TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF

1. I'm 5'1 & 1/2"
2. I was home schooled from kindergarten through 12th grade.
3. My bottom lip is full/big.
4. I love coffee.
5. Photography is a passion of mine.
6. I wish I could have a baby elephant as a pet.
7. I want to visit Ireland.
8. I'm super flexible. (It's been proven )
9. Most of the time I'm a hyper ball of energy
10. Penis's kind of freak me out.. (Now everyone is going to think I'm weird.)

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY

1. I need to pee.
2. I'm also kind of thirsty.
3. I must be tired too... I almost wrote "I'm also kind of shower" Uhh...
4. I wish it was about an hour later so I could "wake up" already.
5. I like listening to the rain and thunder as I lie in bed
6. Joseph must be asleep since he hasn't text me back yet... who's asleep at 6:40am!?
7. Maybe I should stop wasting time on this and straighten my room up more...
8. I wish Heather hadn't been acting so shady lately.. it sucks.
9. Okay, seriously! Need to pee! Be right back...

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART

1. Listen to me when I talk.
2. Be honest with me.
3. Remember the little things.
4. Respect my boundaries.
5. Respect my family and friends.
6. Be yourself.
7. Comfort me when I need someone there.
8. Be next in line for a heart transplant after I die.

SEVEN FAVORITE SONGS YOU’VE HAD

1. Ignorance by Paramore
2. Good Life by One Republic
3. Don't Cry Out by Shiny Toy Guns
4. Set Fire to the Rain by Adelle
5. Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liars
6. Like It's Her Birthday by Good Charlotte
7. Breakeven by the Script

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED

1. Change my clothes
2. Empty my bladder
3. Floss and brush my teeth
4. Turn my light out/fan on.
5. Take my hair down if it's up
6. Check my alarm

FIVE THINGS YOU Do ON YOUR DAYS OFF.

1. Relax
2. Eat at a more normal time
3. Mess on computer more
4. Go out taking pictures
5. Whatever I want!

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

1. Chewing [spearmint] gum
2. Procrastinating.. sort of.
3. Lying in bed
4. THIS

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF

1. Snakes
2. Stupid politicians messing everything up.
3. Failing

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. Shoot a gun
2. Recover

ONE CONFESSION

1. I don't fit in with people my age at work.

A- Age: 18

B - Bed size: Twin
 
 
C - Chore you hate: Err, I'm not that fond of chores in general.
 
 
D - Dad's name: Michael

E - Essential start your day item: Brushing my teeth.
 
 
F - Favorite color(s):  That's a hard choice for me.
 
 
G - Gold or Silver: Gold

H - Height: 5'1.5"
 
 
I - Instruments you play: I have a key board, but I don't play much and only know like three songs haha.
 
 
J - Job title: Hostess

K - Kid(s): I think I'm okay for a while lol.

L - Living arrangements: I live with my family... parents and two brothers.
 
 
M - Mom's name: Phyllis

N - Nicknames: I don't really have any... Rye I guess?

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: One which lasted 22 freakin' days, ugghh

P - Pet Peeve: I have a few, a major one is ending sentences in prepositions...

Q - Quote from a movie: ''Holly: What if this is it, Gerry? What if this is all there is to our life? You have to have a plan. Why do I have to be the responsible grown up who worries? Why can't I be the cute, carefree Irish guy who sings all the time?
Gerry: Because you can't sing without making dogs bark? " - P.S. I Love You

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: Sean, Erin, and Connor.

T - Time you wake up: Usually 7:30 a.m.

U - Underwear: Yes please!

V - Vegetable you dislike: Peas

W - Ways you run late: Traffic... car trouble... things that are out of my control.

X - X-rays you've had: Ankle, face (nose), whole body

Y - Yummy food you make: Omelet, pancakes, french toast... Turkey burger... easy/basic stuff.

Z - Zodiac: Aries

What's your middle name?Shea

How big is your bed?
It's a twin

What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
one-one-one-six

What was the last thing you ate?

A couple hot tamales (the candy.. not the mexican food lol)

Last person you hugged?
Joseph!

How is the weather right now?
 Thunderstorm <3

What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?

I don't know.. face?

Favorite kind of food?

The yummy kind (:

Do you want children?
Eventually

Do you drink?
 Nah.

Ever get so drunk you don’t remember the entire night?

That sounds rather unhealthy...

Hair color?

Brunette!

Eye colour?

Brown

Do you wear contacts/glasses?

Neither

Favorite holiday?

Christmas

Favorite season?

I like 'em all!

[Leaning towards fall or summer though]

Last movie you watched?
The Devil Wears Prada

What books are you reading?

Fahrenheit 451.. sort of.

Piercings?
My ears, twice.

Favorite college football team?
RAZORBACKS! Duh.

Dogs or cats?
 Definitely dogs

Favorite flower?

Sunflowers

Who would you like to see right now?

Joseph

Do you like to travel by plane?

I've never been on a plane.

Righthanded or Lefthanded?
 
Right

Do you have a tattoo?

Nope!

Are you 18?

YES!

I don't know how to feel about today... I feel as though I was fairly productive, but I also feel as though I've been lazy and gotten hardly anything accomplished. Hmm...

• Organize and got rid of some of my nail polishes.
• Organized my lotions!
• Cleaned my finger nails up [they were looking pretty rough!].
• Paid my discover bill off and got rid of that unneeded program for which they were charging me.
• Found out there's going to be a new Paramore cd coming out sometime soon!
• Hand my hand poked at like a voodoo doll for a good ten minutes. Stupid thorns stuck in my hands. (Three of the four are still in there.)
• Became even more motivated towards recovery.

I think I'll elaborate on that last bullet for you all...

