So moving most ways hurts my sternum.

If I'm lying down I can't breathe without pain.

If I try to get up from lying down MAJOR PAIN!

If I cough, sneeze, or even laugh it hurts.

Looking over my shoulder hurts.

Reaching down or leaning back (like to pop my back) hurts.

Taking a deep breath hurts.

Standing up from a sitting position hurts.

When I say it hurts, I'm talking a 9 out of 10 on a pain scale.

It wasn't this bad at first, but it's gotten worse and it even hurts when I'm just breathing... that's not something I'm willing to give up.

I hate to do it, but I've finally broken down and I'm allowing Trey to take me to the doctors this morning. I guess I'll have my chest x-rayed for broken or fractured ribs or sternum. There won't be much they can do to fix it aside from some pain killers or muscle relaxers but I've gotten to the point I don't give a fuck, if they can make it were I don't want to cry just from laughing or coughing, I'll take it.

Yesterday Trey and I headed up to Hot Springs which is about an hour away from my house. I wanted to go up there to throw Richards' class ring into the lake up there (Lake Ouachita, that is). It was 5:30 when we left and beginning to get dark, but I'd been up there several times and along with my mapquested directions, I figured we could find it fairly easily. As we made our way up there, it began to sprinkle. Then rain. Then rain cat and dogs. Then it began pouring down as if we were under a waterfall. Brady Mountain Road, the road right before you get to the lake, is really windy and hilly. The rain was so bad I could barely see the road and I'll be honest... I should've been driving a little slower. I was going between 25 and 30 mph. I just wanted to get there, toss that assholes' ring in the lake, and then I figured I'd just wait the storm out with Trey in the car before proceeding back. I should've stopped and waited for it to pass, but I didn't.

Trey was talking about a strange dream he had last night which was quite funny. I made a comment about being surprised I could stand up this morning because I spent the whole night awake, curled up in a ball. I didn't really get any sleep last night.. my mind was preoccupied. Next thing I really remember is swerving out of control, glancing over at Trey as he tensed himself preparing for impact, and then seeing this big tree right in my path. I tried to hit the breaks and turn the car...

*BAM*

My car crashed into the tree head on.

The airbags deployed and my body slammed into them.. or visa versa.

This smell began to fill the car and there was smoke everywhere. Just a few seconds later I hear Trey shout, "Get out of the car! Get out now!" Without even thinking I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened my door and gravity yanked me down. I hit some tree limps on the way down, then splashed into water.

I was in shock. The wind hand been knocked out of me. My arms hurt and I began to realize what had just happened.

I had just wrecked my car into a tree. My car was resting on a ledge that dropped about 5 feet into a creek.

As I laid there in the water, shaking and waiting for time to allow me to breath again, I heard Trey shout my name. He shouted it two or three times before I was able to reply "I'm down here." I made my way around my car and up out of the creek to access the damage. After checking out the hood I began to hyperventilate. "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" Trey held me and tried to calm me down.

Apparently I hydroplaned, tried to swerve some, screamed, and then I tried to break right before we hit the tree but it was pointless.. my car didn't have any traction.

Then I thought of my parents. "Oh my God, I'm going to be in so much trouble!" Despite the fact that I had bought the car with my own money and paid for everything myself, they were going to be pissed. Thank God just a few minutes later a gentleman drove by and stopped to help us. We didn't have cell service there so he drove us up the mountain some and called the police for us and Trey called his parents. Later we called mine and we got them to head up to pick us up. It took the police almost two hours to get there.

My car was totaled. Trey was sweet and comforted me. He hit his bad knee on the dash and has a little bruise from that, but aside from that he seems fine. I got roughed up a little, but I don't know. My forearms are bruised from hitting the steering wheel, I have a little whip lash, and my chest is killing me. If I take a deep breath or laugh or hunch my shoulders in it hurts really badly. I probably either bruised my pecs or cracked my sternum, but whatever. Oh, and the lateral (outside) tendons and ligaments in my right foot hurt some, but I really don't care. Heck, if I could take it all back and do it again (well, and I had to crash again) I would make sure I swerved right more so it'd just been my side hitting the tree. It'd done less damage to the car and Trey wouldn't have gotten banged up at all. I don't care what it did to me. I hate myself for putting him in danger like that. I was irresponsible and if something would've happened to him, I'd never forgive myself.

I don't think my cars repairable. It'll probably just be sold for scraps. Trey said he'll help me get a new one, but I keep telling him it was my car and my fault and he shouldn't have to help me buy a new car. He's being stubborn though and insisting. It's really sweet, but I'm just like "What the heck, I totaled my car and almost killed you in the process and now you're wanting to help me buy another car?! I should be doing something sweet for you to make it up to you, not the other way around!"

My chest and forearms have some swelling to them. I have a bruise on my shoulder and knee and a scrape on the back of my left arm. My chest is killing me, and my foot makes me a gimp.. but I'll live. I'll just have to bum rides for a little bit. I'll just be riding to school with Trey for a while and he said he can take me to work and leave a little early to pick me up. I hate to impose on him so much.. especially considering it was my fault.

I haven't gotten the final say on my car yet, but I'm pretty sure it's totaled.

((((

I'm just so glad Trey didn't get hurt. I really didn't care what happened to me. Besides, he has military training to the point he would have been able to stabilize or fix any type of injury. I guess considering how accident prone I am, it's a good thing I have a guy that's been trained to remain calm in emergency and is trained in medical emergencies.

