June 2, 2013

  • Day 3 of 10 day challenge

    I started this yesterday but I ran out of time and had to go to work. I worked, the Allie came over, I showed her mine craft and we talked, then she left around 8pm because she has to go to church tomorrow (and she lives an hour away) since her Uncles preaching for the first time there, then I went to the mall and hung out at Build-A-Bear, and after that I went to Cajun's and hung out- Talked to a few people, but mainly I road around with Derrick when he drove the shuttle to drop people off at their hotels. Anyways, I got home about 1:30am and didn't feel like finishing it then, so now I'm going to try . xp
    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust
    Day 3... so eight things that annoy me...
    1. Sagging pants. Like yesterday at the mall, I was going up the stairs and got stuck behind maybe 5 guys all who had their pants sagging off their ass. Plus, they moved so slow, so I had to stair are their underwear the whole way up the stairs. -.-
    2. Sudden changes in plans. I like consistency and I like knowing what's going on.
    3. The amount of time it takes hair to grow out lol. I wish I could just cut my hair and give myself bangs and then if I changed my mind or didn't want them anymore I could just magically grow my hair out to the appropriate length again. 
    4. When someone doesn't text you back and you know they're not busy and their phone is on them. 
    5. Stupid people. Like those who are so ignorant/arrogant/oblivious to everything. (Mini Rant to follow) -> For instance, Cara, who's a month away from having a baby, who's baby Daddy isn't in the picture, who's going to have to work full time to provide for her child, but is still trying to go to fall this fall. Full time job, college, new born baby... those three don't mix easily. Who's going to watch the baby while she's at school and work, and her ass still doesn't have a drivers license so how is she getting to and from these places while the imaginary person watches the baby? Goals are awesome, but it's time to come back to reality. 
    6. Cigarette smoking. I really despise it. It's gross, the stink penetrates everything it's around. It's bad for you and those around you. And once again, it stinks!
    7. When people see the signs telling them a lane is ending and to merge, but they keep going on until they can go no further and then they expect you to let them in. -.- Especially if it's the way the road is designed (like it's not construction work or something, but the road is set up as two lanes that merge into one at the end of a on-ramp). Unless you have an out-of-state license plate, I'm going to assume you know and even if you aren't from around here, you saw the signs back there. Big pet peeve there.
    8. When people know you're insecure about something or upset about something and they push your buttons or make jokes about it, when they know how you feel. It's like, yeah, aren't you such a funny guy.. no you're an ass. If you know saying something (in a joking manner or not) will upset/offend/embarrass someone, it's no longer a joke. You're being a bully and an ass. 
    Well, that's my eight. Some of them are a little long, but if you don't want to read the whole number, read the first sentence. That's the main part, the rest is venting or examples of it. 
    I'm at the nursery without wifi, so I'll have to post this when I get home.

June 1, 2013

  • P.S.

    I realize my last post was really long but I thought of something else I wanted to update you all on. And rather than adding this to the previous post and making it even longer I figured I'd just post a new short post. 

    I think I mentioned that I didn't have much of an appetite since Trey left and I was having a hard time eating. 
    Tuesday I just had cereal with Trey that morning and then a yogurt later in the day. Wednesday I had a yogurt, a small smoothie and a cutie. 
    Thursday I had cereal, a chicken salad, a yogurt, and toast. 
    Yesterday, I had cereal, a yogurt, and a tuna sandwich.. oh and carrot sticks. Then I drank a huge strawberry (vodka) lemonade. <- At least that was probably packed with calories lol. 
    I've had coffee today and I plan to have some breakfast before work. I don't know what else will be consumed aside from beer tonight, but I'll try to eat more today. 
    I'm not eating awesomely, but I'm trying harder now. I worked out Wednesday a little which is why I had the smoothie. And I also worked out Thursday which is probably why I chose to have the chicken salad. Friday morning I went on a 2.25 mile run outside, which also helped encourage lunch. 
    It's not that I'm trying to starve or lose weight right now. I want to clear that up since the section above makes it look like that. I've just had less of an appetite and working out boosts it. I also know if I want to keep working out, I have to fuel my body properly in order for my body to allow me to do so as I wish. 
    So yeah, still have a slightly reduced appetite, but I'm trying to eat more now. 
    I suppose I'm going to put some mascara on, fix my hair, and eat a little before heading to work now. Later ;)

  • Update over the last four days

    I'm not sure what to write about. I just thought I would. 

