Top Friends?
Wasn't top friends from myspace? Lol and no.

74. How Many Kids Do You Want To Have?
I think two.

75. Do You Want To Change Your Name?
Only my last night.

76. Last Time You Saw Your Father?
Sunday before he left for Miami for work. (Then after that he went up to Pittsburgh.)

77. What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
7:07AM

78. How Old Are You?
19

79. What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night?
Reading, about to go to bed.

80. What Is Your Favorite Thing In Your Room?
Umm, Idk... I guess my ipod, cell phone, or laptop?

81. Where Is Your Best Friend?
Apparently she's doing 4th of July stuff with her Mom.

 

Anyways, I might vent about my Mom in another post later today.. it'll just depend on how I feel.

Happy Independence Day everyone!

So if you know me very well, you probably know I don't know very many healthy coping mechanisms.

One of the things my councelor wanted me to think about was healthier coping mechanisms.

I see her next Thursday, and I haven't come up with much.

I'm hoping you guys would be willing to help make suggestions on ways I could cope when stressed or anxious &/or share what you do to cope.

I'd really appreciate it!

One thing I know therapist always say is journaling and that doesn't work for me. Blogging on here helps sometimes, but sometimes I'm too frantic to come get on computer and write and other times my laptop isn't available to me when I get anxious/stressed.

I would say running is a good option for me, but right now in this heat, it's not such a great idea lol. I'd hate to get heat stroke or pass out or something trying to run when it's in the 100s here lol.

Anyways, any advice you can give would be awesome. Oh, and I don't typically ask for it, but if you could REC this then it'd be seen by more and I could possibly get more responses and more advice on coping mechanisms. So yeah, REC please?

Thanks guys!

So I believe where I last left off was Tuesday.

Tuesday I met with my counselor for the first time. I like her pretty well. Thankfully, she is a woman which makes me more comfortable. Her name's Beverly. I find it kind of ironic, she's interning as a counselor now, but her main job is teaching special ed... good match, eh? lol
As much as I don't want to have to go to counseling, I think she'll work out good for me.

After that, I went to lunch with my Dad and then came home and watched "Girl, Interrupted." I really liked it. After watching that I decided to do some research on BPD and I've self diagnosed myself with Borderline Personality Disorder. It fits me to a tee.

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.

These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.

Risk factors for BPD include:

• Abandonment in childhood or adolescence

• Disrupted family life

• Poor communication in the family

• Sexual abuse

Symptoms

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned

• Feelings of emptiness and boredom

• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger {AKA, my little temper tantrums}

• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting

• Intolerance of being alone

• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

I have an appointment with my doctor for July 9th, where I was originally going to start talking about weaning me off my celexa, but now I'm going to bring this up and maybe see about getting on prozac, because I think that would help me a lot with multiple issues I have. And if not celexa, then see about getting on something that may help me better than celexa. After my OD on June 14th, I quit taking it, but I went back to it this last Thursday.

Wednesday morning, Trey and I went to climb Pinnacle Mountain and we had a lot of fun, and he asked me to marry him again on top, so we're back to engaged. Then we went down a different side and tried to get back to the car by taking the base trail but it turned into a dead end and we were running (well he ran, I jogged) and he got a head of me and I got scared and started freakin' out cause I felt lost. It gave me bad anxiety.  So after having a mini freak out we made it back to were we'd came down and decided to walk the road back to the car. Long story short, he thought we were going the wrong way, I remembered coming this way, we bickered because I was beginning to have a melt down. I ended up breaking down and crying on the side of the road. A park ranger drove by and gave us a left to our car. For the record we were going the right way, we just had like another two miles to go. That's why I decided to get back on my celexa until my doctors appointment.
I kept having highs and lows all Wednesday.

   and this was our post-Pinnacle breakfast. I made waffles and he made this German omelette thingy.

Oh, another thing I discovered. When I have my meltdowns... I must black out or something, because I can't even remember all of the argument, not even like 30 minutes later. I mean, I'm present when it's going on, but 30 minutes later, we were in the car on the way home and I was thinking, and I couldn't remember pieces of it. I don't think that's normal.

Thursday morning was good. I got up at 5:30am and drove over to Treys and got in bed with him and we cuddled and slept for about another 3 hours. I miss sleeping with him. I'm so used to having someone to cuddle with. We went to this new restaurant for lunch called "21" and it was good. Plus the prices were really good.

  These are fishies they had there :3

  This is what Trey had.. fish tacos.

