For those who read my rant about my sister... she ended up apologizing to me Friday night before I was dropped with Trey's Dad to be taken back to their house. I accepted her apology and we're good now.

I really want to have a melt down though. I almost did yesterday. I went to the bathroom during sociology and wound up just sitting in the floor for a good fifteen minutes just letting my mind rush around and crying a little.

So what's wrong?

-My nose (and the roots of my front two teeth) feel like they got donkey kicked. & A) I don't have my pain meds. with me and B) I don't want to take them because they make me 1) sleepy, 2) out of it, and 3) unable to concentrate. I mean, I'm taking two hydrocodine/oxycotin tablets every time I choose to take my meds... that's a lot of drugs.

-My sternum, spine, and clavicle/scapulae/shoulder area all still hurt. It still hurts to laugh or sleep in certain positions. I have a physical therapy appointment Friday morning, but I'm probably only going to be able to go to the first appointment because I have a free coupon. After that, I'll find out my insurance won't cover most of it and I won't be able to afford it.

-Speaking of my sternum... I don't have a car because I totaled mine. Not only did I ram my fairly new (to me) car into a tree, I now have to rely on bumming rides off of other people and I have to make sure I schedule stuff not just so that it fits into my schedule but also into whoever I'm burdening's schedule.

-That car I totaled. It's still in the tow dump, accumilating a ridiculous high storage fee which I refuse to pay. My total is already near a grand and I don't know what to do about it. My parents are looking into talking to attorneys but I don't know what's happening or going to happen.

-Anatomy and Physiology is stressing me out! I have to pass that class (nothing less than a B) for my major and in order to be able to enroll in AP2 next semester like I was planning on. I took the exam today for lab and the final exam for lecture is the 12th. I could pull my grade up to a A if I got 100s on both exams, but that's not likely. I'm also worried about my scholarship and hours and GPA and everything. I can't loose my scholarship. (I'm talking to my advisor tomorrow morning but I doubt it'll help... she never seems very helpful...)

-I need to find a gynecologist. I've actually never seen one before so I figure I need to start on that, plus I'm going to need to figure out a form of birthcontrol for the near future obviously.

-Not going into specifics but I have some extra stress that relationships bring. Not anything major or anything like a deal breaker- no worries, just some stress.

-I've been having a lot of thoughts and shit about Richard. I don't like expressing them to Trey because I don't want him to think I'm not okay or that he's triggering the thoughts.. he's not. It's just, it's really weighing down on me. I also had some bad dreams about him a couple weeks ago. I really wish I'd never met that bastard. I wish I could say I am 100% okay, but I guess I'm not. It makes me weak that I can't just forget about my past and say it doesn't matter and just not let it affect me.

-I've lost all my coping mechanisms right now. I used to have really bad ways of coping... starving or cutting. But that's a used to. I replaced that with running. When something in my life is going really wrong or I'm worried or stressed or upset, I just run away from my problems. I can't do that now. My nose kind of hinders me from running for a bit and it sucks. I actually ran 3/4 of a mile yesterday, despite my better judgement... I really needed to though. It helped a little.. it also hurt like hell. I guess I paid for my stupidity.
>Truth be told... I've had the urge to cut a few times recently. Looking when I look down at my wrist I see my tattoo and I know I can't do that. Hell, forget the tattoo, I can't do that to Trey. No, no, no. I couldn't do that do him.

-He's also stressing because he probably isn't getting his pay from the military from school for some reason? And his boss called him today and wanted to talk to him, so he has to do that after school and he's freaking out because he preparing for the worst- which would be getting fired. If that were to happen we wouldn't be able to afford this apartment we were planning to move into in like two weeks. We've already put money down on it too. Plus if the military doesn't pay for his school he's barely going to be able to afford it and he'll be back in with his parents. If he can't afford school he'll have to work full time if we were trying to afford the apartment. And a whole bunch of financial crap.

-Plus finals are upon us. I have my algebra final exam on the 6th (at 4pm, which is freakin' late), I have my history and sociology test on the 8th, and my AP1 lecture final on the 12th.