    Also, the news about xanga shutting down has made me a very sad panda  
    I really hope something works out.
    My countdown is now to 28 days. So four weeks from today a 5pm, Trey's plane should be arriving. 
    I think I'm doing pretty well. I cried a bunch when he left and on my way home from his house. I went to build-a-bear to hang out for an hour and a half- two hours before going home. That was a good distraction. Then I came home, cried when I entered my room because I guess I realized I was going to be stuck here by myself for the next almost 5 weeks. I layed out in the sun some and then I layed around cuddling my bears. I took some nyquil and probably slept from 4-4:40pm. I moped around some after that, and ended up going back up to build-a-bear to kill time. After that night I'm now hesitant to hang up there when Shelby is the manager because I feel like I just bugged her and talked too much. :/ Angie is really sweet about me coming up there and she understands why I'm there.
    Wednesday, I went to the gym for just a little and I got a text from Trey around 2pm saying that this was his German phone number, he didn't have an international plan yet so it is uber expensive for him to text, he loved me, and he'd tried to text or call when he got a better plan. 
    I worked Wednesday which was awesome. Work provides a great distraction and it really puts me in a good mood. 
    {{ Perks about my job: I play with kids and help them make bears. I can help them dress them, and last night I got to help a little girl, Millie, braid her Rainbow Dash My Little Ponies' hair and put bows in it. The heart ceremonies are great and they always put a smile on my face and usually on the guests faces lol. I like everyone I work with. I get to make the bear and dress them up for display sometimes. It's just an awesome job and an awesome environment to work it. :)  }}
    After work Wednesday, Angie and I ended up talking for like an hour and a half in the parking lot outside! I had no idea we were out there that long lol. Thursday I had counseling and I worked out before it. After counseling, I ran a few errands. I went to lay out around two, and Shelby called and asked if I could work 5:30-8:30 tonight, so I was like Sure! :) That was good and it gave me a few extra hours and kept me occupied. I also got to work with Allie then and we made plans to hang out Saturday night because my closing shift got switched with Cierra's 12-4:30 shift, so yay! 
    Then yesterday I worked 10-2 and was on call for 2-6. They didn't use my on-call, but I did stay over 30 minutes because I was helping a guest with something and we were a little busy. 
    Basically  when I got home I cleaned my room more and tried laying out in the sun (I waited too late because my Mom had cleaned the shower and I was trying not to rush it) so the sun was about to set and it became cloudy, so they was a bust. 
    Then I went to the mall, got some jelly beans, looked in a store and went up to build-a-bear to hang. I kept feeding Allie jelly beans while she worked and I found this one flavor, chili mango... OMG, it was horrible! I had it and was like wtf is this shiz!!! So of course, I had to give it to Allie Lol! It was fun. 
    After closing, Angie wanted a smoke break so Allie and I went out with her (freakin' Allie took on too! :( She's been without for a month, and before that it was a month too. She quit when she started working at BAB so that's three months, but it seems like once a month she has one. I don't want her to start back). When Angie and I came back in, because Angie had more closing stuff to do, the dude from the Pretzel place offered us a lemonade. I was like sure. He offered spiked or regular. Thought he was joking but nope lol. He had pinnacle vodka he added to my strawberry lemonade. Angie knows him very well and he made himself a drink too and Angie one, so I felt comfortable taking it. It was good. :)  
    Today I work 12-4:30 and Allie is going to meet up with me when I get off (since she's off at 2), then we're gonna maybe run to Colonial Wine and Spirits and grabbed a few beers. I'mma introduce her to German beers if she's up to it. Then we're coming back to my house to chill and maybe game. I'm going to show her mine craft and if she can find her cd she's gonna bring Oblivion (which Trey was going to download to my computer, but he never got around to it before leaving). 
    I'm excited :) Well, I'm going to go get me some coffee and probably try to eat a little something before going in to work. 