  I had Teriyaki glazed salmon..

  And I ordered sweet potato fries as a side for both of us to share. We also had calamari which was really good, but I didn't get a picture.

Overall, we had a really good day.

Friday I went to this place called the Dreamy Spoon with Joe. It's a frozen yogurt self serve place and it was so awesome.

  Om nom nom

  I'm gonna have to take Trey sometime. It was really good.

 After that I went to Trey's but only for a little less than two hours. I wasn't thrilled about how little I got to see him, but C'est la vie.

Saturday I got to spend most of the day with him. I wanted to go get a fish but he made up some excuse that it would stress the fish to be in a small container in the heat so long and that I should do it later when I can take it directly home. Excuses, excuses lol. My Mom's not in favor of having a fish, but she'll live.

  Oh, and while Trey made breakfast Saturday morning, I was flipping through his Mom's magazine and saw this. I showed it to Trey and was like "damn, her boobs are like practically completely revealed!" And what did he first notice? The guns... and then he started talking about them lol. I had to point out the picture at the bottom where the chick has her tits hanging out lmao!

  Then later on, I was being bored and put my hair up like a unicorn... then I did this and decided this is how I'm wearing my hair when we get married

  This is later back at my house being a 'tard...

  Sexy, no?

And as for today, it's been boring. Trey left on a trip to Missouri to visit his Uncle Todd and Aunt Gale... I was originally invited, but his Dad wanted to be an asshole and uninvited me because he just wants it to be the four of them (Cara isn't going) and apparently he feels uncomfortable around me now because I tried to kill myself two weeks ago.... awesome. Because if someone's having trouble and what not, you should totally isolate them and make them feel like a freak and abandoned. Thanks ass. Oh, and they took Trey's car, but he got no say in who could go in his car. Fucking retarded. I'm pissed, he's upset about it. His Mom didn't care if I went, but his Dad was throwing a fit like a big fat baby. Fucking asshole.
Anyways, it sucks more because they'll get back on Thursday the 5th, and the next morning Trey has to report to Camp Robinson for some two week training thing. So it's not like I don't get to see him for like 5 days.. it's three fucking weeks. UGH. Fuck you Doug! [Doug's his Dad... obviously.]

Oh, and this is my Mom's late birthday present.

  I bought the basket, but all the shells were picked by me in Corpus for her

Oh, and two more picture from Monday...

  This is my meal from the pantry... and this is what I had for a light lunch since we were going out for an early dinner...  Jealous?

I'm exhausted now, so I'll try to keep this somewhat short.

I've had a really good day today.

Last night I stayed up 'til 1:30am and when I fell asleep I slept horrible. However, like Trey and I had planned, I got up at 6am and drove over to his house and got into bed with him to cuddle. We talked for a little bit, then slept 'til like 8:30am. Those two hours I got were better than the four and a half hours I got at my parents. I miss cuddling with him and getting to sleep next to him at night. I swear, when we cuddle, we fit perfectly into each other.

After showering and breakfast we went to Best Buy to have the geek squad look at my computer, but it'd be $80 to send it out and then an addition $150 maybe to fix it. The guy couldn't give an exact price because he wouldn't be able to tell what was wrong with it unless it'd been opened up and what not. So I'm going to let Trey see what he can do. The guy said it might just be a lose wires or something so Trey is going to borrow Josh's equipment and they can take it apart and check it out. Worse case scenario, I'll get a new one. I don't want to spend much to fix a computer that's given me problems from the start if it's going to cost almost as much to buy a new one.

Then we went around to a couple of Game Stops looking for some game that sounded like it was a Fisher Price game but apparently it's not lol. We also did one of the Insanity videos today. It was like cardio abs or something. I did ultimate cardio (or something like that) last week and I was so sore! I don't think I'm going to be as sore from this, but I can definitely feel it in my abs, obliques, and back. Then we tried to go to this Italian place called D'Caprio's or something but once we got there we figured out it was closed. (I told Trey we should've called first...) Then we tried another Italian place called the Villa, but after standing around for 5-10 minutes and not being able to find anyone who worked there to be able to even help us figure out whether it was seat yourself or not we decided to go. Then we tried Brunos Little Italy, which had gone out of business... So we said screw Italian and went somewhere we knew was open and would have good service, The Pantry! It's German food and it was the place Trey and I went on our first date.
The food was really good and our server was awesome.