So about noon I found a link through another youtube video to an episode of Dr. Phil on eating disorders. It was in five different parts... first, second, third, fourth, fifth... If you don't watch it, it's basically this girl woman who has struggled with an eating disorder for 15 years! She's 23 and bulimic. Throughout the day she consumes approximately 15,000 calories (wowza! An average person should consume that in about ten days!) And purges about 150 times a day! She only weighs 60 pounds.

Through watching it all I felt so bad for her, and completely disgusted with ED. By the time I'd watched all the episode it was about 12:45pm... almost lunch time. I seriously wanted nothing more than to go out and get a hamburger and fries, or a milkshake. However, I did have taco bell for lunch Friday and then again on Saturday night, so I didn't want to ask my Mom to eat out for the third time in four days; so I settled on thawing a turkey breast patty I had in the freezer and then grilling myself a turkey burger for lunch.

And yes... I am using a zoo-pals plate!

Then later I came across an old post done by one of my favorite xangans which linked me to this page.

Psychosocial:

Eating disorders profoundly impact an individual's quality of life. Self-image, relationships, physical well-being and day to day living are often adversely affected. Eating disorders are also often associated with mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and personality disorders. Bulimia nervosa may be particularly associated with substance abuse problems. Anorexia nervosa is often associated with obsessive-compulsive symptoms.  The scope of related problems associated with eating disorders highlights the need for prompt treatment and intervention.

Medical:

The process of starvation associated with Anorexia Nervosa can affect most organ systems. Physical signs and symptoms include but are not limited to constipation, abnormally low heart rate, abdominal distress, dryness of skin, hypotension, fine body hair, lack of menstrual periods. Anorexia Nervosa causes anemia, cardiovascular problems, changes in brain structure, osteoporosis, and kidney dysfunction.

Self-induced vomiting can lead to swelling of salivary glands, electrolyte and mineral disturbances, and enamel erosion in teeth. Laxative abuse can lead to long lasting disruptions of normal bowel functioning. Complications such as tearing the esophagus, rupturing the stomach, and developing life-threatening irregularities of the heart rhythm may also result.

Medical Issues: General

Physical Dangers:

Sometimes those suffering with Anorexia and Bulimia do not appear underweight - some may be of "average" weight, some may be slightly overweight, variations can be anywhere from extremely underweight to extremely overweight. The outward appearance of a person suffering with an eating disorder does not dictate the amount of physical danger they are in, nor does is determine the severity of emotional conflict they are enduring. 

And the part that really hit me...

Some Symptoms:

Amenorrhea - loss of menstrual cycle. 

Barrett's Esophagus - associated with Cancer of the esophagus and caused by Esophageal Reflux, this is a change in the cells within the esophagus.

Blood Sugar Level Disruptions-

Low Blood Sugar- can indicate problems with the liver or kidneys and can lead to neurological and mental deterioration.

Elevated Blood Sugar- can lead to diabetes, liver and kidney shut down, circulatory and immune system problems.

Callused fingers - caused by repeated using the fingers to induce vomiting.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome -crippling fatigue related to a weakened immune system.

Cramps, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, incontinence - increased or decreased bowel activity.

Death- caused by any of the following or any combination of the following: heart attack or heart failure; lung collapse; internal bleeding, stroke, kidney failure, liver failure; pancreatitis, gastric rupture, perforated ulcer, depression and suicide.

Dehydration - caused by lack of intake of fluids in the body.

Dental Problems- decalcification of teeth, erosion of tooth enamel, and severe decay.

Gum Disease -caused by stomach acids and enzymes from vomiting; lack of vitamin D and calcium, and hormonal imbalance. 

Depression - mood swings and depression caused by physiological factors such as electrolyte imbalances, hormone and vitamin deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration. Living with the Eating Disorder behaviors can cause depression. Depression can also lead the victim back into the cycle of the Eating Disorder (or may have initially been the problem before the onset of the ED). Stress within family, job and relationships can all be causes. There are also a percentage of people born with a pre-disposition to depression, based on family history.

Diabetes - high blood sugar as a result of low production of insulin. This can be caused by hormonal imbalances, hyperglycemia or chronic pancreatitis.

Digestive Difficulties - a deficiency in digestive enzymes will lead to the body's inability to properly digest food and absorb nutrients. This can lead to mal-absorption problems, malnutrition and electrolyte imbalances.

Dry Skin and Hair, Brittle Hair and Nails, Hair Loss - caused by Vitamin and Mineral deficiencies, malnutrition and dehydration

Edema - swelling of the soft tissues as a result of excess water accumulation. Most common in the legs and feet of Compulsive Overeaters and in the abdominal area of Anorexics and/or Bulimics (can be caused by Laxative and Diuretic use).

Electrolyte Imbalances - electrolytes are essential to the production of the body's "natural electricity" that ensures healthy teeth, joints and bones, nerve and muscle impulses, kidneys and heart, blood sugar levels and the delivery of oxygen to the cells. Bad Circulation, Slowed or Irregular Heartbeat, Arrhythmias, Angina, Heart Attack - There are many factors associated with having an Eating Disorder that can lead to heart problems or a heart attack. Sudden cardiac arrest can cause permanent damage to the heart, or instant death. Electrolyte imbalances (especially potassium deficiency), dehydration, malnutrition, low blood pressure, extreme orthostatic hypotension, abnormally slow heart rate, electrolyte imbalances, and hormonal imbalances call all cause serious problems with the heart.

Esophageal Reflux - Acid Reflux Disorders - partially digested items in the stomach, mixed with acid and enzymes, regurgitates back into the esophagus. This can lead to damage to the esophagus, larynx and lungs and increases the chances of developing cancer of the esophagus and voice box.

Gastric Rupture - spontaneous stomach erosion, perforation or rupture.

High Blood Pressure, Hypertension - elevated blood pressure exceeding 140 over 90. Can cause: blood vessel changes in the back of the eye creating vision impairment; abnormal thickening of the heart muscle; kidney failure; and brain damage.

