I know this battle's hard, but you can beat it and actually begin to live life.

I know how feel and most likely, how you think. Trust me, I didn't use to believe there could be a life after ED. I always thought at the most you could 'survive' after ED, but you still wouldn't really be living. I thought it be more like forcing yourself to do what you knew was right, but it's not exactly like that. Once your brain is more nourished, you begin to see things more clearly and you're able to think properly.

Food can become your friend instead of your enemy. You look forward to it, and realize food really is your fuel for life and it really can be a yummy fuel. You're able to move on to not only thinking and worrying about food. The best part is you can pick out what you want based on your hunger and what you're in the mood for, instead of having to go with the lowest calorie/fat item.

The OCD lessens. I know personally I use to be very compulsive and had a lot of rituals that I had to do, and being free of that is amazing. I never really understood how trapped I was in the little "routines" until I got free of them and then was like "oh my goodness, it's so nice not to HAVE to do XXX (whatever it might have been)."

I've always been a little bit introverted when I would first meet someone, but the eating disorder magnified that. Instead of being able to open up to someone and let me personality shine through after a little bit, I would stay isolated most of the time. Maybe it's the lack of energy- I don't know- but it's hard to be happy and peppy and social when you're lost in your eating disorder. You don't feel like you fit in with anyone.

The eating disorder also gives you a false sense of happiness. It leads to depression, and even when you think you're fine or you're happy, you probably aren't. Sounds weird but trust me, looking back there are times when I thought I was happy, but now I can compare it to how I feel now and I know I wasn't really happy.

There isn't happiness with ED. There's not love. There's not excitement. There's not joy. There isn't life. You can exist with ED, but who really wants to just exist? Personally, not me. I want to LIVE! And that's not an option with ED. And despite the little lies your eating disorder tells you, there IS a life after ED and it's magnificent.

It's the life where you can do what you want, you have energy to run around and act crazy, you can laugh and have fun with you friends, you can remember things and concentrate, you can rest better, you actually can feel confident and beautiful, you can go out with friends to eat or get ice cream without feeling guilt! Yes, you can eat and feel GUILTFREE!

This life offers you so much more. Instead of spending all your time exercising, binging and purging, or thinking about food, you can read a book, work a puzzle, watch a movie, hang out with your friends, climb a mountain, or study for the exam coming up. Speaking of school, you'll be able to concentrate and remember stuff so much easier, PLUS you can sit at your desk without the wooden chair hurting your bones! You can go to a party with friends, you can go take pictures, paint a picture, lay out in the sun, swim, you can go tubing, you can go play soccer or volleyball.

Instead of going to doctor appointments and therapy sessions who can go to the mall and go ice skating. Instead of spending a lot of money on binges, you can save up for a new camera or add to your music collection. Instead of taking years off your life, you could be making these years count!

So don't listen to the lies ED tells you. You aren't doomed to fail. You can escape it's clutches and live for yourself. Just because you try to recover doesn't mean you're going to fail; nor does it mean you'll just relapse again in a matter of years. Recovery is 100% possible! Just because you're eating a normal amount of food doesn't mean you're going to balloon up, become fat, and everyone laugh at you. It doesn't mean you'll even look bad in clothes; personally, I've gained a little weight and muscle as I've recovered and I look BETTER than I did before.

Hang in there, you can overcome this and make it to life after ED. Even when you feel the anxiety building up and you can't stop thinking about all the lies your eating disorder has told you, remember this. They are all just LIES. You are worth so much more. You have so much to live for. You are beautiful and valuable and you DO matter.

Living > Existing.

GRRRR! So I tried uploading a picture about 12:40am and actually stayed up until 2:30am waiting for it to finish uploading. For some reason instead of saying "transcoding" on the video in my video manager it says "video queued"... which I don't understand. This morning after getting up at 7:30am and showering, I checked the video. It still says that... it's never taken seven hours to upload. So I tried to add it again and the video says the same thing. Anyone know what's up?

