I really hate myself right now.

I keep thinking about different ways to off myself.

I could cut my wrists really deeply.

Or try to overdose.

I could shoot myself in the head with one of Trey's hand helds.

I could sufficate myself with a plastic bag or something.

If I could get my hands on a ton of potassium chloride that would do it.

I'm tired of living.

Tired of fucking up.

Tired of being a burden on other people.

It suck for the people around me at first, but shortly after they'd realize they're better off without me.

I bet if I stuck my tongue in an electrical socket it'd do it?

I'm not really what you'd call stable right now.

I switch from being numb to being overwhelmed with emotion.

I hate myself.

I don't see the point of continuing this honestly.

You could say I'm extremely depressed right now.

 

P.S.
Maybe some nyquil could help me stay numb. Or it'd at least knock me unconscious so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of living.

 Dude...

I want this..

...to be in my future house!

That would be amazing!!

I had an exam in anatomy and physiology today.

I felt super nervous when he handed out the test. I felt like I was going to puke.

I couldn't calm down until I was completely done with it. Like when I'd done twenty if the fifty questions, I was feeling good about my answers but I was still nearly shaking just with anxiety about the other thirty questions.

I felt good about it when I was done though. Phew! Thank Jesus. There's one question I legit wasn't sure about and kind of just guessed at it (fill in the blank) and I think I got it wrong. I put proximal convilated tube and I think it's the distal conviluted tube now that I think about it, but oh well.

It was over the renal system, electrolytes and acid/base balance, and the digestive system.

I didn't do so hot on my last exam, but I think that's because I was distracted from the whole wedding being postpone stuff. That happened just a few days before the exam so I was having a break down and being all depressed when I should've/would've been studying and focusing. It didn't break my semester though, I can still pull my grade up if I work really hard.

Now I just have to be patient. I want to know my score now! I hate waiting -.-

I seem to write more so the bad in my life on here than the good. It's not that I'm miserable, I just turn to this when I'm sad rather than when I'm excited. When I'm happy and everything is going great I tend to turn to the outside world. I use this as a place to vent or complain a lot. I guess it's an outlet. I don't want to vent to Trey about how his family drives me crazy on occasions, so I come here. I also talk to my Mom, but I don't want to worry her that I'm miserable so I come here. I am happy though.

Things have been better recently. As of the last week to week and a half things with Trey's Dad have felt better. I haven't gotten that hostile vibe from here. I'm feeling part of the family again, not judge, accept. It's all good again.

Things with Trey and I have been good. I had a slip up in January and I broke his trust a little. Then I was working on fixing it and fell a little again. So I'm working on regaining his full trust and making sure (for myself and for him) that I don't slip again. He's watching me very carefully now. I worry that it makes me a burden more so than a positive addition in his life, but he says as long as I'm being honest with him and behaving then he doesn't care. It's good he cares. If he didn't it'd be a probable, because it would mean he didn't care. I hate that I disappointed him. And the fact that I originally lied to him makes me feel like a failure. He's honest with me, so he deserves nothing but the truth. I'm going to do my best to make sure I stay honest with him and don't slip up ever again.

School's been going good. I've been getting good grades for the most part. And I've improved in my comp 2 class. I'm almost done with the semester which seems crazy. Oh, recent grades:
~ I got an A- on my comp paper I turned in right before spring break.
~ The last two papers I've turned in in world civ. 1 I got a 95 and 92 on.
~ I made a 44 out of 45 on my first year experience class.
~ I made a 91 on my lab exam...
~ Umm... I'm still waiting on grades for my theater class, my professor is uber slow and getting stuff out.
~ I didn't do so hot on my last A&P2 exam, but I was in the middle of a crisis and I'm going to make sure I study more before my next lecture exam (on Thursday) and I've been paying even more attention and studying even more throughout this last section so I should improve.
~ Oh, I made 10 out of 10 on a pop quiz in A&P2, which hardly anyone does good on. Then 8 out of 10 (which should of been 9 out of 10 because one of them I miss marked, ugh.)

It's crazy to think a month from now I'll be in the middle of/nearly done with finals!