  • Day 2 of 10 day challenge

    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust

    Day 2... so nine things I do daily...

    And I'll try not to post the obvious like, shower, go pee, eat, drink, sleep, etc.

    1. For the last month, I do a "Feelings Check In" journal entry three times a day. Basically, I list date, time, where I am/what I'm doing, and how I'm feeling. 
    2. Drink coffee! Lol, for those you know me, this might be considered an obvious, but oh well. There are some days where I don't get to have any, but those are infrequent and sucky. 
    3. Check the weather. I like knowing what it is supposed to be like outside.
    4. Eat a banana. Pretty much everyday I eat a banana with my breakfast. 
    5. Listen to music. Not always a whole lot; sometimes it's just on the radio, sometimes it's hours of itunes or running with my ipod. Regardless, it's usually a daily thing. 
    6. Cursing. I should probably cut down on this, but it's probably safe to say I cuss on a daily basis.
    7. Use chapstick. And no, my lips are super dry, I just usually keep it in my pockets and use it through out the day. (Especially in the went.)
    8. Talk to myself. Not like in a super crazy way, but the mildly crazy way XP
    9. And normally, talking to my Scriffy/Trey is a daily thing, but not currently :/

    That'd been a lot easier in the school year because my schedule is a lot more ritaul/habit based and stuff. XP

May 30, 2013

  • Ten day blogging challenge XP

    I saw @smile4leena post this and thought I'd steal it since I'm looking to kill time and posting on here is a good way to do that :)


    Day 1: Ten random facts about yourself. 
    Day 2: Nine things you do everyday. 
    Day 3: Eight things that annoy you. 
    Day 4: Seven fears/phobias. 
    Day 5: Six songs that you’re addicted to. 
    Day 6: Five things you can’t live without. 
    Day 7: Four memories you won’t forget. 
    Day 8: Three words you can’t go a day without using. 
    Day 9: Two things you wish you could do. 
    Day 10: One person you can trust



    So ten facts about me... 

    1. Earlier this month (May 6th) was the two year anniversary of my recovery from self-harming!
    2. I'm really self-conscious about my teeth. :/ If I won the lottery or inherited a large sum of money, I would definitely want to get them all fixed up and looking awesome.
    3. I hate rap. The only song I like that's rap is "Not Afraid" by Eminem because the lyrics really spoke to me at the time it came out. The rest of rap, is just a bunch of stupid noise {in my opinion}.
    4. I need a new iPod desperately. Mine is a hand-me-down from my older sister. I got it when I was 16 and she'd had it a few years before me. The menu button is broken. It takes a miracle to get it to respond. I can go left to right and select songs, but if you bump it off of play all you're in trouble. (That happened today actually -.- )
    5. I love thunderstorms, as long as I'm inside and have no where to be. It's even better if I have my Scriffy (that's Trey) to cuddle up to :) However, if I have to drive in it... HELLS NO! That shiz will damn near give me a panic attack.
    6. I like watching Law & Order SVU, a lot. When I'm at Trey's and I'm in control of the tv I tend to put it on that if it's on. And Trey kind of chuckles and says "You and that rapey show." Lol
    7. Used to, I never imagined myself living outside of Arkansas. Hell, I figured, I'd stay around Little Rock. After visiting Corpus Christi with Trey last summer, I could see myself living there. We also need to visit Florida too :) I definitely wouldn't mind living on/near the beach. 
    8. I actually miss Cajun's a little. Dan has really chilled out a lot and it was good money, plus a guaranteed job. I had to leave though. I was in such a bad place at the time.. I couldn't do it anymore and everything was falling apart. Hard to believe I've been gone a year (plus, one-two weeks). 
    9. I love going to climb Pinnacle! It's a mountain in Little Rock that you can hike up and it's beautiful on the top. :) Super fun and good exercise too
    10. I've never been on an airplane. My Dad drove our van (with 6 people total) up to Ontario, Toronto, Canada I believe it took 2-3 days to get there.. not certain, I was 9 I believe. Toronto was beautiful and the weather was amazing! I loved it and one day, Trey and I are going to visit there. :)

