Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a
battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son,
The battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

“I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles.” - Wintergirls

Fairytales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

 “Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains two descriptions: might have, and should have.
”
- Louis E. Boone

"Courage is not defined by those who fought and did not fall, but by those who fought, fell and rose again." - Adrienne Rich

"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
― Gerard Way

I guess after my post last night I owe it to you all to let you know I'm still alive.

I didn't do anything too stupid.

I did brake this little glass, egg shaped, candy bowl from Easter by slamming it into a metal weight. It shattered everywhere and I have multiple cuts on my hands. It also took a big chunk out if my thumb. I made a mess and bled all over the blankets, my jeans, the bed, and then once I text Trey to come upstairs, I bled on the floors walking to the bathroom.

It's nothing too serious. I'll live. The salt water at the beach is going to be a bitch though.

After that I tried to be smarter. I felt really sad, hurt, and I was tired of living; so I made sure that I went down stairs where I would at least be around Trey, his friend, and his family. It's not like I really interacted with them much; I just thought it was better than being in a room upstairs, with only my thoughts to keep me company.

Today will be better. Trey and I have to pack for the trip tomorrow.

Sorry if I worried you all. I saw that I had several comments on my previous post, so I'm going to go read them now. I just wanted to let you know I was alive, and hadn't done anything too stupid.

I don't want to be alive anymore. I'm tired of bullshit and pain.

Considering taking a shit ton and pills.

Trey won't give a fuck because he has a friend over so he won't be able to send me to the ER this time.

Yesterday was long and sucky.
Actually, it started out okay. Around five, Trey wanted to go running but I wanted to go around 7:30 or eight when it wasn't so sunny and wasn't 90 degrees outside. We ended up going and it was hot and I was frustrated and I don't handle heat well so I got kind of pissy with Trey.
We finished, came inside and showered, then ate. I've been having a kind of hard time and due to some of my actions in the past, Trey's patience with me isn't the best.
He was playing one of his games and I had a headache from the heat earlier, so I decided to take something for it. I took tylenol PM for my head and so I could go to sleep easily. (It was about eight now and I was sad, frustrated, worried, and just tired of having stupid little fights and arguments.) First I took eight.. I know, I know. Not good. Then, maybe two minutes later I took another four. Total count: 12.
I lied down to watch tv and pass out and I couldn't get comfortable. I kept having these jerks or twitches.
I attempted to text Trey, "I'm out of water. Wanna do me a favor and make me some?" HOWEVER, after looking at my sent messages today it says, "Wanna eo my hqve? Iwant totk makebme some?! "
That's when Trey became alarmed.
He asked if I'd been drinking or why I couldn't text. I swore I hadn't drank a thing but I slurred my words. He did the finger moving thing in front of my eyes and smelled my breather. My eyes were blood shot he said and they were shaky.
I got up to pee and I was stumbley. He made me go up and down the stairs without holding the rail as a test and I passed (surprisingly!).
He laid down with me, begging for me to tell him what was wrong or what I'd done. He knew something was off but I kept just saying I was tired. Apparently, I was talking so slurred that he could barely understand me and I was acting like someone who was high. I kept jumping from subject to subject and I couldn't focus or think straight. He kept asking if I'd drank something but I hadn't! He asked if I took him and I said tylenol and he asked if it was night time and I said yes. First time I told him 7, I think? Then we asked later and I told him 6.. whoops. I couldn't concentrate. I wound up admitting to the 12.
He FORCED me to go to the ER. When we got there, he told them he thought I'd overdosed on tylenol. They took my blood when I got there around 10pm, again at 12am, 3am, and at 7am. I had to stay overnight in the ICU (intensive care unit) and I was suppose to be able to leave at 7am, but the doctor wasn't there and the nurses thought he wanted me to have my blood drawn again at 11am, so I had to stay 'til then. No one came at 11, he was suppose to see me too then, but he never showed. So by 11:30am I signed a release sheet and left.
This is going to end up costing me a shit ton.
Everyone there thought I was suicidal.

