The past has the power to influence who we are today and who we'll be tomorrow...

BUT ONLY IF WE GIVE IT THAT POWER.

Ultimately, we control us.
Live the life you want to live.
Don't let what happened to you or what you've gone through,
control who you are or will be, in a negative way.

Blah! My brain is done.

I've written four papers already today and it's only 1:30pm.

I had to write a "chapter two" to this story called "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas" it's by Ursula K. LeGuin if you want to google it and read it. It's only four and a half papers. I had to make up what happens to the ones that walk away and I did a good job if I say so myself. :Silly:

Then I had to write an introduction letter for my "First Year Experience" (a bull crap class) professor.

And I had to write a paper on what civility means to me for that same professor.

And worst of all of them, I had to write a paper on Hammurabi's Codes... I also had to read of 289 of those yesterday. I explained the importance of social class back in Babylonian society and had to cite the codes that backed up my argument.

Now I just need to read a long ass (50+) chapter in anatomy and physiology 2 over the cardiovascular system and write a paper about defining the theatrical experience or something... but I can't do that until tomorrow because I'm doing it over church service (despite the fact that I'll probably be in the nursery where I work instead of in the actual service), but I can get the gist of what happened from the bulletin and memory from past service and my imagination.

Now I'm off to try to find something in this desert of a kitchen, because there are seriously like no groceries in this house hold. Then I'll be heading off to work soon.

Ta-ta for now

 

If you don't have enough money to provide grocery's for your family (meaning your kids!) then it's time to stop buying your damn cigarettes and begin re-evaluating you priorities! Jesus Christ!

So, I plan on giving a big thank you/shout out to all the wonderful people who left comments and support on my last two posts. However, I don't have time for that right now because I'm leaving to teach sunday school then work the nursery in just a few minutes.

I just want to take a moment to vent about the consideration in the family/house hold.

Note: for the most part I do love living here. I rarely butt heads with people. Seriously, hardly ever. [The post about his Mom last Sunday was blown out of porportion and the first and only time there's ever been an issue.]

So Trey's sick. I would say I think he caught my germs, but he seems miserable and I wasn't that bad aside from hacking up my lungs. I don't know. Maybe what they say about guys not handling being sick very well is true... because he's turned into a baby lol. Nonetheless, he's my baby so I'm going to try to take care of him.

After finally getting off work about 10:30 last night, I ran by krogers on my way home to pick him up some orange juice to surprise him with. He had a glass before bed while I ate some late dinner, then we went to bed.

I got up early this morning so I could get ready to go about my day and Trey's bed in bed all morning. I open the fridge to check to see if there's any creamer - there isn't, boo- and a lot of it is gone.

I just wish people would be a little considerate. I went out late and bought that for Trey because he's sick and feels crappy and no one else in this house is sick. They're just chugging the juice I bought for him. Ugh.

Venting's over. I got to run.

So, continuing on from my last post about what happened Thursday....

 

Trey's Dad had cooked up some stir fry stuff for dinner, so I sat down with Trey to eat, but I wasn't all that hungry so really, I just played with the peas and pieces of onion and stirred it around. After eating, Josh came over to help Trey adjust some game on his computer or some shit like that and I just kind of floated around.
At first I was hanging up in Trey's room with them, but that got boring, so I went down stairs.
Trey's Mom and Dad were watching tv in the living room so I chilled with them for a bit.
His Mom got up to do some random stuff and I just stayed in there and kind of talked with Trey's Dad.

I commened how I didn't like the idea of Trey going away and being in danger for that long, but unlike his Mom, I wasn't going to be all loud and negative about it. [She had made some rude, angry comment about him coming back in a coffin. *rolls eyes*] Anyways... I told his Dad how I had talked to Trey about possibly getting married before he shipped out. Just a simple courthouse wedding and then having a ceremony when he got back. {A wonderful suggestion by the lovely @grizzlybearr, who was a wonderful friend when I needed one Thursday morning. Thank you <3}

He said, "That's not a good idea. When Trey gets back you might not want to get married anymore."

"That's not going to happen. I love Trey with all my heart. I know I want him and nothings going to change that."