    Boom ten things! I started this before I went to work and finished afterwards. Anyways, I'm watching Psych so yeah

  • Survey I stole from IcECaT123

    1. Get something off your chest. 
    I’m sad that I haven’t gotten any facebook messages or skype time with Trey yet. (I’m impatient.) 

    2. The last dream you remember having. 
    Considering I’ve only gotten a few hours of sleep the last couple of nights, I don’t remember a whole lot. I just know that last night had Trey init L 

    3. Current relationship in details. 
    Engaged. Sunday we’ll have been together a year and eight months. Date not set for the wedding. Trey prefers to wait until we’re out of school.  

    4. A photo of your best friend. 

     

    Yeah, I don’t have friends really… so you get a picture of Trey.. he’s my best friend xp

    5. You have a sleepover with 5 people from Tumblr, who do you pick and why? 
    I don’t have a tumblr

    6. Your last sexualexperience – when/where/how/who. 
    XP

    7. Tell us about someone you hate/strongly dislike. 
    Someone’s judgmental little sister. 

    8. List everything you eaten today. 
    Strawberry banana yogurt, smoothie (made from banana, milk,peach activia, and cinnamon), and a cutie.

    9. Post an unflattering photo of yourself. 

     

    Trey took this one afternoon when I had passed out from studying xp

    10. Post lyrics that are relevant to how you feel right now. 

     I don't even know. All I've listened to recently is Sabaton and I don't feel like thinking that much. 

    11. If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to? 
    If he was home, Trey. 

    12. The last time you were angry and why. 
    Monday about having to go to Cara’s baby shower. Or a little angry Tuesday that Trey’s Mom got there way early to take Trey to the airport and stole 30 minutes with him from me.

    13. The last time you cried and why. 
     A little today, but a lot yesterday because I missed Trey.

    14. How your life was different this time last year? 
    Well, this time last year, Trey and I were going to/in Corpus Christi and having a blast, compared to him being in Germany and me being lonely at home.

    15. Go to your photo folder, go to the first letter of your name and post the first photo. 
    Here ya go…

     
    (Excuse my looking like crap :P )

    16. Would you rather run through town naked at midday or sleep with the most disgusting person you know? 
    I’m gonna pass on both… 

    17. Google your horoscope for today – how accurate is it? 
     Well it's 4am now so today's sounds like it will fit considering how I've felt recently.. Yesterday's- not so much.

    18. You have to spend a day with number 23 on your IM contact list. How lucky are you? 
    I haven’t used IM in forever.. 

    19. Refresh your dashboard, whose blog do you prefer, the first or fifth person to appear. 
     Umm.. the only dash board I know of is on my car xp

    20. Tell us about someone you miss or the time you miss. 
    Big shocker here… I miss Trey.

    21. List things you spend money on in an average week. 
    Gas and groceries/food.

    22. Your plans for summer. 
     Keep busy until Trey’s back and work lots.

    23. Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10. 
     Trey… he needs an infinity symbol. XP

    24. Post the last FB group/page that you joined. 
     Man, I don’t even know. It’s been way too long.

    25. Your best friend starts dating your ex. How do you feel about it? 
     Well since I listed Trey as my best friend… that’s awkward 0.0

    26. Address a few words to 3 people. 

    1. I think we could become good friends. I hope you were serious about wanting to hang out.. I could use a friend.

    2. Reality is gonna hit you hard. I guess you need that though.. maybe it'll knock you out of the "la la world" you're living in.