Hyperactivity - manic behavior; not being able to sit still.

Impaired Neuromuscular Function - due to vitamin and mineral deficiencies and malnutrition.

Infertility - the inability to have children; caused by loss of menstrual cycle, and hormonal imbalances. Malnutrition and vitamin deficiencies can also make it impossible to succeed with a full-term pregnancy, and can increase the chances significantly of a baby born with birth defects.

Insomnia - having problems falling and/or staying asleep.

Iron Deficiency, Anemia - this makes the oxygen transporting units within the blood useless and can lead to fatigue, shortness of breath, increased infections, and heart palpitations.

Kidney Infection and Failure - kidneys cleanse the poisons from your body, regulate acid concentration and maintain water balance. Vitamin Deficiencies, dehydration, infection and low blood pressure increase the risks of and associated with kidney infection thus making permanent kidney damage and kidney failure more likely.

Lanugo - (soft downy hair on face, back and arms). This is caused due to a protective mechanism built-in to the body to help keep a person warm during periods of starvation and malnutrition, and the hormonal imbalances that result.

Liver Failure - the liver aids in removing waste from cells, and aids in digestion. Fasting and taking acetaminophen (drug found in over-the-counter painkillers) increases your risks for Liver damage and failure. Loss of menstruation and dehydration (putting women at risk for too much iron in their system), and chronic heart failure can lead to liver damage or failure.

Low Blood Pressure, Hypotension - caused by lowered body temperature, malnutrition and dehydration. Can cause heart arrhythmias, shock or myocardial infarction.

Lowered body temperature - caused by loss of healthy insulating layer of fat and lowered blood pressure.

Malnutrition - caused by undereating or overeating. Malnutrition indicates deficiency for energy, protein and micronutrients (e.g. vitamin A, iodine and iron) either singularly or in combination. It can cause severe health risks including (but not limited to) respiratory infections, kidney failure, blindness, heart attack and death.

Mallory-Weiss tear - associated with vomiting, a tear of the gastroesophageal junction.

Muscle Atrophy - wasting away of muscle and decrease in muscle mass due to the body feeding off of itself.

Orthostatic Hypotension - sudden drop in blood pressure upon sitting up or standing. Symptoms include dizziness, blurred vision, passing out, heart pounding and headaches.

Osteoporosis - thinning of the bones with reduction in bone mass due to depletion of calcium and bone protein, predisposing to fractures.

Osteopenia - below normal bone mass indicating a calcium and/or vitamin D deficiency and leading to Osteoporosis. Hormone imbalance/deficiencies associated with the loss of the menstrual cycle can also increase your risks of Osteoporosis and Osteopenia.

Pancreatitis - when the digestive enzymes attack the pancreas; caused by repeated stomach trauma, alcohol consumption or the excessive use of laxatives or diet pills.

Peptic Ulcers - caused by increased stomach acids, cigarette smoking, high consumption of caffeine or alcohol.

Pregnancy problems - including potential for high-risk pregnancies, miscarriage, still born babies and death or chronic illnesses from minor to severe, in children born (all due to malnutrition, dehydration, vitamin and hormone deficiencies).

Swelling - in face and cheeks (following self-induced vomiting)

Seizures - increased risk of seizures in Anorexic and Bulimic individuals may be caused by dehydration. It is also possible that lesions on the brain caused by long-term malnutrition and lack of oxygen-carrying cells to the brain may play a role.

Tearing of Esophagus - caused by self-induced vomiting

TMJ "Syndrome" - degenerative arthritis within the tempero-mandibular joint in the jaw (where the lower jaw hinges to the skull) creating pain in the joint area, headaches, and problems chewing and opening/closing the mouth. Vitamin deficiencies and teeth grinding (often related to stress) can both be causes.

Weakness and Fatigue - caused generalized poor eating habits, electrolyte imbalances, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, depression, malnutrition, heart problems.

That is A LOT to read and if you take the time to read all of it, it's a nice wake up call/reminder. We only have one life to live; and if you screw it up, you can't always reverse the damage. I don't think my anorexia has caused any life long, irreversible damage, and I don't want to give it another moment and risk it.

I'm going to either go to my Dad's office or get on my moms computer and print that off.. every bit of it! Even the parts that don't necessarily pertain to me.

I'm taking my life back again. I deserve a healthy life.

I wasn't on much this weekend.. I was trying to be productive which is hard to do when you spend a lot of time on here lol.

I organized more of the junk in my room, put up my wall mirror, got my dry erase board calender hung up, and organized my shoes. It took three purchases, but I finally found the perfect shoe rack! (The first two pairs are unopened and will be returned, for the record.)

It turns out I have 25 pairs of shoes... wow lol. Keep in mind two pairs of my tennis shoes were cheerleading shoes, another two pairs were bought for work, the other two pairs of tennis shoes use to be Erin's, flip flops are inexpensive, four of my pairs I've had since I was about 12... so yeah, lol. I'm not a shopaholic nor am I obsessed with shoes. My feet are just small and haven't grown since I was eleven or twelve haha.

Tada! Of course, I actually have it in the corner of my closet, I just set it up there for show.

I got a new phone on Saturday...

Which I already showed you guys... Oh, and it amused me how many people thought by "new 'toy'", that I meant sex toy, LOL! Nope, no sex toys for this little girl.

I got rid of a bunch of old cheer practice shirts that I neither need nor want in my life/closet. Got rid of a lotion that I'm evidentally allergic to... found that out the hard sneezy way.

Played glow soccer again Saturday night! This time I didn't get as mangled up Apparently the first time I played, I was playing against professional soccer players... this time I had regular people like me who weren't as experienced or brutal lol. Still really fun. And I still manage to re-bruise my shin again (same one, in the same spot!) and I semi-rolled my ankle.