I'm just overwhelmed and I really need a good melt down

This was suppose to be a short list of issues, but it turned long when I went into ranty-detail about specifics.

I'd been texting my Dad and sister through out the day because we were trying to set up a time for me and Erin to get together. At first it was lunch or coffee and she picked coffee. We had to wait until my Dad had time to pick me up from Sherwood and bring me and Erin together because I don't have a car and her's is in Fayetteville because she road down to Little Rock with someone.

She kept on complaining that I should just have Trey drive me to get her or meet up somewhere, but I wouldn't ask him. He isn't my chauffeur. She rebuttled "And Dad is? You don't even live there anymore." I was like but I impose on Trey all the time. He has to drive me to and from school everyday and to work, then his Dad has to drive me from work. Dad's driven me over here twice and picked me up from work once. She then said "You're getting married, he has to get use to you depending on him" At which point I changed topics because my mind was set. "Coffee or lunch?" She picked coffee and I told her I'd let her know when Dad was on his way to get me.

While we were at the liquor store, my Dad called and said he was leaving Little Rock headed my way. We finished up at the liquor store, dropped by the mall to pick up my engagement ring because it was ready (we had to get it sized.. it's still slightly loose, but I don't want it super tight, and besides, I'm still partially dehydrated), then headed to the house. My Dad got there just as we did.

I texted Erin to tell her we were on the way and she said she was going to talk to Cajun's... (She was trying to get a job there cocktailing). I asked if she wanted us to meet her there and she said she didn't know if they were just talking or if she'd be training today. That pissed me off. I'd already been out and about more than I wanted to be and I was tired and if I'd just been dragged out to Cajun's for no reason, I was going to be pissed. Erin does stuff like this all the time. She's so self-centered.

Once I got there I had to wait for her about 30 minutes, so I just hung out in the kitchen halfway asleep against a wall... at least the servers got some amusement out of me probably.

We then went to starbucks were my Dad dropped us and told us to call when we were ready, well ten minutes prior so he could be there. She had wanted to do dinner instead of coffee, but only if I was paying. A month of two ago I was trying to get her down here earlier than Thanksgiving so I could show her my tattoo and offered to buy her dinner if she came down. I guess she didn't realize that pertained to that specific time range. Plus, work has been slow recently and I just totalled my car two weeks ago. I said I'd buy her coffee, but I couldn't buy dinner.

After buying our coffee and sitting down she practically began bombarding me with bullshit. She called me financially irresponsible for not being able to wait six months for my nose when I'd be on Trey's insurance. But that's not his responsibility. Yes, he's in the army and has tri-care or some good insurance shit, but he shouldn't have to pay for my nose. It got fucked up when I was 13 and my Mom promised to take care of it once I was out of cheer. I'm out of cheer now! She never said, once you're married to someone who has insurance. That's bullshit. Plus, I'm NOT a gold digger! I don't look at Trey like a bag of money. That's just stupid. He's a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, he's not just merely transportation or insurance. She also bitched that Trey should've had to come pick me up from my house after the surgery, but once again, Mom had promised she would take me over there. It wasn't his responsibility to come pick me up because my Mom had given her word on that.

I tried changing the subject to who all was coming to Thanksgiving lunch tomorrow and she brought it right back to criticizing my engagement and saying we're too young and immature to get married. I sat there and listened to her out of respect for a few minutes, but then I'd had it. I texted my Dad "I'm done" and then told her I wasn't putting up with this shit. I got up from the table and walked outside to wait for my Dad.

When he got there I silently got in the car then Erin did like a minute later and he drove me to Treys parents house again. I'm so pissed off at my sister.

She doesn't have to be excited for my marriage, but if she doesn't support it, she can just keep her opinion to herself. I want her to be my maid of honor but if everytime we talk she's just going to attack me, it won't happen.

