June 18, 2013

  • ARE YOU KIDING ME!!!!!??????

    Umm.... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!! This bitch is seriously going to try to induce labor before her baby is ready just so her selfish/self-centered ass can be more comfortable!! Yeah, pregnancy is uncomfortable, but if you can't commit to the full time then don't get knocked up!!!!! 
    #%UIEFNWEIHT!#@HTQIETHIQ
    I told Trey, so hopefully he'll mention it to his parents and they can talk some sense into her. 
    Also, why the fuck does she have an induction date set... they don't normally induce  (especially on the first baby) unless it's overdue. She's not in medical danger or anything.. she just wants to comfy again. Her doctors an idiot too. 
    I#HT@#FINING@HGIERNG Gahhh! She just infuriates me sometimes... poor baby. Hopefully she doesn't rush her out before she's ready. :/

June 15, 2013

  • Babbling about today mainly

    This morning my alarm went off at 7:20am. 

    I'd set it for that because I wanted to get up and get a run in before starting my day. 
    I fell asleep around 11-something last night, but woke up at 2am and was up for an hour and a half or more. 
    I really wanted to keep my bed company, but I managed to get my ass out of bed and get my running shoes on.
    I only did a mile (which was my plan anyways) and it sucked lol. The temp felt good outside, but man... I felt super dehydrated. I'm definitely going to try to drink more water today and rehydrate myself.
    After I got back I cooled off and then went to lay outside. I went out too early so the sun was still semi behind the trees and out of the 60 minutes I spent out there, I only got maybe 20-30 minutes of good sun. 
    I know I have to wait until 8:45-9am to get good sun, I was just being impatient lol. 
    I'm reading this book Shelby suggested a month or so ago called "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. It's good. There's like no punctuation aside from periods/exclamation points, and the rare comma which is sort of annoying, but nonetheless, the book is good. I've read 403/430 pages, so I'm thinking I'm going to try to run by the library after work today. Well, assuming that's possible. I work 12-4pm and I'm on-call 4-7pm. I don't see them using my on-call unless Allie is still "sick". Yesterday I stayed two extra hours to help cover the part of her shift that didn't overlap with my shift because she supposedly ate bad Chinese food. 
    I'm not sure I believe that though... Like Monday she was posting stuff about going to Hot Springs to hang with friends, then Tuesday at work she said her sis had asked her to babysit for her those days, so she'd still be in Hot Springs, but not having fun. Then Tuesday night, I see a bunch of post and one of them is like "OMG DRUNK" ... 
    It's not like it really made a difference to me what she did.. it's not like I was invited nor was I going to ask to tag along, so why she seems to have lied about it doesn't make sense but whatever. And I get a feeling Thursday night she was still in Hot Springs and had a little more fun than she should've considering she worked at noon the next day, but whatever. If she's there today then I probably will get off at 4pm and that means I can run by the library. If not, I'll get off at 7 and it closes at 6pm.. so we'll see. 
    There's not a whole lot of point to this post, but I felt like writing, so yeah. Originally, I was just going to make a pulse about dragging my ass out of bed, despite it being so comfy! (lol) and running a mile this morning.. and being proud of that. But... there wasn't enough room in the pulse space for all that so I came here and started babbling.
    I have two weeks left as of today until Trey gets back. It still seems like a lot, but it's better. I put in a request at work to be an opener on Saturday so I can hopefully ride with his parents to the airport to pick him up. I also mentioned it to Leah, so I don't think it should be a problem. I'm just ready to have him back and to get cuddles and hugs. I miss him.
    Well, I'm going to put a little mascara on I guess and make sure I'm ready for work. Work is good... it gives me something to do, keeps my min occupied, builds my bank account up some, and usually cheers me up. The last couple of days I've felt somewhat depressed, despite work. Hopefully today is a different story. 

June 10, 2013

  • I'd rather live in a Pineapple under the sea...

    I’m ready to have my own place. Well, my own place with Trey.I loved it when we had our apartment together and wish that’d never stopped.Since his roommate (who got the place with Trey about the time I entered the picture) didn’t like the idea of living with a married couple (we’d just gotten engaged ), Trey talked to the guy who owned the apartments and he was willing to let Trey out of the lease because of the situation. (I wasn’t officially on the lease and didn’t pay rent, that was going to change before TJ complained about us being engaged, so I wasn’t on lease or anything.)