After soccer, most of us headed over to Sonic and hung out there a bit. About midnight they "hinted" to us that it was time to leave (A.K.A. They turned the lights off on us...) Joseph drove me home. Once he got basically to my house he "missed" the turn and we drove around aimlessly forever just talking. After a while he parked down by the river and we talked more, then he finally headed back and dropped me off for real. When I saw the time I was shocked... instead of getting home at 12:30am like I would've, I got back at 2:30am! Haha, I can't believe we talked for that long! Joseph's a really good friend, and best of all he's so sweet!

No, I don't have a crush on him, I just mean he's a genuinely sweet guy! He respects girls and has standards. He doesn't just chase after them like a piece of meat, heck, he even plans on waiting 'til his wedding night! [I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who thinks that's stupid or unrealistic, but I think it's really cute, especially coming from a guy! So I don't want to read any comments negatively about him because of that!] He actually can't wait to get married.. obviously the wedding is mostly done/organized by the bride, but he's going to be part of the reception and rock it. He even told me he's going to serenade his bride at the reception. I told him he had to invite me to it, and I will cry, lol, there's no doubt about it. Anyways, I'm starting to sound sappy, so I'll move on.

Sunday I got 60% of my text books! I got my U.S. History [up until 1877] book, a Museum book that goes with the history, my College Algebra book, and my Sociology book. My Mom still wants me to wait to get my Anatomy & Physiology book in case I am able to switch to Intro into Biology, and the guy at the store said I'd need to wait to get my Comp 1 book until after I started the class, because the teacher would tell us which book we'd actually need then. Oh, and because I got my books on the 7th, they were tax-free! Heck yes! Total cost: $254.80 Total savings: $19.11! It's too bad everyday isn't tax free.. I could totally get use to that! Lol.

I also went to the mall to try to find new work pants, because the pants I currently have are a little snug in the thighs. They aren't too small yet, but the thigh region is just slightly uncomfortable, and with recovery comes weight and muscle gain, so I'll need new pants eventually anyways. My current pants are 0 shorts. I'm actually excited because they use to be too big and now I actually fill them out! Well, not in the booty, but oh well lol. Best part is, I've gained muscle, not fat! I like muscle. Unfortunately, the mall was super crowded and unorganized and I couldn't find any pants I liked at hollisters, so I gave up. I might try areopostale or American Eagle later, but it was just too busy for me to be trolloping all over the mall I decided.

I then went with my Dad to his office and my copies of my rebate thing so I can send the rebate in and get my moo-lah back Then we went to best buy and he bought an extension for my cable cord, so I can now have my cable hooked up in the corner wear I put my tv, yay. [Even though I don't currently watch much tv, I still wanted it hooked up.] And he finally found a router/internet extender thingy, so I now have the internet back in my room! YAY! Not only is it nice for privacy sake, it'd be pretty mandatory for once I start college [in ten days!]

Everything is really starting to come together, so I'm excited. I ought to sort through my nail polishes, decide which to keep and which to trash, find a new place to put them; then do the same with my lotion. After that I pretty much will just need to reorganize and store my make up and find a spot to stash my purses and I'll be all set!

Yazza!

 A week after I started  working at Cajuns I got a new phone. It was an LGvu and pretty awesome at that time. Uhh, I don't have a full picture of it.. but that's about 60% of it... It was a touch screen. And up until recently it worked fine. Recently I noticed the calibration wasn't working too well, even when I reset it on my phone and when I'd "punch" stuff on it, it felt as though it was giving a 'kick back' if that makes any sense.

I had my Mom check on when I was do for my biyearly upgrade, because I thought it should be coming up soon (considering I started working at Cajun's on August 21, 2009 and I got my LGvu a week later...) but somehow I'd been due for an upgrade since April?!

So I asked my Dad if he could take me to AT&T Saturday and we went.

It was $150 with a $50 mail in rebate... yeah, I'm definitely mailing that in, I already have it all set and ready to go tomorrow! I really didn't want to spend that much money on my phone.. especially since my bank account took a terrible hit last month... "new" car ($6,600) + insurance due ($600) + tags and taxes for car ($475)  = ouch!

But my Dad made a good point reminding me I would have this phone for at least a couple years... so I broke down and got it since it was the definitely the best option there.

Say hello to my Pantech Ease

So far I really like it! Plus, I discovered a really cool app. it has... IT HAS A PEDOMETER!!! Incase you aren't aware of what that is... it counts your steps and tells you how many miles you've walked. I'm surprised by how well it works... I have a new favorite toy now haha!!

I'm... disappointed.

Tuesday I text Heather to see if she'd was interested in going to the mall with me the next day. She said she had some church thing, so I asked if she was busy in the AM. She said that the thing started at 9:30am and would take a while and she'd be busy the rest of the day. I accepted it, and made a plan B by asking Joseph if he'd want to go to the movies with me. He accepted and we saw "Crazy, Stupid, Love". Great movie! You should go see it On the way home I mentioned to him how Brad and I had talked at Erin's party and he was shocked that I'd never eaten at IHOP, Denny's, or Waffle House and I now had a checklist and had to go there sometime soon. Joseph couldn't believe it either, so he decided then and there, we were going to Waffle House haha. I had a big blueberry waffle and he had hash browns and some Texas toast sandwich with sausage and something in it. Our waitress was a total creep and we decided everyone was starring at us funny because they probably thought we were a biracial couple LOL. Oh, and we're going to have a "zebra" baby, ahaha. A good time was had.

After I got home from dinner I text Heather again. I was hesitant at first because I figured it wouldn't work out, but I decided to give it a shot anyways. I asked if she was busy Friday and she said she didn't have anything planned and wanted to know what I had in mind. I asked if she wanted to go to the mall, though first I'd want her to stop by my house so I could show her a surprise I had for her to see [my room.] We set up a time and had everything all planned.