Plus, does she not think I don't need this kind of stress right after my surgery. I'm exhausted and hurting and it's stupid. I mean, I went home and cried because I was in so much pain and so frustrated. I'm not too thrilled with my parents either. Apparently my Mom's been saying some shit behind my back.

Oh, and another good thing about the surgery. I was actually healthy enough to do it! When they took my heartrate it was 64 bpm. That's a healthy rate. Two-three-four years ago, that would've been in the forties. I'm healthy now. Why don't they give a fuck?

Blah, I'm exhausted and I'm probably going to go crash. I've slept most of the last two days away, but I'm going to go sleep some more.

I survived my surgery. They had some trouble getting my IV in, but after three failed attempts they just put me under with the sleeping gas and poked me another four times (judging from the needle marks on my arms and hands) before getting it to work. My anesthesiologist was rather cute No worries though, I know where my heart is. When he told me to just breath and think happy thoughts, I pictured Trey

I woke up and they have me a shot in the ass for the pain... that was pleasant. They also gave me a large prescription of hydro/oxy, some nasal spray to keep my nasal cavities moist, and an anti-nausea in case I started vomiting really badly, but I didn't.. thank God! The anti-nausea pill wasn't taken orally... so I really didn't want to take it lol.

My Mom went back on her word and wouldn't take me over to Trey's after my surgery like she promised because she was afraid of the traffic. Meaning, I had to wait until my Dad got home for work to take me. When my Dad dropped me off with Trey and his parents he went over my instructions and I crashed lol. I slept from pretty much after the surgery until 8am the next morning. Then I got up, showered, and finally ate! I didn't eat a thing Tuesday, I just slept. After my cereal, I fell asleep again. Then woke up and had some coffee. Then went back to sleep. Then I woke up and Trey made me eggs, then before I could fall asleep again Trey's parents got home and we went to a liquor store so they could pick out some wines for Thanksgiving dinner.

The cashier person at the liquor store kept looking at me funny and it ticked me off badly. I bet she thought I was drunk... I wasn't drunk I was tired and doped up on pain killers. Dumb lady.

Then we went by the mall to pick up my ring because it was done getting sized! ^.^ My finger isn't naked anymore!

I need to go shower now, but I'll do a part two to this. Part two will be more feisty and ranty, thanks to my "lovely" sister.

I have surgery on my nose today to fix a deviated septum. I discovered it when I was thirteen but I didn't want to get it fixed until I was officially out of cheer for fear it'd get broken again.
I'm not afraid of the surgery, but I'm sooo ready to get it over with.
Oh, and I'm not allowed to eat prior to the surgery or drink anything. Thank God Trey took me out to Crazy Hibachi last night for dinner. We did the mongolian style and ordered way too much sushi! Lol, oh my God, it was so much food but is was so good. I wasn't even able to finish all of mine. I had to get a to go box. Not being able to eat breakfast and have coffee this morning with Trey sucked. And the coffee smelled like Jesus! It was torture lol.
I'm at school for now. I'm going to my history class, then leaving about 15 minutes early so I can meet my Mom at one of the drop off spots. She'll drive me to the place and hang there until I'm done. Then she's dropping me off with Trey for him to have to take care of me lol.
My sister wants me to go to dinner with her since she's in town. I might try to, but only if I'm feeling up to it. Otherwise, I told her I could go out with her Friday or Saturday night since I won't be working this weekend. The doctor said physically I'd be okay to work, but because of all the pain meds they're going to have me on, Cajun's won't want me there lol.
How awesome is that? The first full weekend I've ever had off since I started working at Cajun's over two years ago and I'm going to spend it drugged up and lonely (Trey will be at work).
Gah, food sounds so good right now. Thank God I don't normally deprive myself of food like this anymore. Tis not fun. I also would kill for some coffee. I really want some. Or heck, I'd settle for some milk or some of the liptons iced diet green tea.. that stuff's amazing. Or a rockstar recovery... or just some water. I feel so deprived lol. Ooh, starbucks has these little fruit and yogurt parfait they sell.. that sounds heavenly... Damn this sucks.
I guess I'm going to stop talking since now all I'm doing is fantasizing about food...
Oh, and my tummy just grumbled. Grrr.