I hate that I put Trey through that, I really do. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with that.
He's worried about me. :/

I was not trying to hurt myself or kill myself. I was just sad and wanted to sleep for a while. I wanted to escape.
That's all I wanted; just to escape and not be sad for a while.

Oh yeah...

Last semester I had a horrible professor in Sociology and she was constantly losing peoples papers and stuff. Well, the last paper we handed in (on the day of the final), she lost mine. Unfortunately, between the time I saw my grades on that and when I turned it in, my little brother sent me an email and crashed my computer- meaning I lost everything! She also had my attendance missed up, I had 22/25 and that was wrong. I had gone to every class with the exception of the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, but that was because I'd had nose surgery and couldn't come in. I made sure I gave her a doctors note though. She have my those points because she couldn't prove that I hadn't come; however, for the paper, she insisted I must not have turned it and resent it to me to redo it if I wanted to make it up. I did it and got a 10 out of 10 on it, and pulled my original B to an A! Go me!

So now my GPA from last semester is a 3.6

I'm bored, so I suppose I'll update.

I had my final final on Tuesday. There were a few trick questions that I realized I fell for when I reviewing it later in the day and that kind of annoyed me. I should still be able to pull a B though. I've done pretty well this semester in anatomy and physiology 2, with the exception of the second test. The weekend I should've/would've been studying for that was the day before Trey (and I technically, but it was moreso his decision) decided to postpone the wedding. So I felt all hurt and was really depressed and having a hard time that weekend. I spent it at my parents because he had drill and because I felt so depressed all I did was mope around and sleep a bunch, rather than study. I got some studying done that Monday, but the test was on Tuesday and I guess because I was distracted, mentally exhausted, hurt, sad, depressed, unfocused, etc. I didn't do very well on the test at all. So I've been having to pull myself up from that the rest of the semester. It was a really bad score, but the rest of by tests and quizzes I've done well on, so it should even it out.

My final in World Civ. 1 was hard. Hell, the whole semester in that class was hard. But, at least I know not to take that professor for Civ. 2! He's super hard. We had 19 papers to write all semester and some of the readings were like 50 pages long. The top 10 papers count as 60% of your overall grade, then the midterm counts as 20% and the final as 20%, unless you do better on the final in which case, the  midterm is dropped and the final counts as 40%.
The midterm consists of two parts. You are given eight IDs and you have to answer five of them. IDs can be any noun the professor has talked about in lecture. You have to name who or what it is, when is happened, what was it's significants, and one other thing. Then you had two options for essay questions and you picked one and wrote about it.
The final was pretty much the same, but it was obviously over the whole semester and it had three parts. It had the eight IDs, five of which you had to answer, and two essay questions.
The final was brutal, but I did pretty well on the papers, so I think I should be able to pull a B. An A is hopeless. I know this one girl who is a history major, who has gotten A's in all her history class, and she took world civ 1 with this dude, and made a C. He's hard! [If anyone who reads this perhaps plans on going to University of Arkansas at Little Rock, do NOT take Dr. Anson for World Civ! Seriously.]

I should have an A in Intro to Dance and Theatre, I know I have an A in First Year Experience (actually, I have a 103% lol, but bad they don't give extra points towards your GPA for having over 100%) and I'm unaware of my grade in Comp 2. We had four papers to write. The first one I got a B on, the second one I got a C on (I had some stupid mistakes, but the professor lets you revise any papers you aren't satisfied with, so I revised that one and handed the new one in with my final portfolio), I made an A on my third paper, and the fourth paper we handed in the next to last day of classes, so I don't know what I made on that. I had more than plenty of the in class writings, perfect attendance, and I actively participated in class discussions so assuming my improved paper was better and my final paper was good I should be able to get an A. If not, the worst I would get should be a B, but I think I'll have an A. During our consultation day meeting, he commented that there were more talented writers in the class, but I definitely put forth a lot of effort and he could see that. And that I have really good work ethic. [So he basically said my writing wasn't that good, but I have good worth ethics... thanks dude. I can see the compliment in there, but that was sort of a insult too.] I guess I'm okay with that though, because I don't plan on majoring in English or anything, so having good work ethic is more important and will get me farther than just being a talented writer. (?)