After dinner we went back home and Josh and Brendon came over. I got to play cards with them some before I headed back home. We played Cards Against Humanity and it was so much fun! At 9pm when I had to leave, Josh had 3 points/cards, Trey had 2 points/cards, Brendon had 5 or 6 points/cards and I... I had 9 points/cards! I was dominating! lol

I had a really good day, and I genuinely feel happy now. Trey and I had some really good talks through out the day and while cuddling.. it definitely made me feel better. I'm really excited for Wednesday morning, we're going to go climb Pinnacle Mountain in the morning (hopefully) before it gets too hot.
Oh, and I'm also hanging out with Heather on Thursday!

I have my first meeting with a counselor tomorrow at 10:30... I'm really nervous. I tried to convince Trey to get a wig and maybe squinch down low and do a higher pitched voice and go for me, but I don't think he's gonna do it lol.
So pray that everything goes well tomorrow morning for me, please? The first meeting is usually an hour and a half, then after that it'd be an hour normally, I think. I'm just afraid it's going to be like:
Therapist: "So what issues are you having?"
Me: "Ummm, what issues am I not having?!"
Aaauugh. I just feel like there's so much wrong with me. Anyways, I plan to walk or run in the morning, then go to the store with my Mom, then to my appointment so I should probably be getting off.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers please!

MO' PICTURES!

This was around finals last winter.

 

Yes, I was taking these pictures with my phone in the bathroom... don't judge, I'm sure you've done it before too.

 

This was in the locker room one Friday back in April. I had just gotten to the gym and was about to work out when I started feeling silly.

 

Mo' stuff from hobby lobby!

 

Back in late February or early March before the wedding got postponed, I went to David's Bridal to try on dresses. Being naive, I didn't realize I had to make an appointment to actually try the dresses on, so I just looked around. I found this. I should've bought it then anyways, but oh well. Too late now. When I do get married, I want this in my hair.

 

Wet hair, don't care!

This is what I chose to wear today. You like?

 

Once again, pictures in the bathroom.. lawlz.

 

If I do say so myself, I'm quite mature for my age.

Sorry my halo is glowing so bright

 

In the nursery by myself, since there weren't any babies at church this morning.
My hair lays better now that it's dry.

 

Pose!

So this morning I managed to get my butt out of bed when my alarm went off at 7:00 which I was surprised by because I'd been staying up later (midnight or 1am) to please and to spite my mother.

Anyways, I got up and got ready to go walking. (I might've actually ran if I hadn't of brought my Mom's cd player which wasn't non-skip.) I went out and walked down to the track and the gate I normally go in was locked, so I decided to hop the fence where it was kind of torn and bent down, and there wasn't any barbed wire at that spot. While walking around a few times I noticed a couple at the other gate who were just standing there for a minute, then they left.

That's when I noticed the gate that I was too lazy too walk around to, but that I'd planned to leave through was locked as well. Awesome! I was locked inside a gate which was surrounded by barbed wire. I could just envision the police coming and me having to explain everything. I kind of felt like a hamster that was trapped in it's running wheel.

Starting to get more worrisome, I went up the bleacher steps to look at other spots of the gate. I noticed one spot where the fence had been pushed down about a foot and managed to shimming between that and the barbed wire.

After getting out I walked around some neighborhoods for a while before coming back to shower.

I have to be leaving for the nursery now, but I just wanted to share my little adventure with you all.

Thank Jesus I made it out! I was starting to fear I was going to have to climb over the barbed wire.

I really wish I had a webcam right now.. my Dad's laptop doesn't have one. I'm just gonna ramble...

I'm kind of upset. No worries, I'm not like in a bad place or anything. I'm just sad and frustrated and disappointed and a little angry.

I went to the library yesterday and today and I got some books on like self help stuff. The two I got yesterday I don't think will really be very helpful, but I got three today. One on relaxation stuff and stress, one on  depression management, and one on eating disordered stuff.

I started reading one of them and it got me upset being I'm like "Woooww, I'm really fucked up."

I mean, I know I can fix myself, I've done it before.. I think I'm realizing to some extent, I'm a product of my environment. Now I don't mean that to push the responsibility off of me. I'm my own person and I ultimately control what kind of a person I am, I just think a lot of the shit I'm going through now has been caused or is a build up of stuff from when I was younger and growing up. I don't know, it's hard to explain without really getting into it.

It's just scary now. And Tuesday at 10:30, I have an appointment with a counselor at the college. I hope it's a woman. I think that's part of the reason I'm scared. I'm going to have to go to this complete stranger and admit to all my faults and lay out how fucked up I am. And I don't want to have to tell another person my issues because I'm ashamed and embarrasses.