Well, keep me in your prayers and/or wish me luck. I guess I'm heading off to my history class then two hours from now I'll be heading to the otorhinolaryngology place.

Hey, so Trey and I are trying to figure out where to go for our honeymoon. Well, more so I'm trying to figure it out.

He says he doesn't care because he wants to see the whole world as it is, so he's leaving it totally up to me.

I've always wanted to go to Ireland, but I'm not sure if I want to spend my honeymoon there.

I know we're going to travel a lot, so it's not like this is going to be my only big trip with Trey.

I want to go some place where I can legally drink. Granted I'm not going to be partying or getting drunk on my honeymoon, but a glass of wine with dinner or a fruity cocktail or something sounds nice.

I'm kind of giving thought to Italy, or Germany would be kind of cool because it sounds interesting, plus I know Trey wants to go there someday.

Anyways, the point of this post is to get opinions, advice, and suggestions! So give me your opinion... you know everyone has an opinion.

Oh, and you could recommend this if you wanted to, that way I could get as much feed back as possible

PLEASE&THANKYOU!

You would probably get a vlog update if it wasn't for the fact that made laptop is dead and I'm on my Dad's laptop.

I'm fucking livid!

*Oh, and as a warning, if you're offended by cursing, you might want to walk away.. because this post is going to be full of it.*

I found a letter for me that came in the mail Friday from the place where my car got towed. I have yet to pick it up or sell it because my Dad's working on trying to find a place to sell it to (for scraps).

"We have in our possession a vehicle listing you as owner/lien holder, such vehicle was towed to our storage lot on 11/08/11. It is our intent to notify you that you are legally liable for tow services, administrative fees, and storage fees. Our storage firm claims a first priority possessory lien on the vehicle and its contents for all of such charges. Please contact us as soon as possible. Monday through Friday 8am to 6pm and Saturday 9am-2pm."

Ummmm.... WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK!

I'm sorry no.

Fuck no!

I won't be paying you for this storage fee because you failed to inform me of it when you towed it that night or when I called to check on it.

If I had been informed when you took my car that I was going to have to pay for every fucking day you had it, I would've had it towed to my parents driveway instead of your rinky-dink tow shop.

If you think Monday mornings suck, you're about to have suck redefined.

I will be calling first thing in the fucking morning tomorrow to inform you that I will most certainly not be paying your storage fee and that you Goddamn bastards can't legally hold me to it because I wasn't informed of this charge. So you fucktards can go fuck yourself with a rabid porcupine because I'm not paying any storage charges. I will pay for the towing fee and for the normal administrative fees, but since you dumbasses weren't considerate enough to tell me I was being charged every goddamn fucking day for my car being there you're screwed, 'cause I'm not paying a damn penny. You should've had me sign something or given me a note or something explaining the charges or verbally fucking told me! So a major fuck you to all you cunts and bastards. Dick heads.

They better hope they've had their coffee that morning because as soon as the clock hits eight o'clock they're going to have an absolutely livid little girl to deal with. I may be little but don't underestimate me...

I have a short temper and hot Irish blood.

I will go off on you.

I don't want to sleep.

I'm at my parents house tonight because I was asked to work in the nursery at my (parents) church this Sunday. I was actually asked two Sundays ago (the 6th), which was before I totaled my car (the 8th), so when I was at church with my parents and Trey last Sunday (the 13th ) because my parents wanted to announce our engagement with both of us there... the lady double checked that I would be there and without even thinking I said yes.. before I remembered I didn't have a ride. So instead of making Trey drive me to church on the other side of town, I had my Dad pick me up from work and I'm just going with them to church tomorrow.

Bad idea.

The last two nights I've barely slept. Two nights ago I had a bad dream and woke up, after that I didn't sleep well, but I dozed in and out of sleep the rest of the night.