    3. We were really good friends. You were there for me for a lot and I don't want to lose our friendship, but I'm also tired of being the only one who ever tries to hang out.

    27. Refresh your dashboard. Who would you rather sleep with, the second person or the sixth that appears? 
         No dashboard.

    28. Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship?
     No lol. I’m in one now and there’s no problem about it.

    29. Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they've slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? 
    Better not have. 

    29. What was the last sport you watched on TV. 
     I don’t even know.

    30. How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? 
    Depends on who it is and what they did. 

    31. Is there a guy who knows everything or almost everything about you? 
    Pretty much. 

    32. Ever had a crush on a teacher/someone at least 10 years older/member of the same sex. 
     Nope.

    33. Do you like being alone? 
     Sometimes, right now, not so much.

    34. Describe what youare wearing. 
     Navy shirt that used to be Trey’s and navy shorts- knee length.

    35. Name one thing youlove about winter. 
    Warm coffee! 

    36. What’s your phonewallpaper right now? 
         Three flowers.

    37. Is there someonethat you believe you will always be attached to?
    I think so. 

    38. How did you get one of your scars? 
     One of those bouncy/play houses.

    39. What board games are you good at? 
    Urm, ones played against little kids?


    40. When you like someone do you tell them?

    Depends.

  • Little favor...

    So Lexie (aka @listenslikespring) had done something like this a month or so ago and I thought I'd try it myself. 

    As you all probably know, Trey's gone to Germany to study abroad until June 29th. In ten minutes it'll technically be 30 days left, but his flight isn't scheduled to get in until 5pm, so I'm not sure whether to call it 31 until 5pm or just to call it 30 when it's officially tomorrow. Not the point though...

    My favor is for you to entertain me. I'm spending a lot more time on xanga than I have in a while now, to help keep my mind busy. I like reading about you guys. Updating a lot this month is one way you could help, but what I had in mind was for you to submit stories to me. If you want, it could be fictional, but I was thinking life events or dreams, childhood memories, the day you met the person you knew you were going to marry, your first job, etc. 

    You could submit it in a comment or private message me. It's whatever you prefer. 

    I don't really expect to get many responses to this but I figured it would be worth a try. 
    It can be super personal or simple and silly. It can be fiction or non-fiction (would like to know if it's real or not though), whatever you would want to share. 

    Any if you want to help entertain me but don't want to share any stories you could REC this instead  

May 29, 2013

  • Lil update on me and the last two days

    I might try to do an update after work, but now I'm getting ready for it, so I don't have time. 

    So just a quickie... 
    Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast with Trey. He left at noon and I stopped by Build-A-Bear on my way home because I didn't want to be home, alone yet. I got home about 2:00pm. I was super sad, and cried a bunch, on and off. 
    I took some nyquil around 4:30 and napped for 30 minutes-an hour. Trey had texted me until he boarded the plane around 3pm, I got a text at 7 saying he was on his new plane  (I think in Atlanta) and heading to Amsterdam. 
    I barely slept last night. Like maybe two hours, but I don't feel tired.. just sad. 
    I've done better about not crying so much today, still really sad though. 
    I got a text from Trey at 2pm from his German phone. He doesn't have an international plan yet, so he couldn't text much because of cost. Basically I got his number, he told me he loved me and he was going to bed, and that he'd try to text or call once he'd gotten a better plan. After that I cried a little. I miss him a lot. 
    All I've had today was a yogurt around 11am and I just made a smoothie (one banana, a peach fatfree activia yogurt, milk, and a shake of cinnamon). I didn't want the smoothie, but I don't need to risk feeling weak at work. 
    I don't feel like eating. I don't have much of an appetite and the empty feeling is comforting when I'm sad. 
    I know I have to though. If Trey came back in a month and I'd lost a bunch of weight, he'd be so sad and disappointed. I weighed in today at 116. Of course, I'm dehydrated and I haven't eaten much the last two days. When I get home I'm going to try to eat better. If not then, then tomorrow. 
    During the semester, my weight went between 120-124 lbs. 115 is probably the lowest I should be and it's the lowest said he'd want to see me. I'll eat better and I'm going to continue to do weights and stuff while he's gone so I'll keep my muscles up and I'll try to eat normally too. 
    It just sucks... I'm really sad and lonely and I just want Trey back and to have him cuddle me. He'd cook me something up and we'd eat together and laugh and have a good time. I just want him back... 
    31 more days... I'mma stop now. I already started my make up for work and if I cry it'll mess up the mascara I put on.. Later