Oh, and I changed my profile up (while waiting for the video to load..)!

I changed little bits and pieces of all categories, but the biggest change was my "About me:" section. I'd been needing to update it and I finally got around to it last night. It used to say,

"This seems hard to fill out because sometimes I don't feel like I really know who I am, but here goes: My name's Reilly. I'm 17 and 5'2. I've been homeschooled all my life, but that doesn't mean I'm socially impaired. I started gymnastics when I was 2 or 3 and did it for 8-9 years. I did a year of figure skating and loved it but I had to give it up for cheerleading, which I started when I was 11 (right after I quit gymnastics). I became anorexic when I was 14 due to some abuse I went through in a relationship, but I'm working towards recovery. I cut, but I recently told my Dad and he's going to help me get through this. Music makes my soul smile, and I love photography. Sometimes, I feel as though I'm not very good at describing stuff verbally, but a pictures worth a thousand words, right? I love caffeine! Probably a little too much haha.

As you can tell, I sometimes babble on a bit, sorry about that. I guess I'll leave it at that, but if you want to know more about me just ask:)"

And now it says,

"Let's see how much stuff I can cram about myself in here, shall we? I'm 18; 5'1 & 1/2"; just beginning college; homeschooled all the way through high school; worked since I was 14 and currently host at a nice restaurant; recovering anorexic [don't add me if you're pro-ana/thinspo.. sorry]; recovered from self harm; enjoys photography; likes acting silly; just beginning to fully live life "

I like it a lot better now Tell me what you think?

survey

Where is the person you like right now?:
I don't really like anyone right now.

Last time you consumed alcohol?:
Early November, 2010. First and last (for a very, very long) time.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?:
Getting dressed.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?:
Editing my profile

What are you doing this weekend?:
Studying, studying, and studying.

How do you feel about the person who texted you last?:
She's pretty awesome

Have you ever been around someone who was high?:
Yep. On the job...

Do you like your life as of now?:
Very much so.

Last thing you purchased?:
A taco for lunch Wednesday.

Where are you right now, and how do you feel about where you are?:
I'm in my room, sitting at my desk. I should be in bed, but oh well.

Three words to explain why you last threw up?:
Bug or virus.

How’s your heart lately?:
Smiley.

Where did your last hug take place?:
I think my room?

Who was the last person to hold your hand?:
I don't know.

Who are all the texts from in your phone?:
Erin, Miranda, Daddy, Chris Joy, Mother, Joseph, Sydney.

What is the last text in your inbox and from who?:
"Two words. Time. Management. It's a talent." -Erin

Did you have a good birthday this year?:
Ehh, it was decent.

What did you do?
Got my new license, got sushi for lunch, worked.

Are you tired right now?:
Nah.. I wish I was.

How would you feel if your best friend turned out to be gay?:
I don't know if I have a best friend really.

Do you chew on your straws?:
Sometimes. Well, only if it's iced coffee.

Have you ever been called a tease?:

Last facebook message from?:
Errr. I don't know and I'm too lazy to check.

Last phone call?:
Personally? My mother this morning. In general? A call at work... I hate the phones.

Not planning on it.

Do you have curly hair?:
Nope.

Who's house were you at last?:
My parents house/Mine

What time did you wake up this morning?:
7:30am

Why did you wake up at that time?:
I needed to.

What color is your hair?:
brown chicken, brown cow!

Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you didn’t do?:
Probably. There problem, not mine.

As of today, do you like anyone?:
No.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?:
Ahahaha That's a yes

Is your sister a slut?:
NO!

Last thing you ate?:
Honey roasted almonds.

Last person you cried over?:
It wasn't a person... it was anxiety

I don't think so, maybe when I'm stressed.

Do you have any siblings?:
Two brothers, one sister

What should you be doing right now?:
Sleeping

Are you a heavy sleeper?:
Nah

What was the last thing you said?:
"Ha! YES! Freakin' genius!" (Referring to myself obviously lol)

On the way home from work

Beer or Liquor?:
Water.