    {I really don’t see what the big difference was between living with a boyfriend/girlfriend couple and a married couple  is/was, but whatever.}

    So Trey and I looked for an apartment we could get together and found one. We put a deposit down and it was supposed to be ours in mid-January.However, late November-early December Trey lost his job at the liquor store because the owner realized he couldn’t work there until he was 21 (and he was a few months away from 20). I was still working at Cajun’s and making good money,but he couldn’t let me pay the rent and utilities until he found a new job by myself so he ran by the place and got out of the lease and even got out deposit back.

    He moved in with his parents and I sort of tagged along. I’m not sure how it even happened, but I ended up living there too. I lived thereuntil a year ago (June 2012) when I got kicked out because… well, there was a lot of shit going on with me and it just had to happen.

    I’ve been at my parent’s house since. I hate it here. I but heads with my Mom. And I hate my oldest brother. He’s controlling and a freak.He tried to strangle me once (I think it was over something related to my eating disorder when I was 15 or so) and most of the freezer is taken up by his food so there’s barely room in it for anyone else to have frozen food, he has two shelves in the cabinet, the family food- I don’t feel as though I can really eat that. My Mom says I can have stuff that she makes but it’s already claimed really (she makes some for her and Connor and then what’s left is usually what Dad has for dinner so it’s not really available because I know other people are going to be expecting it later).

    I have bread, yogurt, bananas, and cereal that are mine. If there’s eggs I’ll eat that too, but my Mom always bitches about the smell.Turkey (like deli meat) I snack on when we have but there isn’t any right now.I get an apple or two a week. There’s mesquite chicken in the freezer but if I eat that I get complained at too sometimes. And that’s about it.

    When I’m at Trey’s, we have a rice cooker and we make steamed rice and cook chicken and do it up Asian-y or Indian style. We make eggs and potato hash and other shit. That’s another thing.. over there, I’m allowed to cook. My Mom bitches at me if I use her kitchen to cook anything.She’s a control freak too.

    I’m not allowed to cook, clean up after myself, I can’t do my own laundry, she cares more about her new floors that me (it feels like that at least sometimes). 

    She knows Connor smokes pot but doesn’t seem to give a shit.And it fucking pisses me off when I try to go to the bathroom and it stinks like a fucking blunt.

    I’m just tired of being here. Since Trey left, I’ve dropped maybe 5 lbs. Like, back in the school year I was between 120-124 lbs. Then after school got out, I lost a little bit more.. that was just eating less after I got over that horrible stomach bug. It was terrible and I couldn’t eat much for maybe three days after it (playing it safe to avoid upsetting my stomach more) and after that it felt like my stomach had shrunk some (though I realize it probably takes longer than even a week for it to shrink) but I wasn’t as hungry. Then I was sitting at 118 lbs or so… Then let’s see… Trey’s been gone for two weeks tomorrow.

    The day he left and maybe the next day or two, I barely ate because I felt depressed. (I think it was Tuesday-Thursday… tried eating more on Friday… idk.) Anyways, I’ve been trying harder to eat well and I’m not feeling as depressed (at least, not to the point where I’m just lying in bed crying depressed, still down though) but now there’s like nothing to eat!

    I weighed myself this morning and my house scale said 110(Which REALLY means, 113-114… it’s old and off by like 3 pounds- I’ve compared it to the scale at the gym and doctors.) Still, that’s not good. It’s not super horrible but it needs to stop and it needs to go up a few lbs.

    I’m just ready to have my own place with Trey… and that probably won’t happen until we’re out of school because if he goes to PA school, he’s not allowed to work when he’s in the program… unless he goes in through the army (which is a backup plan), in which case, we’d get married before he went, so I could live on base with him (it’d be in Houston, Texas).

    Mehhh..