Someone has to be the calm one in a situation like that and clearly that's not going to be me... I'm apparently going to be the panicked person over on the side hyperventilating!

We finally got home a little after eleven. I showered off, since smelled like creek and then we had a drink and went to bed.

It was a looooonnnggg day.

  I'm a happy panda!

P.S.

You know what's awesome?

I'm totally going to be able to have some of my wedding cake on my wedding day. That's an accomplishment, in my opinion

Hey, so I have a "new accesory" I'm flaunting

It's kind of perminant. I mean, technically it wouldn't have to be perminant, but I'm making it that way. It's how it should be. Besides, I wouldn't want to get rid of this. It's very special to me lol.

And no, I'm not talking about my eating disorder recovery symbol tattoo.

This is something new I got yesterday...

I guess  I should stop teasing you all..

WHO WANTS TO KNOW THE SURPRISE?!

*I do mention numbers in this post. If you think hearing a little about calories/fat would be dangerous to your health/recovery, please reconsider reading this. It's not a lot about numbers, but I do mention the numbers of a food item. Just a warning*

I went grocery shopping this afternoon while Trey was at work.

I bought some blueberry and some strawberry-banana yogurts.

I bought the light great-value kind, so I thought.

I must opened the blueberry and began eating on it, only to realize I didn't grab the light I grabbed the low fat.

Instead of it being 80 calories and no fat for the 6 oz., it's 150 calories and 1.5 grams of fat per 6 oz.

Used to.. I would've thrown it away the current yogurt away and given the rest away to someone else. New Reilly, is going to eat and enjoy this yogurt and pay attention more closely next time I go shopping.

Because I don't give a fuck about the numbers. Eating a few yogurts that have a higher calories content than I normally do isn't going to kill me.

There's more important stuff to life than worry over a few numbers.

Still owe you all a proper update. It'll happen eventually.

As for now here's my halloween costume..

Picture quality is poor, but I only had my cell phone for a camera so yeah.. sorry.

Everything at work went well tonight with the exception of having a stranger grab my ass as I was taking a picture of Derrick and some girl together. That pissed me off.

My ass is mine and mine only.

If you don't know me you don't touch it.

Even if you know me, unless you have my permission you don't touch it.

Respect. Boundaries. Manners. LEARN THESE SKILLS!

Rant over. Waiting for Trey and his friends, Josh and Brendon, to get back from the concert.

• I'm still alive, I swear.
• I've been super busy.
• Life's been going pretty wonderfully, if I do say so myself.
• I have a lot to fill you in on when I ever get time. 
• Trey left last night to go to South Carolina to see his li'l sister graduate from boot camp.
• I miss him already. Saturday needs to come NAAAOWWW! lol
• I have a ton of exams and papers due this week.
• Assuming they don't completely rape me, I'll try to update you later.

 I'm also going to be doing a video so you can chose to listen to that, read this, or do both. It's whatever you want.

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you guys with the meaning of my tattoo. I've finally managed to make some time for it this morning though, so here it goes...

1) The whole symbol itself is the eating disorder recovery symbol.

2) The red on the left side is for anorexia.

3) The purple on the left is "periwinkle". When it comes to ribbons, the periwinkle ribbon is used for eating disorder awareness. The periwinkle ink, however, looked more blue than I wanted so I opted for a dark periwinkle/purple.

4) The tattoo being on my wrist is to signify that this is the last time that I will ever purposefully have pain inflected upon my wrists.

If you don't like the fact that I have a tattoo...

You can suck it..

(old picture, but the message fits)

'cause I love my tattoo and I am proud of what it means.

I am a recovered anorexic.

I will never cut myself again.

I have a strength inside myself that I never knew I had before.

I'm a survivor.

71 days recovered & 164 days clean from cutting

{It looks a little blurry in the video, but that's just because I had just put A&D ointment on it}

And then to tag everyone who commented on the revealing post so you'll be sure to see this post explaining the meaning...

@skinnyme_prettyme,

@belleorecluses,

@unconventionalbutterfly,

@sf2slc, - The black outlining hurt worse than the coloring in, but it wasn't too bad. Definitely worth it.

@righteousbruin, - Lol! No, no, no. I'm just a clutz and fell asleep on the couch with Trey. I move in my sleep a lot so I flipped off the couch and hit my arm on a chair on my way down

@mysoldier_myworld,

@cennedi,

@marcusjoh,

@feyenigma,

@oflostthings,

@malestop,

@unrevealedtruth_xo, - No one did My parents sort of knew because ran it by them to make sure they were cool with it, but they had no idea when I was doing it. Aside from Trey, it was a surprise to everyone!

@sentimentaldoll,

@chuellesee, - Someone suggested the shoulder/back area, but I wanted it where I could see it plus the other meaning the wrist has  (as I wrote up there). It's actually red and purple/"dark periwinkle" I love you too baby girl <3

@bloggicus_maximus, - Golden Lotus. It was between Seventh Street and this place in Sherwood my boyfriend got his done and I decided to go there. Turns out they closed for freakin' Columbus Day (wtf?!) so I went down the street to Golden Lotus instead.

@equalpacketzzz,

@damagedgo0ds,

@ctaretz,

@missrobynrenee,

@thecowboy2010,

@hopethatitglows, - I do too! Plus I love you <3

@under_the_carpet,

I've been absent so much lately.

Sorry.

It's just, the internet becomes so much less important when you're out actually living life and enjoying yourself.

Trey's at drill this weekend, so I'm about to do some seriously studying. If I need/get a break I'll try to update you all on the meaning behind the tat