Well, this morning I had just started brushing my hair and began getting ready, when I got a text. Just an hour before she was suppose to be here she said, " I don't think I can make it, I haven't been feeling well for the past two weeks because I have an infection and today I just feel faint and I'm shaky and I can't stand up for long..I'm so sorry." I could be wrong, but I call bull. Judging from what I've read on her facebook and all, she's been just fine. I would be more likely to believe her if she hadn't said she's been sick the last two weeks, I know for a fact she's been out and about running around acting fine with everyone else. To be honest, I'm kind of ticked off.

It seems like this is always happening when it comes to her. She almost always "busy" or when we do manage to get plans set up, she bails on them. I don't want to end our friendship because we've been friends for seven years, but I'd like to feel as though I was a priority to her. Deleting her number from my phone would be pointless because I know her number by heart, and removing her as a friend on facebook would either just start drama or cause me to make some sort of bogus lie up, such as "Hmm, weird. I guess facebook had a glitch or something.. I don't know how that happened. *Re-add*" If I tried to confront her about her flakiness I'd feel as though I was just being whiny and clingy.

Besides, girls are fake and flaky all the time. Why should this be any different?

I guess I'm just venting/ranting. Any suggestion, advice, or opinions are welcome. I just don't know what to do and it sucks.

How sad is it that when my Mom was leaving for the store she could tell I was bummed out and came up to kiss me on the forehead and say she was sorry that things feel through and my response was "I should be use to it"? I wasn't even trying to be dramatic or have a pity party, it's just fact. This is what she does, why should I be surprised?

I was going to go to bed, but after reading a friends post, I decided this needed to be said now. It's long, bare with me.. it's an important message, I think.

Hi, my name's Reilly and I am recovering from anorexia.

Recovery is not an process at all, trust me, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But here's the thing, if you want to live, and I mean actually live, you have to do it. There really is no life with an eating disorder.

My eating disorder began when I was fourteen. I began restricting severally and exercised a lot. Yes, watching your diet and getting exercise in is important, but like all things, it should be done in moderation.

I started counting calories. I got to the point were I'd add up the calories of every bite I took. It was ridiculous. I actually enjoy the math aspect of it from calculating the exact calorie context in the under sized portion I would eat. My boyfriend was always mesmerized and astonished by how I ate practically nothing yet still had the energy the energizer bunny. I also wore shorts and tank tops in the middle of winter without a problem... that was only possible because my body was burning through muscle at that point which kept my body warm. My restricting spun out of control and I went from 115 in summer of 2007 to 100 in the summer 2008. My parents and coaches at cheer were concerned about me, but I didn't believe it was a problem yet. I text my boyfriend one day telling him I thought I might have a problem and that I might have an eating disorder. I think I was hoping he'd begin to care more and be supportive. Instead he distanced himself even more, then dumped me over text the next week. (What a man, eh?)

My parents took that opportunity to get me help. I hadn't eaten a bite for 15 days when he broke up with me, since it was a Saturday my parents couldn't set up an appointment until Monday. I went to the doctors for a 'check up' on the 17th day of my not eating. All I consumed in those days were 8 oz. of liquid, and not a morsel more.

I weighed 100 lbs. which they weren't too concerned about, but my heart rate was 42 bmp which alarmed them. They wanted to hospitalize me but they scared my Mom while explaining it and she refused to do what they recommended. At that point I didn't want to go to rehab, but I wasn't sure what I needed. I went home after promising my parents I would start eating again and do better.

That lasted about two months, before I began relapsing again. I started getting sneaky and secretive and wound up weighing 82 lbs. by winter time. I got to weak for my cheer team, felt as though I had no friends, and I knew I was bringing the team down, so I quit over Thanksgiving break.

The beginning of March 4, 2009, my parents told me they were worried, didn't want me to die, and that I had no choice in the matter. They had set me up an appointment at a medical clinic that specialized in eating disorder treatment. I went there the next day and spent 5 hours being asked questions, weighed, tested, and poked at. They didn't hospitalized me, but they said I was in really bad shape and if I didn't improve they'd have to.

My next appointment.. March 17, 2009.. I was weighed, came in at 80 lbs with a heart rate of 38 bpm and was sent straight to Childrens. I hated it. I wanted another chance. I didn't want to go! I felt so ashamed that I had to be hospitalized for this. They had estimated 4-7 days... I wound up being stuck there 22 days! I was ready to break out.. the worst part was I had to spend my sixteenth birthday there. I got out the very next day and actually did really well at home. I'm not sure how much I weighed when I left but by the summer I'd gotten up to weighing 100-103 by then! That was a really good weight for me, honestly. I'm five foot one and a half inches, so it was healthy. I still had to go to doctor appointments, nutritionist appointments, therapy, and group therapy though and I hated that! I didn't mind group so much, but I was tired of everything else. My doctor began making some bull crap accusations about me and I got P.O.ed. She was wrong and I was tired of being told I was doing something I wasn't. So finally after having a melt down in the clinic and making my Mom realize how much more damage they were doing (by making my upset and feel down), I got to stop going in October '09. From the summer of '09 through all of January '10 I'd spend 8-10 hours of my day in my room, doing crunches in my floor. I had to do them... they were like my heroin, they fed my addiction.

I did well for a while, but had a major down fall in the summer of 2010. It wasn't just anorexia, it was depression and self harm, and suicidal thoughts. It got really bad, but somehow managed to pull my way back up... part of it was as a way to prove someone wrong. That worked for a month or two, but I relapsed again in the fall and wound up weighing 85 lbs. again. The winter time this last year was the worst, I'd barely eat again, but I began trying again in the spring, followed by another little slip in June and early July, but I've been doing really well since then.