Do you have any piercings or tattoos?:
yes; my ears each twice

What are you listening to?:
Move Along by The All American Rejects

Do you think its bad to have sex at your age?:
If you aren't in serious relationship, yeah.

Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend at the moment?:
SINGLE!

Were you happy when you woke up today?:
As happy as a person can be when they're woken up by a loud, buzzy clock.

Who was the last person you ate with?:
My Mom, Dad, and little brother.

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?:
Can't recall.. been too long.

Do you like tattoos and piercings?:
Not a whole lot, moderation is good.

Are you in a good mood?:
Why not.

Do you want to have kids?:
When I'm older

Do you smoke weed regularly?:
Never have, never will.

Nope. That sounds heartless.

Have you ever watched a movie drunk?:
No

Has anyone ever told you they were in love with you?:
Yeppers.

Do you believe in true love?:
Yes

Do you like to wear sweatpants?:
In the winter

Are you wearing them right now?:
I'm wearing pajama bottoms... so no.

Have you ever stolen a sign from a street?:
No.. I want one though!

What is something you’d like to have right now?:
More time in the days.

Are you playing hard to get right now?:
No. I'm not playing anything

Do you miss your past?:
Somethings I miss I guess, others I'm glad are gone. I'm content where I am.

Have you ever walked outside completely naked?:
When I was like two I apparently ran to the end of the street and back naked... my older brother and sister convinced me to....

Are you proud of the person you’ve become?:
I'm getting there.

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
No thanks

Are you prepared for insanity?

Are you dating anyone right now?:
No.

What is your area code?
567887643456789876545

Are you short or tall?
Short

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Yes, being catapulted through a windshield is not my idea of fun.

Who was the last person to call you baby?
I don't know

What DVD is in your DVD player?
All About Steve

Where did you buy the shirt you’re wearing now?
American Eagle

The next time you will leave the city/town you’re in?

I don't have plans to do so.

When was the last time you have been called beautiful?
It's been recently

How far is it from your house to Wal-Mart?
15ish

Are you a partier?
No

When should people stop wearing Abercrombie, Hollister, American Eagle, etc?
Abercrombie- immediately. Hollister- now if it has the logo, other wise it's fine. And I have no problem with AE

Do you bother painting your toenails in the winter?
No.

Would you call yourself skinny?
Yeah, but I'm trying to gain weight/muscle

Are you easy to talk to?
Depends on my mood

Do you find destroyed jeans good looking? How about rhinestones on the butt area?
No, no.

Which pair of jeans do you wear the most: skinny, straight, or bootcut?
Probably boot.

Are your legs shaking right now?
They actually were right before I read this 0.0

Honestly, if you were a millionaire would you donate to charity?
Yes.

Do you like crab legs? If so, which type is your favorite?
I've only ever had Alaskan.

If I were to hand you the keys to a brand new Camaro, would you be excited?
DUH!

Tell me about the funniest commercial you’ve seen lately.
I don't know.

One interesting fact about your father?
I love him more than anything else in the world (:

I'm screwed.

Last Friday when I had my first day of anatomy and physiology, I was super excited to find out we had to SI's [supplement instructors] and they're each be doing two, one hour long, study sessions a week free of charge. I was ecstatic and planned on going to all four if I could fit them into my schedule.

Well, Ms. Palmer put out her schedule Wednesday and Mr. Agios put his out today...

Monday 1-2pm; Tuesday 12:30-1:30pm; Wednesday 1-2pm; Thursday 1:15-2:15pm.

I'm fucked.

I only have ten minutes between each class on Tuesday and Thursday from 10:45am-3pm; and on Monday and Wednesdays I get out of A/P at 12:50pm then have Algebra at 1:40pm.