June 9, 2013

  • Fucking bullshit

    So I was supposed to work 10-6 yesterday... 
    One of my managers (Angie) asked me to stay until seven because the girl who was supposed to work til seven was complaining and kept wondering off. I agreed to help. Then at seven, she told me she would like to use some of the on-call hours the girl (Cierra) originally had assigned to her, in order for me to help stock and get the floor looking good. I was fairly tired, but still, I agreed to help. 
    So rather than having an 8 hour shift yesterday, I worked 11.5 hours. 
    I stopped by the store today to grab my water bottle I'd forgotten last night and a different manager (Leah, the chief manager) fussed at me for staying extra. I tried to explain that I had only stayed because Angie asked me to. 
    There was also a note she had left on the sheet up front said 3 on-call hours could be used if we hit a certain amount of sales ($4500). 
    {Angie saw that when she asked me to stay. We were at $4,500 yet and I told her to me it looked like we could use the hours if we had already reached 4500 at the point she chose to use the hours (and at that point we were still around $4,200). She interpreted it as she could use the hours if we looked at though we would hit $4,500 by the end of the night. I really thought she was wrong, but since she was the manager on duty, I listened to her (after voicing my fear of getting her in trouble if she was wrong about it).}
    I guess I was right though, because Leah still got mad at me for the extra hours. She said we were over two hours for pay-roll, the two hours I stayed extra. 
    I tried explaining the note she had left, Angie's interpretation of it, and how I was only doing as the MOD asked, but I guess it was still my fault for listening to the person in charge. -.-
    So by simply doing as I was asked (and I didn't even ask for the extra hours! I opened and closed! I like extra hours but I wouldn't have signed up for that unless it was requested of me) I got in trouble. And it didn't even seem like she was registering that I was doing what Angie asked. Maybe she'll fuss at Angie too (though I don't want Angie fussed at or in trouble), but I don't think it was fair for her to get onto me about it. 
    It's just fucking bullshit and I feel bad that we went over on pay-roll by two hours and if Angie gets in trouble, I'll feel bad about that, but fuck man. I don't think it's fair that I got fussed at for doing what a manager asked, whether it was the wrong choice or not. It's just fucking bullshit and the cherry on top of my crap fest. :(

June 8, 2013

  • Short breaking news

    So Trey's sister.. the pregnant one who is younger than me, (still lives in her parents house and plans to have the baby there, knew the guy like a month before she got pregnant, didn't really work until she got pregnant, has no drivers license, just recently bought a car, and thinks she's going to have her own house in a year, oh and who had just had an abortion two months before getting pregnant again.. yeah, her.) 

    She posted something on facebook earlier today. 
    Apparently Daddy-baby (or as she calls him sperminator... blech) has a second baby-mamma...
    What a fucking mess. 
    Anyways, that's all. 
    I just hope that girl can get her shit together for the sake of Demi (her baby), and hopefully before she's born in about 5 weeks.

June 7, 2013

  • Today sucks

    So I know I'm behind on the challenge thing I'm doing, but i've been in a shitty mood the last couple of days or just haven't felt like writing. 

    Today has just sucked.
    Woke up about 9-9:30am (first night in a while that I slept that long without waking up.)
    I had a sucky dream that left me in a foul mood. 
    I didn't work today, so pretty much stayed in the mood.
    Well, first I went to lay outside in the sun around 9:45am.
    Came in around 11am showered off. Then went to make a bowl of cereal for breakfast.
    In the middle of making my cereal, I went into the living room to ask my Mom a question and evidentally whatever was on tv was super important because the 2 secs I was speaking before she motioned for me to shut up, ruined the show and she turned it off. I told her to turn it back on but she said it was too late. (Fucking really?! Grow the fuck up woman!)
    So that pissed me off and I yelled at her from the kitchen to turn the fucking tv back on because that was clearly super important and not to worry, because now I realize that the tv is so much more fucking important than me and that I just shouldn't ever talk anymore. I would've said fuck the cereal, but I'd already began to unpeel the banana I was going to put in it. 
    So I took my cereal to my room, finished it, then went to the gym shortly after that. 
    Ran a mile, did a few tumbling passes on some gym mats that happened to be there, 50 push ups (30 on a balancing ball, 20 normally), 50 inclined sit ups, a few pull ups, and 25 things on each arm {where I was on my hands and knees and I would take a 25 lbs weight and pull it up to my chest/shoulder and bring it back down.}
    Came home, laid out for 30 more minutes before coming in to hopefully skype with Trey. 
    That was at 2:00pm (9pm his time) I stayed by my computer (though I did dose off for maybe 30-40 minutes around 3-4pm) and finally said fuck it at 4:00pm and went to shower off from the gym. 
    I'm pissed that I didn't get to skype with him. I was really wanting to after my dream last night. I'm assuming he went out to a bar or club or some shit since it's a Friday night (now Sat morning) over there. What the fuck ever. 
    If I had a friend to drink with I'd do that too. Hey, I can get fucking wasted and not give a shit enough to consider you too. Anyways, I'm venting and also assuming things. 
    I made a small chicken and egg white sandwich  around 5:30-6pm. Then went out just a minute ago and got a vanilla cone from mcdonalds and went by a redbox to pick up "Warm Bodies". Some dude was trying to flirt with me at the redbox which was sort of flattering, but whatever. 
    He also inquired about my tattoo, which is the eating disorder recovery tat, and I told him what it meant. He said it was cool and he'd never had guessed I had had one because I looked so healthy. 
    I'm glad I can now take that as a compliment. In the past, I can see my eating disordered mind turning that into an insult. I'm glad I look healthy. Hell, I was using heavier weights in the gym today than one guy I saw.. Ha! :P
    I'm still in a foul mood and don't want to interact with people (in person that is, I don't mind people from the interweb). This better wear off before tomorrow because I work 10-6pm. 
    Mehh, and I haven't done any of my homework for counseling yet. It was assigned Tuesday and my next appointment/when it's due is Tuesday. Blllerrrrr
    This is longer than it was supposed to be...