I just wish it'd all go away. The anxiety.. the depression.. I wish I could just insert a chip and automatically have all the good coping skills and push delete and all the unhealthy coping skills disappear. I wish the need to feel in control would go away, so I'd be more able to go with the flow and now freak out if I don't know what the exact plan is. I wish I could express myself better so I wouldn't end up throwing temper tantrums when I don't get my way. I wish I knew what it is that triggers my anxiety. Sometimes I can tell what it is and other times it comes out of no where for no apparent reason and I can't help or control it.

I really wish I could say all this to Trey right now, but he's gone to bed. I also wish I could get a big hug from him, but he's at drill this weekend.

I need to go to Staples and find the "easy" button!

 

P.S. Once I get my computer fixed, even if I get to move back to Trey's, I really should do my best to write more on here. It's helpful when I can just ramble and get my thoughts out. I'm still a upset, but I'm not as upset as when I started writing this.

These are pictures which I've taken with my phone over the last couple of months and I finally got around to uploading them...

 

This was in some boutique Erin and I went to when I went up to Fayetteville last week. I liked it

 

This is my breakfast from Friday morning. I made an omelette with 3 egg whites, diced up yellow squash, diced up tomatoes (tomatoes and squash compliments from my neighbors garden), a little ranch, and a sprinkle of black pepper and greek seasoning... it was amazing.

 

And this was it while it was cooking...

 

This was an aisle at hobby lobby. SO PRETTY & COLORFUL!

 

These were also at hobby lobby. So cute :3 Oh, and the bottom of the mugs have a little black heart in it and along the rim it says "I found the one my heart loves."

 

Trey's driving face lol. This was on the way down to Corpus Christi June 3rd.

 

One of the red snappers Trey and I caught on a deep sea fishing trip being filleted.

 

The red snappers filleted.. and one left headless but whole.

 

KITTY VISION!!!! Trey's aunt and uncle in Corpus have this cat, Sasha (you'll see her soon), and she loved to sit on the spiral stair case and watch everything. So I stole her idea and this was my view. hehe

 

I was walking around the mall yesterday, killing time before I met up with Joe and his friends to watch the Arkansas game at Creagans, and I found this sign in a shop and thought it was awesome!

 

A map I took a picture of down around Corpus. We went in a couple of those waters and then out far for the deep sea fishing trip.

 

MAX!

 

Maxwell.

 

Cutie

 

I love this little boy.

 

AAAWWWWW!!!

 

Look at the camera Max...

 

There we go!

 

In case you're wondering, this is my primary baby in the nursery. I have others occasionally... but he's for sure my favorite. Shhh! Don't tell. These pictures are from a little but ago, but he's like 11 months now.
He's growing up too fast!

 

This is the first fish I ever caught! (I look like shit, but in my defense it was muggy outside and I'd just pulled my hair back because I thought I was going to have to fillet my catch.. Thank Jesus Trey's Aunt Beth did all of ours! She's really sweet!)

 

Lol. This is a picture Trey took of me back in April when I passed out on the bed while studying. I was so dead lol.

 

This is Sasha I was telling you about!

 

Close up!

 

We bonded.

 

I miss this cat.

 

"What'cha doing?"

 

This is my sunburn... stupid spray on sunscreen...

 

The lighting makes it look a lot less red, but anyways. Trey got a laugh out of this.

 

Friday night before we left Sunday for the trip, I "accidentally" hit a glass decorative egg shaped candy jar against a weight and it cut my hands up everywhere and slice a big, deep chunk out of my thumb.

 

I bought liquid bandage to put on it and HOLY FUCKING HELL that shit BURNED! It felt ten times worse than peroxide. Like legit, felt like someone was digging a knife into it for a good two minutes after I applied it.

 

Random flowers from Aunt Beth's yard/garden.

 

Beach! And the "ghost ship".

 

WATER!

 

I wandered into Victoria's Secrets while at the mall the other day... Patriotic!!.. no?

 

HAHAHAHA! I love this.

 

Coffee. My mother made me feel completely inadequate after using her keurig since I left mine at Treys. I used my own K-cup though. And I have my own so I know how to use it properly. She flipped out thinking I wouldn't have cleaned it properly after using it. Though after she made me feel like absolute shit, she looked at it and it was fine. Thanks "mommy."

 

So yeah, those are a bunch of random pictures which I've been meaning to upload for forever. Hope you enjoyed!