None of their times will work out for me, and I talked to the guy SI and he said those were the times that worked best for everyone else, and that's what it'd be all semester. I'm totally fucking fucked.

So I'm basically saying good bye to any social life and any free time; considering if I'm not in class, sleeping, eating, or at work on the weekend, I'm going to be making myself STUDYSTUDYSTUDY.

FUCK!

Before I got off to study, which my Dad interrupted later and kind of through off because we got into a deep talk, I read Secrets Issue 46... there was one inparticular which stood out to me. So while I'm taking a break right before bed, I thought I'd hop on and give a response to it.

I'm assuming by recover you are referring to an eating disorder, considering that seems to be a predominant issue on xanga, but even if it's not an eating disorder and it's actually a drug problem or alcohol problem or self harm... whatever it is... Speak up. Maybe the person you want to ask you doesn't know about your problem. Maybe they know but don't know what to say and they're afraid of saying the wrong thing and making it worse.

Asking for help is never easy, but a lot of time, it can be a life saving choice. And your life is worth saving.

Yeah, this is one of those semi-teasing post where I put a title that implies I'm leaving.

Sorry 'bout that. I was going to just pulse it, then I was like screw it.. I'm blogging it.

I'm getting off so I can study. I have chapter two to read in sociology and history, plus I need to study for anatomy and physiology.

Oh, and here... to make this more worth your time...

I got a new watch for school, since my old one was old and sucky...

You like?

P.S.

If anyone is annoyed I used this little bitty bit of information as a whole blog A) get over yourself and B) posting it makes me more likely to do it and stick to it. Once it's been posted I try to follow through because I feel obligated... Bye bye!

This is my biography for sociology. I don't think it's getting graded actually, I think it's just for her own personal keeping. Anyways, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

My name is Reilly Dougherty. I have lived in Little Rock, Arkansas, my entire

life, and my Mother home-schooled me all the way through high school. I did

competitive gymnastics from the age of three to eleven; then I transitioned

to competitive cheerleading.

            I have always enjoyed photography. I remember getting so much pleasure

out of taking pictures of the buildings, the signs, the statues, the lakes, and the

nature when my family and I traveled to Ontario, Toronto, Canada, for a taekwondo

tournament in 2002. By simply adjusting the angle or settings, I could capture a

moment in time, just the way I envisioned it.

            Just shortly after turning fourteen, I started working at Catfish City

and BBQ Grill. I worked there for eleven months when another job opportunity

arose which interested me. That job, however, was short-lived due to the

restaurant obtaining a liquor license, which restricted a fifteen-year-old from

working there.

            Towards the end of summer, when I was sixteen, I started working at

Cajun's Wharf. I have been there ever since then and love it, most of the time.

This year on my eighteenth birthday, I began my own "Project 365". I take a picture

to commemorate for each day for the entire year. Once I turn nineteen, I will have a

picture for every day of my eighteenth year of life, as a little way to remember something

special from each day. I am now just beginning college, and I am very excited for the

new experiences it is sure to bring.

I've don't have time to sit and take the time to actually write about what all I've been doing, because I've been busy, however, I thought I'd sure some pictures with you guys as a photo update...

Haha, that's his "attractive face"

Saturday was my little brother's 16 birthday, so I took him out to lunch at buffalo grill Sunday, my treat.

Double cheeseburger

Haha, dork.

I got this.. but only managed to eat half! It was really filling, plus I did steal a couple of Connor's fries lol.

This was right before I left to take him. (Camera pictures are a lot bigger than phone pictures, oh well.)

I took this after leaving target Sunday... I got new work shoes. They're ALL black and because of that, they're mens shoes. Target didn't have any solid black womens shoes. -.-

Ahahahaha! I saw this while walking to the Playfair last night! I'll have to tell you guys about that sometime, it was a lot of fun though! Well... sort of.. you'll just have to wait for now.