I'll be excited for tomorrow and noon because that's when final grades have to be posted in BOSS. If I'm correct, I should have a 3.6 GPA (for this semester and for my whole freshman year)!

I'm in a really shitty mood this morning. I had a really bad dream last night and just wanted to cling to Trey and cuddled with him and be around him. I didn't want to go on a stupid family outing that was supposed to only last until like 11am or noon, because we were supposed to leave around 8am. I just wanted to be around Trey 'til I had to go to work.

He was going to make me chicken bacon, eggs, and potatoes for lunch!

Then once his Mom was done bitching and complaining and yelling around [like usual] and Kessa finally got her ass moving and ready, it was after 10am. We finally got everyone in the car and his fucking Mom was like "Reilly, do you have work today?" I was like "Yeah..." Trey asked if we were going to take that long. If we were back by three at the latest, I'd still be fine. And Lisa was like, "Well, I wanna go to this place and it's like an hour away and we might take two-three hours there, then it's an hour back and we might make pit stops on the way home."

Hey stupid bitch! You were just complaining that we have to make the food in the fridge last all week because you don't have money for groceries {WHILE COMPLAINING THAT YOU HAD TO DRIVIN' TO GET CIGARETTES! BECAUSE CLEARLY CIGARETTES FOR YOUR FUCKING NICOTENE CRAVINGS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HAVING FOOD!!!} Now you want to go driving around for several hours wasting gas and spending a shit ton of money antiquing?! What the fuck. No wonder you're in bankruptcy you dumb bitch!

So I had to get out of the car and go inside to get my shit packed together, so I could go to my parents house until work today then be able to spend the night there since Trey's having "guy time" with Josh tonight, and then have stuff in the morning to go work the nursery in and stuff to study so I can kill time and not be bored around here. Oh, and I had to feel rushed trying to get all my shit together while not forgetting anything because they wanted to lock the door when I left so they couldn't leave until I got my stuff together.

I had a really bad dream last night. I'm not having a good morning. My feelings are hurt. And I feel sad now.

I wanna crawl in a ball and cry.

A quick complaint. The day before yesterday Trey's parents went to the store. I guess they don't keep up with inventory because yesterday I had to run out to the store at 6:00pm to go get toilet paper. I would've said fuck it and just let them been screwed when one of them got in desperate need, but I realized I have to pee a lot and if I didn't go out to get some I would be screwed too. [If it wasn't for I knew I shouldn't do it, I would've bought some and kept it to myself, or only let Trey and myself use it.] This is not my house. I realize I use some of the toilet paper here, but it should not be my responsibility to keep up with that. In my household, my Mom made sure we always had paper. Like I'm pretty sure any good parent would do. {Spiteful comment: I bet they wouldn't have been that careless to completely run out of cigarettes.}

This morning, I also unloaded the dishwasher because it was completely full and washed the sink full of dishes that were in the sink. It's not because I wanted to or that I wanted to be nice towards his parents. I was just sick and tired of living in the constant mess. These people are pigs.

Touching on Friday night...

While at work I got a text from Trey asking if I'd ate one of Cara's yogurt. I replied "no sir"

<side note: I was accused the day before of eating the other half of Trey's bag of pork skins... didn't happen. I hate pork skins.. they're nasty.>

He told me everyone was saying I did. I swore I hadn't. I buy my own yogurts, so I had no reason to eat hers. (Besides, I don't like the kind she buys.) Then he text me: "Reilly.. I was told people found towels that were vomited in. God damn it Reilly."

"Trey I didn't I swear!"

"They said they had to clean the shower curtain. Reilly... you lied to me again. I am done. You're going home and getting help. I'm calling your Mom."