Oh, my birthday sucked. I hurt my hand the day before at work. I might've fractured a bone I think, so I couldn't climb Pinnacle Mountain in the morning like I wanted. Trey took me to ihop for breakfast, which was really sweet and good, then I ran a few errand and then had to go to work later. Work sucked, I didn't want to be there. We were super slow and I was forced to work because my manager guilt tripped me about how busy we are in April and no one else knows how to run the board and then he was an ass all night and he made fun out me. He came up to the hostess stand and then laid his arm up there and said to Madison, ohh I hurt my wrist when I laid it up there, don't you hate it when that happens. Maybe I should go bandage it! Because I have an ACE bandage wrap on my hand/wrist to stabilize my fractured bone because I don't want to spend the money to get it casted.  It fucking pissed me off. I was standing up there the whole night, working when we weren't even busy, holding back tears because it was throbbing and holding back tears and he had the audacity to mock me?! I was PISSED!
Plus, he fired one of my favorite people up there for a retarded reason. He was burning rubber in a neighborly parking lot, on his own time, and Dan saw and fired him because he was being dangerous and a liability to the restaurant even though the parking lot was completely empty and he was on his own time.
He was a good, hard worker. Dan was just being a prick.

So work sucks, home life is good. I like working at the nursery (it just doesn't have enough hours for my to just work there. [It's a church nursery so I only work one day a week for 2 1/2 hours]). Trey and I are good. Schools good. I'm good.

And now a few photos from recently...

 

Trey's parents got me easter treats The little monkey thang... when you wind it up, it does back flips! FREAKIN' AWESOME!

 

They also got me a mini birthday cake!

 

How freakin' cute!

 

Oh, and here's the grade I got on my test I took Friday in my first year experience class which I'm so proud of!

That's all

It's my birthday today!

I'm 19

I fucked up my hand at work last night by oh so brilliantly running into a rail.

Once I can type with both hands I'll try to update more...

Aren't I awesome? Lol

A lot has changed since I last updated.

Two Thursdays ago, the 8th, Trey and I went out to dinner with my parents.

They brought up trying to get together with his parents so we can make more wedding plans and begin to get things figured out in more detail.

{By the way, speaking of details. When I went dress shopping on the 3rd, I discovered you have to have an appointment to try dresses on. So I looked around and made an appointment to return the next Saturday.. the 10th.}

Friday, the 10th, my Mom called on the way home from school reminding me that we needed to all get together. I mentioned it to Trey again because I was tired of dealing with it. I'd mentioned it to his Dad twice and both times he'd kind of put it off as jokingly saying stuff like we don't need to meet with those people. I'm way better than them. You know, being silly while actually avoiding the topic. Friday morning before school Trey was talking to his Dad and his dad made some comment about us not having a place to live and Trey not having a job (aside from the army). I was beginning to get the feeling Trey's dad was growing less supportive.

Before getting in the shower, Trey called his mom because she'd be easier to set something up with. Even without the phone being on speaker, I overheard the conversation...

Apparently Trey's parents don't think the timing is good. They don't support us getting married now. They think we should wait until we are more financially stable and have our own place... She also assumed I was the one pushing for this.... He proposed to me. He wanted to get married in March or April, I pushed it back until after graduation. (May 27, 2012) I'm the one who has two jobs and is taking 16 hours this semester.

I went ahead and hopped into the shower before I could hear anymore... I didn't want to hear anymore.
You know what's awesome about showers? You can stick your face under the water and it's hard to tell you're crying.

After Trey got off the phone he came and talked to me. He wanted to make sure I was okay with it and I basically responded I had to be. He thinks it's a good idea (he thinks it sucks too, but he still thinks it's best).

Initial reaction: I felt hurt, sad, confused, numb.

It sucks. I can't tell you how many times I've said those two words describing this. It sucks.

I told Trey he was going to have to tell me parents. He didn't want to but I said I wasn't doing it. Honestly, I think I made him do it as a way of punishment. He was putting it off. He didn't say anything sooner. His parents are responsible for this. They planted this idea in his head.

I texted my Mom later that day and told her I had a lot of homework and studying to do this weekend so we would need to reschedule the wedding dress appointment. I really didn't feel like trying dresses on after that. Sunday at the nursery I had to keep changing the subject when she'd mention it because I didn't want to talk about it or have to lie about it.

Oh, and Friday night at Cajuns. I had a break down. I was texting Trey and we were talking and I lost it. I ran into the womens room as I already had tears streaming down my face and locked myself in the bathroom. I just sat on the floor bawling hysterically. After a few minutes I called TJ at the hostess stand from my cell and told him to call a manager up there because I'd be a minute. After I pulled myself together I walked out and Dan was up there. He went to ask what was wrong and as soon as I went to say "nothing" my voice cracked and I started crying again. He took me up to the office and called David and Ricky to help up front and he made me talk to him and tell him what was wrong. He said I could go home if I needed to, but I told him I just needed a moment and I could pull myself together. I took a quick breather, drank some water, and managed to get it under control. I couldn't allow myself to think about it all night or my eyes would begin to water again.
I cried so much when I got home.