June 5, 2013

  • Day 6 of 10 day challenge

    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust
    Day 6... so five things I can't live without...
    I'll try to not state the obvious like food, water, oxygen, etc.
    1. I'll begin with coffee :)
    2. Trey! I love that man so very much:))
    3. Working out. If I go too long without running or working my arms I feel icky and lazy. It helps me feel better. xp
    4. Music!!
    5. Talking lol. I talk A LOT. If you don't believe me ask Trey I think a lot.. I guess that's what I attribute it to. I just have so much going on in my head and it moves so fast that I want to voice my thoughts, and there are so many that I voice them frequently lol. I don't know.. I'm a chatter box.

June 4, 2013

  • Day 5 of 10 day challenge

    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust
    Day 5... so six songs that I'm addicted to...
    #1. A Lifetime of War by Sabaton :)
    #2. The Price of a Mile by Sabaton!
    #3. There For You by Flyleaf :)
    #4. Justice and Mercy by Flyleaf, also Okay by Flyleaf
    #5. Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People
    #6. Counting Stars by One Republic
    bonus song... Far From Home by Five Finger Death Punch! XP
    Luckily that was an easy one because my day was hectic and otherwise I probably wouldn't have been able to get it posted within the "time requirement". Urber der xpxp

June 2, 2013

  • Crying again.. damnit.

    I've been doing really well the last couple of days. 

    Tuesday, I cried a bunch.
    Wednesday, once or twice. (One time was when he texted me so I'd have his German phone number, but i can't text it much because it's expensive.)
    Thursday I did really well and same thing on Friday. 
    I'm trying to keep busy and distracted and I'm been doing well with that. 
    Yesterday I got up and messed on computer til I had to go to work, then I went to krogers with Allie, got some beers, came back home and had one and showed her minecraft. After she left (which was 2 hours after her one beer), I went up to BAB (Build-A-Bear) and hung out there til they closed, and then I went to cajun's and hung out with Derrick and road around on all the van runs with him. He was done shuttling people around a little after 1am, so I came back here (home), and finished the beer Allie home opened (would have been her second) but after a few sips she decided she didn't want it anymore. Then I went to bed. 
    This morning I went to the nursery and got a facebook message/text from Trey around 11:30am! He'd sent a message about getting his tablet working and trying to skype me tomorrow (now today) around 3am last night and now I'd gotten another message! He messaged me for about 30 minutes then disappeared (for dinner apparently) and a little after 1pm he started messaging me again. I got home and saw he was on skype, so at 2pm I called him. My mic didn't seem to be working so he talked and i typed. 
    After 30 minutes the video quality got really bad because his battery was about to die so we had to say our goodbyes and he's going to try to get  a converter so he can charge his tablet up again. 
    When I got his message around 11:30 I felt like crying a little but I tried not to and on skype I was holding back tears a few times. Once he ended the skype call I couldn't help but crying. 
    I just miss him a lot and I really wish I could have cuddles with him. I saw his face on skype and I was just like, I want a hug. 
    So now I'm sitting here, hugging Lil Sergeant Scriff (camo bear) and wishing it was Trey... and trying to calm down so I can leave my room and maybe distract myself some more. 

  • Day 4 of 10 day challenge

    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust
    Day 4... so seven fears or phobias...
    1. I'm afraid of being unloveable.
    2. I'm also afraid of being abandoned.
    3. I'm afraid of failure and not being good/smart enough.
    4. I'm afraid of snakes and spiders.
    5. Cockroaches! I'm terrified of those things... like at school one morning, one snuck up by me and I saw it and FLEW across the room! Screamed and everything lol.
    6. Driving in the rain. Huge fear there. If it's really bad, I get super tense and anxious. 
    7. Umm... I'm claustophobic when driving lol. I can't stand having to drive through narrow spaces, I like hold my breath and suck in. 
    Well, there's seven. Still at the nursery. Time's going by slow. I just got Sam in here now, so I guess that'll give me something to do now. Later.