"That's not what I mean. Stuff like this will change Trey, and when he gets back he might not want you anymore."

*Drunk/emotionally unstable girls heart completely breaks!*

 >inserts epic sad face here<

My eyes began to water so he asked what was wrong. I told him I didn't like what he was saying and he said it was just the truth. So I left the rooming saying I was going to go hug my man.

On the way up the stairs, I lost it. I began bawling my eyes out.

I ran into Trey's room and crawled into his lap. He kept beginning me to tell him what had happened or what was wrong, but I was crying to hard.

Josh- probably feeling awkward as ever- excused himself saying he was going to go wait outside. [He ended up leaving.]

I finally muttered out "Your Dad said when you get back, you won't want to be with me anymore!" He got angry and told me to lie down on the bed and then he went down stairs and started yelling at his Dad. I couldn't hear what he was saying though, because I was hyperventilating from crying so hard.... I'm talking sobbing! It was bad.

When he came back he said that wasn't what his Dad said and I insisted it was. He said he didn't mean it like that and I told him it's exactly what he said. In my emotional/drunk state I got upset that Trey wasn't believing me and stormed downstairs to go walk outside. He ran behind me and when I got to the door he wouldn't let me open it. I collapsed to the floor, bawling my eyes out.

After he calmed me down and we talked some, I was a little better. He told me to come to the kitchen and he'd make me some tea to help calm me. After making some tea for both of us and sitting there, I was good. I'd stopped blubbering and actually was laughing a little. I wound up falling off my chair and lying in the floor for a minute. When Trey asked why I was lying there I didn't respond... I was almost asleep.

After saying my name a few times, and my not responding, he poured water on my face. I responded! Lol. Once I got up I was leaning against him and almost fell over. He asked if I'd been drinking and I asked if he'd be mad at me. He said no and I said a little.

>I'd drank probably 60-65% of a 375ml bottle of rum and then had like 3-4 swigs out of a root beer flavored smirnoff thing.<

He wasn't happy and I felt bad immediately. I wanted to confess to him earlier but I didn't know how to say it and I didn't want him to be unhappy with me.

He wasn't mad at me, it was worse. He was disappointed in me

He poured out the rest of the alcohol in the house which made me feel terrible because it said he didn't trust me not to have a repeat of this, although I promised I wouldn't do this again.

I told him how I had used it to numb myself and I knew it wasn't the proper way to handle the situation and I apologized well over a hundred times.

After an hour or so, I wound up in the bathroom. I puked a little and then he hung out with me in there for a while, making me drink water and making sure I kept it down. After I'd kept the water down for a while and my stomach was feeling a little better he gave me vitamins and advil.

I feel horrible about how I handled things, and I made sure he knew that. I talked with him about how I felt and everything and for the most part things are fine now. I still feel terrible about it. He shouldn't have to  put up with that.

I also took him out to ihop the next morning to try to make it up to him. He says it's fine and not to worry  about it, but I'm still going to try to make it up to him. I got a lot of sucking up to do.

I know I fucked up and I have to fix it now. Trying to hide my emotions from Trey and acting strong isn't the right way to handle things. Trying to numb it with alcohol is an even worse way to handle it. :/

Lesson learned.

 

(So far, @skinnyme_prettyme is the only one who's commented. So I'm tagging her so she can see the second half.)

I owe you all an explanation for on my pulses Thursday.

I'd much rather do a vlog, but I can't find the button for my web cam ever since my laptop was restored.

So I'm not sure if I told you guys yet, but Trey's switching units.

The unit he was in was going to go to Vietnam, but they told him he wasn't going to get to go there or Indonesia or anywhere cool because he was switching over to it (it was a medical unit, which would be cool 'cause it'd be less dangerous) and apparently he didn't have some qualifications, so basically they were like fuck you.

However, he decided to say fuck you back and he switched over to a way cooler unit.

This new unit he's entering into is an infantry unit (which is what he originally was, he was going to switch to something medical so he'd be safer [for me], but when that fell through, he went back to being infantry).
He's getting in as a sniper.
His papers are currently going through for it. Wednesday he spent all day out and about doing paperwork and trying to make this happen.