Trey texted my Mom and she wanted us to meet up at Sam's to talk with her and my dad. So we did. Basically, they thought it was a good idea. They kept trying to get me to talk and give my opinion and thoughts, but I just wanted to play with my berry sundae. I didn't want people asking how I was. How do you think I am?!

Tuesday would have been two months and two weeks 'til! I was the one making plans and trying to be productive thinking this was happening. I was looking at dresses and trying to figure out bridesmaid/maid of honor dresses. My Mom had gotten a photographer, and talked to someone about this candle holder decorative piece, and I'd talked to my cousin about the flowers (she does flower arrangements professionally). I had someone set aside to do my hair and make up. I was looking at invitations and trying to come up with a guest list. I was trying to figure out the cake and any food. I was making arrangements with the church and ordered some book we'll need to read first in order to get "approved" by the minister. Someone was about to start setting up a bridal shower for me at the church.
I was being productive and evidentally oblivious! I thought everyone was for this and supported this.

I thought everyone approved of us getting married. I was going to sound like a boat this summer (my initials after I get married will be RSS). I feel stupid. Apparently I'm the only one who thought this was a good thing.

I'd picked out the date and really fallen in love with the sound of 05-27-12

I'm hurt by all this.

I'm upset.

I feel foolish and silly and stupid.

I feel rejected.

I'm mad at his parents for putting this in his head.

I'm mad they didn't say something sooner.

I'm mad they watched quietly while I tried to make plans and get things in order.

I resent them for fucking up our wedding and us getting married then.

I'm angry Trey didn't say something earlier.

I'm angry my parents agree that it's best.

I'm frustrated my sister thinks it's best.

I'm upset that I'm the only one not okay with this.

I'm not happy with this. I'm sad. It hurts.

IT SUCKS.

I don't like it.

I've tried to be strong and not, be too depressed but it's really got me down.

From Thursday night to Friday at noon EVERYTHING changed.

My whole world did a 180 flip.

I don't want to cry in front of Trey a lot or express how upset I am because I know he doesn't like it either, but I hate this. My emotions are all over the place.. I'll feel fine and then all of a sudden something will happen or something and I'm depressed and wanting to cry.

Maybe I'm insecure and want to security of marriage back. I know he loves me and he says he'll never leave me and we'll still getting married someday. I liked having a date. A plan. Plan's make me feel like I know what's going on and make me at least think I have some control on the situation. Now I have none. I have no idea what's going on.

All I know is this sucks.

 

P.S. I'm terrible about replying back to comments so I'm going to tab everyone who was sweet enough to show concern and comment on my previous post. This way everyone can know what that was referring to...  @listenslikespring, @sentimentaldoll, @mamabeans, @greekphysique, @tout_nestpas_parfait, @malestop, @mysoldier_myworld, @mrs_foodlover, @lexisbossy, @doubledb, @lovejennyy, @ccrider17, @sf2slc, @willgojogforicecream, @hushedjournal6,

I feel stupid.

And silly.

And oblivious.

And rejected.

I feel unwanted.

I feel sad.

And stunned.

And scared.

I didn't see this coming.

I had no idea.

Apparently I was blissfully ignorant.

This sucks.

I need to do a real update soon, I know. I am sorry. I've just been busy lately.

I do have a great idea for a post, so hopefully I can get that done this weekend.

What I wanted to be sure to let you all know is...

I'M GOING WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING WITH MY MOMMY THIS MORNING!!!!!

*squeals like a little girl*

jT8h!tr4I$*J48pt-2#%3($u2! I'm so excited!

... my Mom will probably cry like a baby...

So to update just a little real quickly...

I'm now on medication. Yep, I'm crazy....

 

I'd been having really bad anxiety. I think it was two or three Sundays ago it was raining in the morning when I left to go work the nursery at the church. I hydroplained a little and scared myself turning onto a street. Then trying to get on the highway to go back home after church, I hydroplained again and hit the curb. It didn't hurt my car any, nor did it hurt me. Nonetheless, it scared the shit out of me! I started hyperventilating and I couldn't stop until 30 minutes later. I had to drive home having a panic attack and it sucked.