"I want to know who is saying this because I haven't done either of those things. I didn't take any ones yogurt and I haven't made myself sick since the last time you found out about it."

"I don't believe it. My dad wouldn't lie to me, You're going home. I'm serious now."

"But I didn't! Trey, I'm serious!"

"I. Don't. Believe. You. You're going away and it's final. I can't handle this anymore."

"Trey, I swear on everything we have. I didn't do it"

"No Reilly. Not anymore, not again."

{Coming to a confession. Back in January, due to a lot of accumulated stress I coped in an unhealthy way. I made myself sick a few times and got busted. I denied it a lot and swore I didn't, then the next day once Trey had calmed down I had to admit it. I worked on doing better and did for a couple weeks then missed up again and when I missed up I got caught. Basically, I stumbled three or four times, and was stupid and lied about it after getting busted. The fourth time I at least admitted to it after I was caught rather than denying it for a while. So I'm learning. But the point is, since the time I had to admit to it, I've behaved. I haven't "misbehaved" as Trey calls it.}

At this point Madison was up at the hostess stand and I told him I was about to get kicked out for bullshit I didn't do and to run the board. I went into the bathroom and called Trey. I swore up and down that I didn't do anything this time.

{My problem is the last time I slipped up, Trey's whole family found out. Before his Dad and Mom knew because his Dad has really good intuition and can read people and pick up on things, and his Dad told his Mom. The last time I acted up, both his sisters found out. One of his sisters Cara, can be a bitch and apparently has a problem with me.}

Trey said his Dad had been told that the girls had been bringing down towels from the bathroom that had been thrown up in. 1) Trey goes with me to the bathroom now. If I go pee, he goes in there. If I need to take a "private potty", he stands outside of the door and I talk with him. I only shower in the morning, or if I shower after I get home from school on a day I worked out, I haven't ate in like 6 hours. It would be impossible for me to misbehave. 2) The girls bring towels down?! Bullshit! They're lazy. 3) If there had really been any evidence found, they would've called Trey in or actually shown Trey's Dad. Trey nor his Dad saw evidence. I think someone made up bullshit about me.

Basically, we ended with him not believing me, me being kicked out, and he was starting to attack my parents for not caring enough to get me help. My phone died and I went out to work. I tried to get a manager to call Jalen (a former employee, who could run the board) in to take over, but he said I'd have to talk to Dan about that and I asked if he could ask him for me. Dan came and pulled me away since I was basically crying up there and made me tell him what was wrong. He talked with me and told me I'd basically have to stick it out. He wasn't completely insensitive about it, he tried to help me calm down and realize everything would be okay, then had me wash my face off and get some water before returning to the board.

The rest of the night sucked as I worked through a fairly busy night, trying not to burst into tears. Once I was off work and to my car I allowed myself to cry some on the way home. Then I got in and went straight to the kitchen to get some trash bags. I started putting on my clothes in the bags and getting my stuff together, with plans to leave in the morning. [After sleeping on the couch, because I was not sleeping in the same bed with Trey before he kicked me out.] He came back home and sat in the room, watching me tidy my stuff up. He suggested maybe he should go stay somewhere else for the night, but I said I figured I would sleep on the couch downstairs. It was his house after all. A minute later he asked if I resented him. And I said, honestly, a little. He said maybe we should talk about it then. I said what's the point, you're going to believe you're family over me anyways. Eventually, we talked it out and he ended up apologizing and finally believing me.
He cuddled me to sleep and was uber sweet in the morning. I woke up to him giving me kisses on the forehead. {I feel extra special when he kisses me on the forehead }

The new plan is that I'm going to be with Trey 24/7 when I'm home. He trusts me and believes me now. I also learned I have enemies in the house. I guess I have to watch my back now. Oh, and I am not going to misbehave anymore. It's not worth hurting myself or Trey. I love Trey more than that. I wish I could take it back.

I was originally going to briefly touch on Friday and then primarily talk about last night, but that took a lot more time and space than I had planned. I guess I'll try to write tomorrow or some time soon about the shit that hit the fan yesterday.