Last night I had a bad dream/flash back. Unfortunately I didn't jerk awake which would've woken Trey.. I say unfortunately because then he would've been able to comfort me and help me get back to sleep. Instead I woke up almost paralyzed in fear. I spent the rest of the night starring at the ceiling waiting for morning.

I don't think I slept more than three hours last night...

I'm so freakin' exhausted right now, but I don't want to sleep. I'm afraid to sleep.

I don't want to have a bad dream or a flashback.. especially by myself.

I've grown accustomed to sleeping next to Trey.

I've gotten used to his warmth and using him as a pillow and cuddling up to him.

And I want the comfort of knowing he's going to be there for me if I need him.

I really want to be with him now, I want him to hold me.

He makes me feel safe.

I also want my ring back. It's getting sized. We dropped it off after church last Sunday and they said they'd call when it was ready... My finger is naked and I don't like it. I got used to wearing it also.

The exhaustion is getting to me too. It's making my coping skills weaker. I don't want to deal with memories or dreams or flashbacks. I don't have the energy to do so.

What also sucks is my laptop charger is at the apartment (with all my cds) and my battery is only going to last so long. When I packed my stuff for overnight I didn't realize I was going to have such a fear of sleeping.. so I'm going to lose my music in just a little bit. Flyleaf, paramore, bullet for my valentine, and basshunter help me. They make me feel better. I need my music.

Grrr. I guess I'm going to paint my nails now. I just want to not be sleepy and to be with Trey. I'd cuddle the fuck out of him if I could.

The first three our from the 15th...

I was in the student center working on my research paper right before the first draft was due (rushing only to find out it was postponed until a whole week later....)

And it was pouring down rain that morning.. so Trey gave me his jacket from the car to wear I think I look cute in his army stuff  ^.^

This was much needed,  by the way...

Then this morning...

I didn't sleep well two nights ago due to a bad dream and yesterday was a repeat of that. I needed coffee this morning.

"What you lookin' at?"

"This is what is going to get me through the day."

Ha... I'm cross-eyed

Even though I spent more than half the night awake starring at the ceiling waiting for morning to come, I can still look cute in the morning.

... might do a real post soon.

Don't you hate when you have bad dreams that leave you in a funk.

And you don't fully remember them when you wake up, you just know parts and that it was bad.

Then it hits you in the shower with a bad scene or a phrase and you crumble.

Then you're just stuck in the shower, crying to yourself.

Yeah... I hate that.

I arrived at school today around 7:45am because Trey has an eight o' clock class. After parting from him, I headed to the computer lab in the library to get print some stuff off and wait for him to get out of class so I can meet up with him at the gym.

When I enter the library I see that the lab doesn't open until 8:00am so I decide to go to the student center to grab a drink from the book store. As I'm walking through the sudexo on my way down stairs, I notice this young girl sitting by herself. She's not sickly thin, but she's little. She's dressed in baggy clothes and her semi-frizzy hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail. She looks pale and her cheeks appear to be a little puffy.

I instantly know what's going on.

I notice there are two empty takeout boxes pushed to the side and she's drinking on a large mocha frappuncinno. She looks zoned out, like she's been drained of everything. You can see a hint of fear in her eyes and there isn't an ounce of happiness present.

I walk on trying not to stare at her too much. After purchasing my citrus green tea from downstairs, I make my way back up stairs. I pass by where the young girl sat only perhaps ten or fifteen minutes ago and I notice she is no longer there. Not even a minute later I see her emerging from the bathroom. She doesn't have that fear in her eyes anymore. As she walks I can see she's shaking ever so lightly.

I don't even know this girl, but I want to help her. Despite the fact that she probably thinks she has everyone fooled and no one knows what's going on, people see it. I just hope someone who loves her and knows her well enough will notice and take action. You can't get better unless you want to, but having someone there to tell you they love you and you deserve to be healthy definitely helps. They'll try to push them away, but it still helps.

There isn't anything I can do to help that young girl I saw this morning. But I'll say a prayer for her and for all the other girls out there who thinks no one notices.