Today was my first day of lab! Ms. Katie told us we can take pictures of the slides so we can make flash cards for ourselves to study with, so I'm doing that next Wednesday, since my camera should be a little better quality than my phone.

Onion roots hair/shaving

Then my Dad took me, my Mom, and Connor out to Chipotle for dinner! I'd never eaten there before, but it's basically like a mexican subway haha. The line was so freakin' long, so I went to the bath room, took some pictures, and washed my hands while waiting.

Cheesin' lol.

MASSIVE BURRITO!!!! D: Hahahaha, it had chicken, pintos, cilantro lime rice, corn, salsa, lettuce, and hot sauce in it.. and I ate almost all of it! Plus I spilt the least while eating, haha, they were so messy!

I only had time to get one crunchy shelled taco at lunch though, so I was hungry.

Oh.. and it was pouring down rain... like seriously felt like I was in the showering. Plus I had to run out to my Dad's office for copies, then run to school. And I had a little trouble finding my lab class, but managed to get there with five minutes to spare. And I found the writing center (which I'll be taking full advantage of later this year), and I went in the library and explored it a little. And I killed my back because I literally had to run across campus with my 25 pound back pack on and it sucked! NEED.LIGHTER.BOOKS.

I did however, finish and print off my biography for sociology so that's good. I think I did a good job on it.

Off to bed I go!

I feel bad I haven't been able to be on as much the last couple of days, but I've actually been busy. When I have some time I'll try to post about it, but as for now I'll just give you a brief update.

First off, I love college! I'm sure some of this enthusiasm will die down once I start having test, but as for now it's awesome. I usually end up having to walk at least twenty minutes from my car to class, but oh well... at least it hasn't been pouring down rain while I walked yet. Okay... uh, classes.

U.S. History up until 1877. The class is okay, and the teacher's a little quirky, but I don't mind I'm a little quirky too haha. I've never been all that into history though, so hopefully that'll change this year.

Comp 1.  Much to my surprise, I really like this class so far! I love the teacher, she's just awesome and I think it should actually be pretty enjoyable. I kind of hope this teacher does Comp 2 too!

Sociology. Hopefully the material will intrigue me, because other wise this isn't going to be fun at all. The professor says she's open to all opinions and wants just to voice then and have discussions in class, but when you try to say anything against what she thinks or believes you're automatically rejected and shut down. I guess I wouldn't mind her "my way or the highway" type of thinking if it wasn't for we don't seem to see eye to eye on anything lol.

Anatomy and Physiology. I'm a little scared because this is suppose to be a really hard course and this professor is suppose to be a really hard tester. However, judging from the two days (one syllabus day and one actually work day) that I've attended, I love it! Plus, I love the professor.. he's pretty awesome.

Algebra. All the homework and quizzes are done with an online software so I'm thinking that should be pretty cool and then test are given in class of course. The teacher... she rocks.  I think I should be able to do pretty well in this class.

Ummm.... days.

I like Mondays, Wednesday, Fridays best (well, I haven't had a Wednesday yet, but as long as lab goes well I should like it) best because I have classes I like better, plus I'm able to have a short lunch break actually. However, this does have my hardest class and the biggest books... meaning my back pack is the heaviest this day.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are manageable. My back pack is lighter, but the only class I'm really excited for is comp. and I don't have any lunch time. I seriously have ten minute intervals between classes which means I try to bring a granola bar or snack of some kind in my backpack for each quick break.

Speaking of college stuff, I'm going to go grab an ice cream sandwich then head over to campus. There's "Play fair" type thing that's suppose to help you get to know your class mates and yada-yada which I'm interested in attending. Though if I don't care for it there's a "Welcome night" event sponsored by a baptist ministry type group which has a ROCK WALL! Haha, so if I go to that that should be fun. Well, I'm off.

I try to keep up with my subscriptions but if you want to drop a comment telling me how you've been and what you've been up to you're more than welcome to! Got to go <3

I dream of living in a house where my brothers aren't put first.