I guess the first thing to put would be I kind of attempted suicide... I almost OD'd.

 

Thursday I wound up getting really pissed off and Trey and I got into a fight and I'd already taken some sleep aids to put me to sleep since I'd felt like shit the last two days. (I guess I had a li'l bug or something?)

 

This probably added to the fuel and made me extra irritable and irrational.

 

When he'd gotten home from the movies with his friends I'd already taken 6 tylenol PM and several ibuprofen PM.

 

He wanted to me to go stay at my parents house for a few days to a week to calm down and work on fixing us because we'd had a few spats lately and things had been getting tense.

 

I tend to overreact to stuff, plus I was jacked up on pills already so I refused and made a big deal out of it.

 

He called my Mom and convinced my parents to come out and try to get me to go with them. (This is around 9pm) We wound up agreeing that they would come Saturday (This was Thursday, June 14th) and help me get some stuff and I'd go then. So they left then.

 

While my parents, Trey, and his Dad were all talking, I'd taken more ibuprofen PM and I'd also taken taken three of his Dad's painkillers for his knee. [I have no idea what they were.]

 

After they left, Trey put me to bed (since I was almost falling asleep when I was talking to my Mom) and told me not to do anything stupid and I promised I wouldn't.

 

Brendon was coming over for a little bit to hang out so Trey went downstairs. I might've taken more while I was upstairs alone.. I'm pretty sure I did, but I don't have a lot of memory from that night. After counting how many were left in the bottle and knowing it was a bottle of 80 to start with I discovered I took like 60 ibuprofen PMs.

 

I came down REALLY FUCKED UP and did stupid shit and was incoherent so Trey called my parents again, because my Mom had made a big deal over him taking me to the ER last time when I'd taken 12 tylenol PM. [Though honestly, I was a lot worse this time. A LOT.]

 

I'd apparently scratched my wrist a few times while I was out of it. Trey was pissed so he took my ring back (he also took it back so my Mom couldn't pawn it or anything).

 

I came home and my Mom watched over me all night until I passed out around 5am. She stayed up all night.... I also ended up projectile vomiting everywhere around 3am. ...It's probably the only reason I'm alive now.

 

Friday morning after having to have my Mom explain how'd I'd gotten to their house since I didn't remember a lot, I went over to get my stuff from Trey's house. He was pissed at me.

 

We're back to girlfriend/boyfriend status. I'm living at my parents for now. I'm working on fixing my problems because truth be told, I have a lot of issues.

 

He says he's proud that I'm working on fixing myself now and he already sees progress.

 

I hate myself for what I did. I hate what I did to him. I definitely learned a lesson.

This is the long version. I will also try to type up a shorter version for those who want to know but don't want to read a lot. (I'd suggest reading this one though ) A lot of this is copied from a message I sent @listenslikespring on facebook Saturday and now I've added some details and some updates.