I'm up to 95 pounds and feeling really great and confident about life and recovery. I feel this time I have something I didn't have before, and that's motivation and something to actually live for. I'm beginning to want this more for me than just for my family. I still want to prove to them I can do it and make them proud, but I mainly want to enjoy life to the fullest! I want to have a normal college life, be able to let loose, eat food out, eat when I want to instead of having a strict schedule, I want to have energy and be able to have fun. To eat candy or junk food on occasion without the guilt. To be able to focus and have better memory. I want to be Reilly.. anorexia is no longer my identity, it's my PAST.

I've let this dictate 22% of my life (see I still like doing equations haha) and that's enough. Actually that's way too much, but the point is I don't want to allow it to dictate another percentage, year, month, week, day, hour, minute, second of it!

I want to have healthy, full, shiny, beautiful hair!

I want strong, healthy, pearly white teeth!

I want long, strong nails.

I want soft and smooth skin.

I want energy that radiates through my entire body!

I want the freedom that comes with recovery.

I want that sparkle back in my eyes that I have when I'm healthy!

I to give my body the chance to grow boobs and some booty if that happens to be in my cards haha!

I want to go out and have fun with friends and laugh and be carefree!

I want to live life. You can't really live if you're under the control of an eating disorder.

I'm sure anyone trying to recover, or needing to recover is thinking well I want that too but I can't accomplish that. Bull hockey! You just have to work at it.

1. At first, you're going to feel full or fat or uncomfortable. Don't freak out! It goes away and your body gets use to having normal nutrition, you just have to let it get back into the swing of things.
2. Sleeping enough, sleeping normal hours, and setting a routine for yourself does WONDERS for your mood and body.
3. Getting out and being more social is crucial. If I hadn't of made any attempts to get out and experience some 'normal' life I'd probably still be in terrible shape. I know you think you're satisfied with your little ED routine you have going on, but you're actually missing out. And one you start getting the taste of the good life, you realize how miserable a life of ED rituals really is.
4. Constantly remind yourself of your goals! Make collages, make list, scrap book, do something! I find myself constantly making list of reasons why I want to recover and things I want to do that require me be recovered.
5. Keep busy. Less time you have to sit and think about food/exercise/B&P/restricting/calories/fat/etc. the better! If you're going out to the movies, playing soccer, out dancing, redecorating a room, volunteering, playing laser tag, going shopping, etc. you'll be more focus on that, on living, on having fun, and essentially having a more normal life.
6. Get rid of your clothes that don't fit you! Seriously, do it, no excuses. Go, do it now. If you have clothes that are too small or too big get rid of them. If you need to gain weight having clothes that are too small will only be "allowing" yourself to get to the size were you can fit them again. If your clothes are too big then you're not going to feel as confident in them. Honestly, having clothes that fit your body does wonders for your self-esteem!
7. Find hobbies you enjoy- painting, photography, singing, playing an instrument, making videos, scrap booking, reading, movies, music, pottery, baking (but not if you intend to B/P or just binge on it... if you have to bake something and give it to friends, family, or even a homeless shelter), knitting/crocheting, sewing, writing, board games or card games, dancing, biking, playing or watching sports, have a lemonade stand or car wash, skip rocks, rock climb, miniature golf... there are so many things you can do, go have fun!
8. Remember moderation... there aren't bad foods really, anything can be okay as long as you eat it in moderation.

I guess most importantly is realize you are going to slip up, you may relapse, you will have those days were everything goes wrong and you just feel like crap.. BUT, you're worth it. You do deserve to recover and have a full, long, healthy life. You are meant to be happy and to get to have fun. You matter. And you are loved.

So last night I had a really freaky dream!

I felt like I had something on the top of my left big front tooth, so I grabbed a tooth pick and stepped in front of a mirror so I could analyze what I was getting off my took. I couldn't really see anything, but I still decided to skim the top of my tooth with the pick and my tooth practically began crumbling before my very eyes. At first it was just a little bit, but I was still alarmed by the small dent/whole forming on my tooth so I told me mother. By the time I found her and informed her of my situation, the tooth to it's left had began doing the same thing!

I insisted on being taken to the dentist immediately! Somehow instead of us going there, they ended up at my house..? My tooth was slowly crumbling away and I was freaking out! While my Mom and the dentist (who was a lot younger and a lot more handsome than my actual dentist LOL) talked, they got into a heated argument. The dentist ended up slapping my mom on the face and then the assistance got involved trying to calm things down.. all the while my teeth were disintegrating. The assistance told the dentist that he'd have to fix my whole mouth and for free in order to avoid legal issues, I guess for assault?

With that settled, my Mom drove me to the dentist as I cried because I was so distraught about my teeth. They were getting so bad I feared he wouldn't be able to repair them and I'd spend the rest of my life looking like a toothless hillbilly! When I got there I sat down and waited for him to start, but then overheard him saying that he wouldn't be able to use any drugs or numbers so I started stressing over how much pain it was going to be...

Before he even got into the room to work, I woke up and immediately felt for my teeth! After discovering they were all still there and whole, I got up and went straight to brush my teeth.

I've already brushed four times today, plus I flossed. I know that was just a dream, but it really freaked me out!

Our bones and teeth are a reflection of our overall health... I definitely don't want my teeth to suffer any because I don't take good care of my body... I'm going to bed now.. Hopefully I only dream of good things tonight!

 I've mentioned a secret project I've been working on and I'm finally ready to reveal it...

I posted this in early July and I really appreciated all the feedback I got on it.

However, I seem to throw that all out the window and went a completely different way than I even thought about doing at that point! Lol. Remember, this is what my room use to look like...

Three walls blue (as the color on the left); one wall teal; and the back of my door, the trim, and the window ceils were purple... I am in love with the new look now! Check out the video for full tour/details

*EDIT* Ah screw it! I'm hoping you'll watch the video because I put a lot of time and effort into making and uploading it, but I'll also add pictures as well...