May 27, 2013

  • This isn't normal :/

    I'm usually pretty cheerful. Sometimes, though, something little can set me up. It's not usually something major, just something that really seems to frustrate me (it sometimes even makes no sense to me) and i focus on it too much. I get upset and basically explode. I'm angry and hurt and I don't agree with the situation. I throw the equilvalence of a two-year-old tantrum. (Last night, I legitimately stopped me feet and stomped around...) I can't handle it anymore and everything seems unbearable. 

    Then I realize how miserable I make people and how much of a burden I am. Then, regardless of the fact that I love them, I insist they leave me because I'm a burden, I don't make them happy, I'm not worth the trouble, I don't deserve love and attention. Besides, by staying with me they just make me obligated to live and be okay. 
    I have thoughts... I want to bang my head into the wall as hard as I can, or hit my fist and feet against it. I want to bang my head or fist into a mirror. Throw a glass or bottle, or better yet, bang it against something while it's still in my hands so it'll hopefully cut me too when it breaks. I want to take a bunch of pills, or cut myself. I want to drive recklessly. I want to hit the person I'm around in hopes of provoking them to hit me back. Occasionally, I picture myself grabbing one of Trey's guns- I'd have to be careful because only a few are even loaded now. 
    In moments like these, where I'm tired or existing, tired or be a burden, tired of it all, I have all these destructive urges. 
    Earlier today, over something so unimportant and little, there was a big blow up. Lots of crying and bawling, wishing to bang my head against the wall until... I don't know-probably until Trey stopped me. Wanting to cut flashed into my mind for a second, as well as taking pills. I was just tired of being a burden. Tired of dealing with life. There was lots of screaming. Lots of tears and snot on my part. 
    I even shoved at Trey in hopes of getting him to do something back but he refuses to ever put a hand on me. 
    He wants me to get professional help while he's in Germany...
    Idk... I suppose I should mention some of this to my counselor Thursday. :/
    This isn't normal

May 23, 2013

  • Creations and a short ramble

    Tonight, I made this XP

    It's Skinny Girl Pina Colada, orange juice, and a little pina colada mixing syrup. Oh and it has ice cubes. 
    It's amazing! I wants more but Trey would probably veto that
    Oh and yesterday I made these!
      
    I found a recipe a while ago, but I kind of winged it from memory. I used crescent rolls and laid them out, put 2-3 pieces of turkey pepperoni on it and a cube of (monterey jack) cheese, and sprinkled a little Italian seasoning and garlic powder on them. Rolled 'em up and brushed some extra virgin olive oil on 'em and an egg white and put 'em in the oven for about 15 minutes on 350. Oh and I opened up a can of garlic and herb tomato/pasta sauce for dipping. Trey loved 'em! :)
    Now we're mine crafting together. 
    We went out tonight to try to have crawfish but the two places we went were out. So we went to maddie's place and had po-boy sandwiches. 
    Here shortly I'm going to have him rub my feet. xp
    I can't believe I have Friday, the weekend, Monday, and half of Tuesday before he's gone for a whole month. 
    Tis really going to suck :/