I guess when you look at it, my and Trey's relationship is not traditional.

We technically "met" in comp last semester August 18th. Met as in, everyone in the class introduced themselves to the whole class. We made eye contact a few times and what not over the weeks and occasionally talked a little. September 20th, he caught up with me after class and suggested we hang out or grab coffee sometime. Clearly I said yes, and he gave me his number to text him some time. After I got out of my next class I did and we started talking from there. September 28 we had our first date. He followed me to my house from school and then drove me to this German restaurant called "The Pantry". I'd never really ate authentic German food, but I was down for a new adventure. We talked and really hit it off. That next Sunday, October 2nd, he picked me up again and took me out for another new adventure. He took me to the shooting range. I had never shot before but I had a blast! Call it beginners luck, but I out shot him with his own gun! We were using an AK47 and it was so much fun. After that we went by his house. He introduced me to his parents and little sister, and his mom invited me to stay for dinner. We hung out in his room and talked for a while and he played guitar {beautifully} while we waited for dinner to be ready. His sister came up to tell us that food was ready a little later, and right before going down he told me he wanted to ask me a question. "What would you think about us being a couple?" *big smile* "I'd be down with that."

The next weekend, October 9th, we went to climb Pinnacle Mountain. He'd never been before, so it was my turn to show him something new. It was great. He was impressed with how athletic I was/am. We did forget water so I died by the time I got to the top lol. After recovering though, we sat at the top and enjoyed the breeze and gorgeous view. The night before we had been texting and he told me he had something he wanted to tell me today. He looked in my eyes and said [something along the lines of] he had been thinking and at first he thought he was crazy, but he felt positive about it so he thought it was best I knew... He knew we'd only been together a week, but he felt strongly that he loved me. He fully acknowledge that it sounded ridiculous, but it didn't freak me out. I felt strongly about him too. I told him I wanted to wait to say it back because I've been in a situation before where someone said it to me and I said it back because I felt obligated to and it didn't feel right. So I wanted to make sure I was 110% positive before saying it to him. Later that day while we were cuddling in his room, I said, "You know what, I love you too." It sounds crazy, but it you feel a certain way about someone you should tell them. A weeks not a lot of time, but I was certain about it and so was he.

October 30, as we were lying in bed about to go to sleep, we were talking. We got on the topic of this "surprise" he'd been planning for April (which would be when we'd been together for six months), but he was considering doing it sooner. I had a feeling what it was, but I wasn't going to let him know for fear of being wrong. He asked what I thought and I said to go with his gut. He asked what if he did the surprise now and I said it was up to him. He was so nervous, it was adorable. He started talking about me and us and the future, and then he asked, "Would you like to be my wife?" With a nod, I said yes. [He had to work the next day, Monday, but...) November 1st, he took me to the mall and we went to Gordons and he let me pick out a ring. That next Thursday, we went to Chili's with my parents and he asked there permission. They expressed slight concern about how fast it was and how young we were, but they said they could see how happy he was making me so they approved.

Most people probably thinks it sounds crazy. I love you after a week and less than six weeks after we started talking, we were engaged. Sometimes when you know, you know. Wednesday will be our seven month anniversary, and I'm still as certain about him as I was when I first said I loved him. He still loves me. The wedding won't be happening as soon as we had originally planned, but we'll still be getting married some day. He's going to be my husband and I get to be his wife. {Teehee, that sounds funny.}

I probably sound young and crazy, but I don't think there necessarily has to be a certain amount of time before you love someone. Sometimes it takes longer to know, and other times, it takes a week. Hell, with my ex, he said it to me and I [feeling obligated] said it back after a month and that turned out horribly. The time doesn't matter. What matters is that he makes me happy and treats me well and respects me. He makes me laugh and he accepts me how I am. He loves me unconditionally and cares for me. He understands me and gets me.

Yeah, we're young. Maybe we're a little crazy. But we love each other, that's all that matters.