New stuff! The bed sheets (which is obviously the same color as my pillow case) are completely new, along with my new comforter. It's so soft and comfy! My old comforter was purple and shiny and slick, so it was terrible during the winter; this new one is pretty and soft and warm and super comfy! Love.

Back of my door and the trim is no longer that deep purple... yay! Nice, clean, plain white.

*clears throat* Pardon the junk. I still need to find a place to store my shoes and purses.. along with my hair and make up stuff. I'll also be needing new curtains on account of my old curtains being dark purple and hot pink... I want a white/sheer/lacey/sort of see through type material for my curtains but we'll see...

This is what is replacing my old chest of drawers. It was bulky and dark brown and not very cute and it took up a lot of space [yeah, I know that's the same thing as bulky.. shut up.] so I got this and handed my old chest of drawers down to Connor.. he loves it. This works better for me, plus it convinientally fits inside my closet!

Oh yeah, that far right corner there.. the one on the same side of the closet wall... that's were my mirror is going to be hung up. That way I'll be able to use the plug in that's currently hidden behind my desks leg... I think the desk is in a nice spot.. it'll provide me with some natural lighting while doing my home work and studying in here all year long.

I still need a chair for my bottom... That's a necessity. My night stand will probably move over to the side of my bed and I need to find a spot for my stereo and other random crap still, but it's coming along... Oh, and fingers crossed my Dad is able to extend my cable that far... that's really where I want my tv to be.

It took Thursday, Friday, and Saturday from 7:30 or 8:00 am until 3:15pm to finish it all. Then I did a few touch ups and removed the tape on Sunday, and Monday I started reorganizing all my junk. Painting is way more tiring than I remembered. Plus I had to go to work straight away after showering and worked 6-6.5 hours straight, then I'd come home, eat, and get 4-5 hours of sleep before having to start all over again. Oh, and Saturday night I stayed out playing glow soccer, so I'm definitnely playing catch up on sleep now. [Sorry I look so crappy in that picture... especially the weird face haha.]

Welp, I like it! WHAT DO YOU THINK!?

I'm... I'm so confused. This is so unusual... but in a strangely nice way. I think it's what most people call... normal.

I haven't talked all that much about my eating disorder or recovery in a while, so I thought I'd give a little update on that. I took a step back in June and early July as far as recovery goes, but I've been working on turning that around. I keep reminding myself I want to be healthy when I start college. It'll help me concentrate, have energy, be able to remember things easier, make more friends, be more social and active, and over all enjoy life more. That's big motivator right there. I've also been pushing my boundaries more...

When I went up to Fayetteville for Erin's knee surgery I had a six inch sub for breakfast, then a piece of toast later on in addition to my first breakfast. I had a grilled cheese sandwich. (With regular cheese!!!) I had a SNOW CONE! And I still ate dinner that night, having a grilled chicken sandwich and garden salad from wendy's on the way home.

At Erin's home birthday party I ate a strawberry cupcake with everyone and for dinner.. I ate steak, baked beans, squash, and watermelon for dessert. I can't tell you the last time I ate steak.. it's definitely been more than five years! That was a major win for me.

Two days later at Erin's Fayetteville party I had tacos with everyone for dinner and I even ate a big bowl of strawberry and vanilla ice cream! I did feel anxious and a little guilty after the ice cream, but I told myself everyone else was doing the exact same thing and they were okay. They didn't have to go exercise right away nor did they balloon up, so I could do just like them and be okay too. Rationalizing like that, really helped!

Saturday night, I ate at work. Well, my Mom brought me a sub up there (I'd forgotten my wallet, so I couldn't have ordered bar food even if I wanted to), but I ate while there! I haven't done that in over a year. Partially because I feel like I need to be at the hostess stand all the time, but still. I ate about 9:20 so my food could start digesting before I went out to play glow soccer right after work.

Speaking of which, I consider glow soccer a nice triumph as well. I had energy and was able to keep running up and down the field and was BEAST at it! I did get knocked around a bit, but I was able to get back up and keep going. Being able to play a game that required that much energy and not get too winded or tired in the game felt AWESOME!

Sunday I went to a baby shower at my church. I hadn't planned on eating, or even thought about there being cake and stuff there (besides, usually it's chocolate and I don't do chocolate). However, when I got there and saw it was white/yellow cake with white and blue frosting I decided to have some! I primarily ate the frosting but who cares, that's my favorite part anyways. I also had some nuts and punch.

Later that night I made chicken tacos for me and Joseph.

Yesterday I made this...

[chicken breast, fresh green bell peppers, fresh onion, diced tomato, a little tomato sauce, chili powder, and greek seasoning]

If I'd thought in time I would've steamed some rice to go under it, but there's always another day. I also had broccoli with it. Oh, later on with my turkey sandwich which I had for dinner, I had a handle full of tortilla chips... I honestly can't even recall the last time I ate those either!!

This morning, I made a super omelette! I normally only do egg whites, a splash of milk, and a slice of turkey in my omelet... today I went all out!

Three large egg whites, splash of milk, fresh green bell peppers, freshly chopped onion, slice of turkey, and a sprinkle of mozzarella cheese!

And a piece of whole wheat toast with grape jam lightly spread on it.

I was quite proud of myself! Especially since my Mom and older brother left this morning to take some stuff up to Erin in Fayetteville and will be gone pretty much all day. Meaning, I have the perfect opportunity to skip all eating today if I chose to do so, but I won't do that because I'd be hungry, grumpy, weak, and miserable.

My body's just starting to get use to eating regular again and I like it. I weighed myself this morning and I was 94 pounds. I checked out my stomach after that and I look thin still. Actually... I look skinnier than I thought I did back in the winter when I weighed 84-86 pounds. My legs look better too. They're still about the same size, but they're a lot more muscle-y now. I'm getting arm muscle back again. (I'll post a picture I took making a muscle later... I just can't now because it'd ruin my surprise project.)