I  guess I'll fill you in on some of what's happened. It's really complicated, but last Thursday I got locked out of the house while Trey was gone with his friend to a movie. It was hot and humid, so I got pissed plus I had gotten stuff from walmart, some of what needed to be refrigerated. (I’d also felt like crap the last two days so prior to going to walmart, I’d taken a little bit of sleep aid to help me sleep off whatever bug I had. After a little while, I figured the medicine wasn’t going to kick in so I went to walmart. I wasn’t sleepy later on, but I think it definitely made me more irrational and pissy. ) I got pissed and text some fucked up shit to Trey. He said I should go spend some time and my parents (a few days- a week) to calm down and help us fix things. I feared it'd be a permanent break. Once his family got home after an hour and a half of being stuck outside, I took 6 tylenol PM, and I eventually ended up taking a total of almost 40 ibuprofen PM before the night was over. (Later when I was upstairs I think I got into more pills because I remember spilling them and having to put some back in the bottle. I ended up taking like 60 pills.) He called my parents and convinced to them come over to help “persuade” me to leave. I refused, and he also told them all the problems I’d been having recently (lying, making myself sick sometimes, sneakiness, and my previous almost OD) they finally agreed to leave once we'd work out that I could stay until Saturday, then they'd come help me get my stuff together and come to their house for a little while.
While they were outside talking everything out, I also took 3 of his dad painkillers for his knee (I have no idea what they were).
He put me to bed while I was still fine and went downstairs to unwind with his friend. Before leaving me to go to bed, he had me promise not to do anything stupid. I promised. I wanted to come clean that I’d already done something stupid, but I figured I was just going to pass out for a while and sleep it off. I came down later completely out of it (I only know this because he told me this later). I sprayed cooking spray all over the stove and Kessa told him she thought something was wrong with me. He took me up stairs and asked if I’d taken anything and I just stared at him, like I was stoned or high; so he ask how many I took and I said six. (I guess I was referring to the tylenol PM only?) He knew I’d taken more than that since the last time when I took 12 I wasn’t this fucked up. He told me to show him what I’d taken so I gave him the empty bottle of tylenol and some Mexican skull carcass thingy (souvenir from Mexico) and told him it’d be easier to put it in this.  After a lot of incoherent shit he said he was going to call my parents and I said, “No Connor! Don’t do that.” About 12:30am  they came and got me. They brought me home and let me act weird and watched me while I was over there. Apparently I became obsessed with Connor’s calculator and kept pushing buttons on it, and I put a headband on with a bow on it and hid two behind my tv. I also complimented Connor on his “really wavy” hair. I talked a bunch and only some of it was understandable. I think I kept referring to Trey as David at one point.  I ended up projectile vomiting everywhere about 3am (including on my poor Mom :/ ) which is probably really good, because it got that junk out of my system. The next morning I woke up completely confused as to why I was here and how I got here. I went over to Trey's and he was really mad at me. He's taken my ring back (partially because he was pissed at me and partially because he was afraid my Mom would try to pawn it to cover my first ER bill [which has yet to come in]) and I'm down to GF status. Plus I can't live at his parent’s house anymore. It's not up to him. His parents say so. I'm stuck at my parents until we get our own place. I think I may have been trying to OD... I just don't want to admit it. (But to be honest, I was. I felt everything degrading and crumbling down and I thought Trey was sending me away for good. I’ve always said I never wanted to live without him. I guess that my way of trying to not have to live without him. I was trying to not have to live anymore.)
I wish I could go back though. I really think I learned my lesson this time. I'm ready to be 100% honest and behave (as in, not make myself sick), I definitely won't abuse drugs anymore, and I'll be calm and go with the flow. But I ruined it. I can't cuddle with Trey anymore at night, or wake up to him bugging me to get up, I can't hug him whenever I want. Right now I can't even go over there. (This changed. I finally got to go over there Wednesday and hang out.) He said maybe after a week or so if I apologize to his parents, but he doesn't see them ever letting me come back for good. (He is sounding more hopefully about me possibly being able to after a WHILE.. like no time soon.)
It really sucks. And I really am sorry. And I just wish I could take everything back. I was so depressed Friday I didn't want to eat all day. I eventually agreed to go to eat with my Dad because I know I can't starve. And I got to see Trey for lunch today [Saturday] so I managed to eat lunch, but I had to force myself to eat dinner (which was my leftovers from lunch plus a little extra shrimp). It's hard. The only reason I'm forcing myself to stay healthy and strong is because I know I have to in order to keep Trey. I love him and he still loves me. I just really want to move back in with him.
Aside from the army and aside from me working the nursery, neither of us have jobs. We have to start looking. Then I need to find cheap apartments. I just want to be back with him. I don't like living with my parents. It's not home. My heart considers home where Trey is.

So that's what's happened recently. I meant to update about my trip to Corpus Christi, which was amazing, and add lots of pictures; then the day I was going to do that I found out that one of the kids I take care of at my churches nursery has Hopkin's Lymphoma (a lymph node cancer). When I heard about it she had been through chemo once and had her second treatment scheduled for tomorrow. I love Max (her almost one year old) and Quinn (I want to say he's like 6 y.o.?), and she and her husband are such nice people, so I was really distraught.

Plus my laptop screen is still broken (I'm at the library now and other times I've been on it was with my Dad's computer), so getting on the computer's hard. Oh, and Wednesday and Thursday I felt like shit.

I'm doing better now and I'm really working hard on fixing my problems so Trey and I can have a good, healthy relationship; and so I can be healthy and happy in general. Erin swooped me away to Fayetteville Sunday as soon as I got out of church and I was there until Tuesday. She's trying to be a good sister. I guess it was better than me moping around my house.

Anyways, I'm going to go now because I could ramble for a while and this is already really long. I'll put a summary version up at some point (I don't have much time left on computer so not until maybe this evening or tomorrow though.

I'm trying, I really am. Prayers and thoughts would be appreciated. [For me and for Jessi! That's Max and Quin's Mom!]