I already didn't like driving (after I totaled my car and almost killed myself in the process last November), but now I hated it. I got stressed out and really anxious driving and if it was wet or raining out, I could barely function. Hell, I don't even like riding in the rain or when it's wet now.

That pretty much set off my anxiety. I've dealt with this in the past, but it was more so eating disorder related stuff.

I also believe why it didn't start in November and held off until January was because I wasn't driving any. The hydroplaining freaked me out, but that was just a little of it. I got a "new" (to me) car on the 4th of January, and this started in like mid-January.

It started consuming my life. I was being short with Trey and I felt so dysfunctional.

I think the worrying about Trey and not knowing if he was going to Afghanistan in a month was starting to wear down on me too. And I started struggling a little with food, but I think that's because I wasn't able to do any exercising pretty much for a month because I was sick and shit. So I started getting anxious and kind of picky with food a little.

I also was just starting school again. So it was school + driving + food + the unknown with Trey + stressing out because I felt out of control with all this anxiety = *head explodes*

I started looking online for anti-anxiety medicine and told Trey about it, but he didn't like the idea of getting something online. I considered going to walgreens or krogers or walmart and talking to a pharmacist about what they suggested for OTC medicine; but, he said he'd prefer I go to a real doctor. So, I finally switched over to a real doctor (before I only had a pediatrician....) and he prescribed me some medicine.

I now take Celexa, it's like a generic citalopram hydrobromide. I take this "calm the fuck down" / "anti-bitch" / "chill" pill once a day. By the way... only I am allowed to call it an "anti-bitch pill" or a "calm the fuck down pill".... you can call it a "chill pill" or anti-anxiety medicine. I'll take offense if you refer to it otherwise.

The doctor also wants me to start counseling... so Thursday I have an evaluation through my colleges counseling service. I'm not excited about it at all, but doctors orders. :/

I like my medicine because it seems to be helping and I feel better. Plus, things with Trey were getting sort of tense because I was snapping at him. He realized why I was doing it, but that doesn't make it okay, nor does it make it any better. He's sweet and understanding, and he's just glad I'm doing better now. He also told me I can talk to him about anything if I need to or want to. God, I'm lucky.

The only thing I don't like about it is that I feel kind of like I'm pathetic because I have to take medicine to be able to function and be okay when everyone else in the world is able to handle this kind of shit. It makes me feel a little dysfunctional and broken. Trey reassured me that it's only temporary and I won't be on it forever, so it's okay. That helps a little, but I still kind of feel pathetic.

*I just did 100 sit ups and 100 push ups.

*I'm impressed with myself.

*School's off to a good start.

*I've started working at the church nursery Sunday mornings... I'm supposedly a paid employee.. though they've never gotten me my W4s or any type of payment...

*Works been good.

*Trey and I have been really good.

*I had a little bit of a rough month most of January but things are back on track and going smoothly again. I'll try to go in depth on that later.

*Still not sure what all is going on with Trey's possible deployment.
He did get into sniper school and switched units. The deployment is just still "up in the air."

*I've been getting into a good, healthy running schedule with Trey.
{Monday, Wednesday, Friday after we get out of our classes at noon, usually doing 1-2 miles. On Tuesday and Thursday we do sit ups and push ups. Weekends for resting.}

*Trey's Mom can be kind of rude sometimes, but she's like that to everyone.
Living here [Trey's parents house] is okay, but I miss our apartment sometimes. I guess I should be thankful this is saving us a lot of money and (sometimes) saving us stress.
It also makes me realize how amazing my Mom is. She's always on top of things and she really is selfless.

*I've been drinking more water lately, and I've cut back on coffee some.

*Hmm, there's one more thing but it's kind of detailed and would need more explanation than I have time for. I need to go to bed in just a few.

However, before I sign off, I want to give a few shout outs!
@Grizzlybearr - Happy birthday Brit! I hope you got spoiled rotten, you deserve it. You're a wonderful Mom, wife, friend, and person. Love you!

@hopethatitglows - I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. Hang in there. I know you have to be in a lot of pain, but it will get better. You just have to give it time. I love you. Don't give up on recovery or yourself. You are worth it. You're strong enough to overcome this. <3

@Ellelarien - Brylee, I know you don't want private messages asking how you are right now, but hopefully you won't mind a shout out I love you so much and it kills me to see you hurting. I wish nothing more than for you to be happy and healthy. Try to take care of yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, lovely, smart, beautiful young girl. You aren't broken or damage. You can beat this and live a happy, healthy life and that's what you deserve. Don't forget that. I love you darling. Don't forget that either. <3