The best part about it is I'm getting less 'ritually'. I don't have to wake up at 7:30am. I try to, but if I'm exhausted or was up way too late the night before hanging out with a friend I can sleep in a little. I don't have to do five, ten, or twenty minutes worth of crunches in the morning. (I before I started xanga back in summer '09-January '10 I spent 8-10 hours in my room doing crunches. I had panic attacks if I missed any of that time.) I can go out after work and get together with a friend now if I want. I can be more spontaneous. I'll be able to work eating into my school schedule. Plus, with cutting hours back from work, I can begin eating dinner at a normal time again! I can eat somewhere between six and eight instead of eating dinner from 9:30pm-11:30pm depending on what day it is and how late I work! That'll be awesome.

Oh, and yesterday I went through my closet and got rid of donate to goodwill more stuff and mentioned to my Mom how I was getting rid of some of my jeans that I wasn't comfortable in and I found a pair I bought last fall/winter. I hadn't wanted to buy them because I didn't like the fact that they were such a small size, yeah they fit, but I was embarrassed I was so small. She said if they fit now I should buy them, we could buy new ones when I actually needed them. I only have two pairs of jeans (which I like, three pairs I can wear) now and one pair of sweat pants. I know this coming fall/winter I'll have to splurge and by myself a few new pairs of jeans. She said she'll buy me a pair when it's time since she's proud of me.

This has gotten quite long, so thanks to all who read all my ramblings, and I'll end it with one last thing I said to my Mom last night...

"Jeans should fit me... I shouldn't fit into them."

I was going to try to update today anyways, so when I saw that my "uploadable" picture bar at 0% instead of 100% I was so thrilled!

Allow me to catch you up on how life's been for me... Basically once I got home from Fayetteville I went to the store to get some needed supplies then began preparing for my project. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I spent all my day working. I worked on my project from about 8am until just right after 3pm, when I would shower and get ready for work from 4-10pm.

Dan finally hired a new hostess. She seems like a winner. [Note, sarcasm.] We were talking about school and college and she said she wasn't sure she'd even go... school's not her thing and it's expensive. I mentioned to her how I got the Arkansas Department of Higher Education lottery scholarship and it really helps out. She said she wasn't too sure about that since she kind of blew her GPA. I asked if she'd taken the ACT and she said she had.... she got an 11... *facepalm* HOW IN THE WORLD DOES ONE SCORE AN ELEVEN ON THE ACT!?!? Oy!  She also called in sick Thursday because she'd been sick all day.. so she told Dan. The real reason that she told everyone else is because she'd drank WAY too much the night before, didn't wake up 'til four (thirty minutes before she was due in), and couldn't stomach anything. She also has a court date set because she was busted for possession, public intox, and being out after curfew... she's only 17. Sounds like a winner, eh?

After work, my Dad picked me up and drove me over to North Little Rock to meet up with Joseph and a bunch of his friends to play GLOW SOCCER! For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it's soccer played at night with a glow in the dark soccer ball while wearing glow stick bracelets. I'd never played before but it was freakin' amazing! We divided into teams yellow and green vs. blue and purple. I was on green/yellow. We had around 25 people there and it was so much fun. I actually managed to score a goal! And I'd never played soccer before, period. I was a beast! I did get roughed up a bit though...

Early in the game on of my teammates went to kick the ball really hard (it probably would've gone about 3/4 the field) and since it was dark and people were trying to steal the ball he kicked it and I was facing him, only about 5 feet away. It nailed me right in the sternum and took me down! Holy hell it hurt! It knocked the wind out of me and I was down for a minute, however after regaining my breath I got back up and was ready to go. It seriously felt as though it'd fractured my sternum.

We played until we were tied three to three then had half time. Once we were back I had another take down. As I went to kick the ball, someone on the other team did as well, and like many other times my feet got knocked out from under me. This time they knocked them out sideways at such a force that I did a 180 degree flip sides and landed on my head then shoulder. [Man, I wish someone had been recording us in night vision mode, that must've looked really awesome!] It knocked the wind out of me again, and as soon as I could breath again I commented "They really should make the ground softer" which made everyone laugh while letting them know I was okay, as they were all circled around me in anticipation. I also hit shin to shin with someone one time which really hurt and gave me a huge knot on my shin instantly, but I just kept moving. In the second half people were getting distracted and stuff so the scoring aspect wasn't as important, I think my team lost 3-5 but it really doesn't matter. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!

After the game Joseph drove me home (it was probably about 1am?) and then he came in and we talked and joked around until he left about 3:45am. The next morning I was so sore. My butt feels bruised, as does my left hip. My left thigh has several scrapes on it. My right knee has two bruises, while my right shin has four bruises and a major knot! Some how getting hit in the chest made the right side of my jaw ache and also the inside of my right ear is tender (anyone know why that might be?). My sternum was very tender. My trapezius and the right side of my neck are tense and I have a bruise on my left shoulder. I CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY AGAIN!

Yep.. that's my shoulder. Nice, eh? That was taken at like 4 in the morning, when I got up the next day, it'd became even more purpley haha.

Sunday I did a few finishing touches on my project, it's all done now, I just need to arrange it correctly. Then I went to a baby shower at my church for baby Maxwell He's so cute! Then I cooked dinner for me and Joseph. I made chicken tacos He came over at 9:30pm (it would've been earlier but he got delayed) then we ate and watched the Notebook. Neither of us had ever seen it so we were curious what all the hooblah was about. It was a sweet movie, and I'm proud to admit neither of us cried of even sniffled! Take that. Then we watched tv and chilled until 1:30am-ish when he headed home. It makes me sad he's heading back up to Fayetteville next Saturday

My chicken tacos... they were pretty awesome. Just sayin'

I'll do a photo blog shortly to catch you guys up on some of the pictures I took at Erin's birthday party and other stuff