Wendesday he went up the street to this army place where a guy was suppose to look over some of his paper work and then he'd be back home. Should've only taken like five minutes.

After Trey had been gone for almost an hour, I get a call from him.

He wanted to let me know his unit he's getting into will be deploying in a few months. As long as his paperwork gets through in time, he'll be going with them.

As I heard him say this I felt nervous immediately. I was walking in the hallway and braced myself against the rail before I asked anything else.

"Okay."

"We'll probably need to postpone the wedding."

"When would you be deploying?"

"They said in a couple of months, so probably in April."

*begins to cry quietly*

"Do you know how long you'll be gone?"

"It'd be somewhere from nine months to a year."

*begins silently bawling*

"Oh. Where would you be going?"

"Afghanistan."

"Oh... cool."

"It's not a definite thing yet, but if my paperwork goes through in time it'll happen."

"Mhmm."

"I just wanted to tell you and make sure you'd be okay with that if it does happen."

"Yeah, you got to do what you got to do."

"Okay. I just hope I won't be getting any 'Dear John letters'." *laughs*

"No! Of course not. Never."

"Okay, well, I'll be home soon. I love you."

"I love you too."

 

 

After getting off the phone with him, I bawled my eyes out so much! Finally, I pulled myself off the floor in the hallway and walked to a mirror. Seeing how puffy, red, and blotchy my face was, I knew I had to pull myself together before he got back.

I cleaned my face up, but everytime I'd start thinking about it I'd begin to cry some more.

I decided to numb myself a little. I took probably 3 shots of rum out of the bottle before Trey got back.

I seemed fine when he got home. He talked about it a little.

"Will you be in a lot of danger?"

"Yeah, unfortunately. It's a high combat zone, so that means high risk. But I'll make a lot of money being on active duty for 9-12 months, and since it's high risk I'll make even more."

"I don't care about the money, you know. I just want you."

"I know, but you have to admit it's nice. Like if the worst happens, I have a really good insurance policy. It's like $400,000 and it'd be divided among you, my Dad, and my Mom. So at least you'd be taken care of."

(thinking inside my head) *I don't give a flying fuck about the money! I DON'T CARE. If it comes down to having money or having you, I WANT YOU! I love you. Money won't mean shit to me!* *tries not to cry*

After having some lunch we went upstairs and each did our own seperate computer thing. I kept wandering off to sneak down to the kitchen to take a chug or two from the bottle of rum to help keep myself numb.

I didn't appear drunk or intoxicated. Trey said I was acting a little weird, but he didn't notice really.

 

"You know, you aren't allowed to get hurt over there. I forbid it."

*laughs* "Okay."

 

This is part one, I'll write part two later... trust me it gets A LOT worse. If you comment on this, I'll tag you at the bottom of the second part so you can be sure to see the rest, if you want.

Part two can be found here.

I need ideas!

Trey's birthday is about five and a half weeks away and I need ideas on what to do.

It's his 20th birthday and I want to make it special.

It's on a Sunday so I have all day to make it count.

Any and all ideas, thoughts, opinions, suggestions, and advice is welcome!

Oh, and if you could REC this to get the word out.

I really need the help! Thank you!

To whom it may concern, I remembered my dream.

It's not super horrific but it still makes me sad.

It also explains why I've been in the mood I've been in today.

I guess I feel like I'm in a funk today.

No big deal, I'm sure I'll be back to normal by tomorrow.

Today's just one of those days that would've been better spent staying in bed all day cuddling my guy.

I'd try to cuddle now, but he's playing minecraft. At least his sister has his attention right now.

You can ignore this. I'm just feeling down today.

I promise I'll be back to my chipper, happy self by tomorrow, at the latest.

Actually, when I lay down for bed with Trey in a few hours, I'll probably talk to him about my dream and that'll help me feel better.

Okay, pointless post over.

I think I had a bad dream last night.

I just can't actually remember it fully.

It's there in my mind, bugging me, haunting me.

I just can't put the actual memory in my brain. It's just hovering on the tip of my brain.

It's driving me crazy.

As a result I feel unstable and burdened and worried.

I don't like this uncertain feeling.

Worst part is I can't escape it.